Worst Week Ever!: Feb. 11-17

Sometimes you hear about a particular thing you don’t care about with such frequency that you wonder if you are supposed to start caring about it or if those who shape our society are just hellbent on distracting you from important things that are occurr

click to enlarge More exclusives, less editing
More exclusives, less editing

Follow This One Easy Tip to Get into Heaven!

Sometimes you hear about a particular thing you don’t care about with such frequency that you wonder if you are supposed to start caring about it or if those who shape our society are just hellbent on distracting you from important things that are occurring in the world we live in. Such is the case with Fifty Shades of Grey, which is apparently a set of books and now a movie with bondage themes and really short, poorly written chapters that is all the rage amongst stupid people. If you were looking for a reason to avoid this culturally trending topic, the good folks of the Catholic Church have your back. In a letter urging everyone to avoid seeing the film, the Archdiocese of Cincinnati last week referred to the movie as “a direct assault on Christian marriage.” “We need to inform our people about the destructive message of this movie,” Archbishop Dennis Schnurr solemnly noted in a letter to his fellow Catholics, “and to highlight the beauty of God’s design for loving relationships between a husband and wife.” The church’s stance on films that glorify violence is unclear, as are its motivations behind telling Catholics what and what not to enjoy in the bedroom, especially when the influencing entity is one that has been complicit in shielding and protecting child sex abusers in many countries for many generations.

Supreme Court Justice Was Drunk at State of the Union Address, Media Can’t Blame Her

Anyone who has been fired for doing drugs or alcohol on the clock knows that employers care more about keeping you sober than they do about offering a living wage or the career prospects open to all the schmucks related to the owner. Now we know that the key to getting wasted and not getting in trouble is to be an achiever in a revered position, like Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. During President Obama’s State of the Union address a few weeks ago, Ginsburg appeared to be watching the proceedings through her eyelids. Now we know why. During a talk at George Washington University, she admitted to not being “100 percent sober” thanks to a bottle of “very fine California wine.” Neither Republicans nor Democrats blamed the justice for tying one on before Obama’s long and boring speech about things the average man or woman has no say in. Ginsburg noted that even though she appeared to be passing out a few times during the address, she was thinking productive thoughts such as coming up with the idea that waterboarding with wine would get you super trashed and not count as torture, just like it doesn’t when we use good old H2O on people who may or may not have done anything wrong.

‘Enquirer’ to Replace Sloppy Copy with Naughty Copy?

At Worst Week Ever!, we often resort to writing gross and inappropriate headlines because we aren’t very funny. Unfortunately, part of our measly pittance for writing these dumb articles requires us to occassionally be humorous, and being gross kind of counts as being funny in some circles. The Enquirer dabbled in such lowbrow, attention-seeking behavior last week when it published a story about a local doctor losing his medical license for what we might as well describe in the exact words our city’s daily newspaper published in its print edition: “Doctor losing license for fingering patients’ G-spots.” The story drew complaints from even the conservative paper’s not-so-prudish readers, and editors quickly changed the online version to something that did not contain words best defined by Urban Dictionary. The story was published just days after Enquirer Editor Carolyn Washburn in an email to her staff ripped reporters for turning in “sloppy copy,” though she noted in the apology for the finger-bang headline that at least the writer put the apostrophe in the right place in “patients’.”

Claustrophobic Entertainment Option Comes to Suburbs

If being locked in a room sounds like a rad way to unwind, plan to check out the soon-to-open “Escape the Room Challenge” next to Entertrainment Junction out in West Chester. Described as “an entertainment craze” by the same kind of people who probably enjoy dinner murder mystery things that sound dumb as hell, this challenge involves a group of eight to 12 people being locked in a room with a 60-minute clock counting down the seconds they have left to solve one of the four mystery challenges offered. To escape the room, participants must solve puzzles and make sense of clues before the clock strikes zero. Some of the storylines include “Escape the Mob” and various scenarios in which clues are hidden on tarot cards. “Escape the Room” challenges are great ways to test your critical thinking skills and your ability to exhibit grace under pressure. Those who doubt they would be any good at this sort of game are advised to come along with their coworkers, since no matter how impossible or difficult escape may seem, the motivation to get away from those mouth breathers will propel most to succeed long before time runs out.

Keebler Company to Bring New Human Jobs to Kentucky

The Keebler Company could be bringing 75 new full-time cookie-making jobs to Boone County sometime soon, as Kentucky state officials are considering tax incentives associated with an expansion of company’s Northern Kentucky manufacturing plant. By adding a production line to its existing plant, the $19 million investment would re-establish some of the production capacity lost when the company consolidated its its U.S. cookie network, shutting down many of the inner-tree, elf-run factories commonly seen in Keebler cookie commercials. Some local officials were hesitant to OK the addition of the production line, but The Keebler Company helped allay their fears by explaining that all plant employees will be regularly drug tested to ensure safety and that the stoners who came up with the Keebler Elves concept will not touch heavy machinery at all ever.


CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]


Scroll to read more Opinion articles

Newsletters

Join CityBeat Newsletters

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.