Worst Week Ever! Feb. 17-23

Kase Dawg realizes he has zero shot of becoming prez; service animals can only be certain types of animals, because people ruin everything; supreme court justice performs job duties like stoned, shy high school student and more.

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click to enlarge Ohio Gov. John Kasich
Ohio Gov. John Kasich

Kase Dawg Realizes He Has Zero Shot of Becoming Prez, Refocuses Efforts on Fucking up Ohio

Ohio Gov. John Kasich’s piss-poor showing in the South Carolina blah blah blah this week forced him to confront and accept the reality that he is less popular than Donald Trump, Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz. (Basically, he is the black jelly bean of candidates.) Kasich must have felt like he had been walking around for the first seven hours of his day wearing pants that still had the tag on the leg and nobody told him because they don’t care about how he feels. In response, Kase Dawg decided to spend his energy on something he can control, which unfortunately for women in Ohio meant signing a bill that defunds Planned Parenthood. Kasich then took his penchant for being out-of-touch and impossible to respect another step further by describing how women “who left their kitchens” helped him get elected to the state Senate back when he was 26. After being called out via Twitter for being an idiot by Hillary Clinton and others, Kasich responded that in the future he’ll “be a little bit more careful” about the way he casually demeans women. Kasich is reportedly looking forward to an overhaul of his failing presidential campaign by only talking about how, unlike Cruz and Trump, he only hates women and not a long list of ethnicities and religions, which makes him the compassionate good-guy Republican in comparison.

Bicycles: Two-Wheeled Ferrymen of the River Styx or Economic Development Tool?

Local sports teams not sucking. The murder rate dropping to zero. A mayor that wasn’t against every idea that the non-blue-blood coney-inheritance class shows interest in. There are many things that Cincinnatians hope like hell for on the reg that probably won’t be happening any time soon. Another thing you could add to that list in this city is taking a bike ride and making it home without looking death in its cold, steely eye at least once due to the lack of awareness or hearts that pump warm blood among the drivers here. To assuage the fears that most bicycle owners in Cincinnati share, the Enquirer this week wrote a thoughtful editorial about how biking is “an economic development tool” and “a way to transform communities from places that are driven through to places where people want to be.” In response to renewed debate over adding bike lanes on roads people actually use to get places, the piece made many salient points, including the fact that our city hasn’t made much progress installing even the first phase of its 2010 Bicycle Transportation Plan. In order to get more people interested in biking on the tiny piece that has been completed along Central Parkway, city planners are considering using photos of Mayor John Cranley riding a Red Bike on the sidewalk in order to deter the citizenry from doing stupid shit like that.

Australia Now Offers Record-

Setting High Temps in Addition

to Mass Deadly Animals

Most of the time, when Americans see stuff on TV about what goes on in the beachy penal colony some call Australia, it pertains to dingoes eating babies and snakes and spiders that are gnarlier than anything Samuel L. Jackson ever had to do battle with on the silver screen, whether it was in the jungle or on a plane. Fortunately, there is a new killer entity endangering our Australian bros that only some Americans are scared of — recent record-high temperatures caused by fossil fuel emissions. American politicians responded to a study detailing this emerging threat by stating that they have never visited Australia, so despite what the scientific community has to say they aren’t convinced that The Land Down Under isn’t a made up place like The Land Before Time.

Service Animals Can Only Be Certain Types of Animals, Because People Ruin Everything

As with most things in life, something that helps a small segment of humans get by more easily has been compromised by other humans who are stupid and insensitive to the needs of others. Some people are genuinely aided by the calming presence of service animals like puppies, miniature horses and other animals that occasionally poop where they’re not supposed to. Others like to try to bring kangaroos into restaurants and act like those felons of the animal kingdom have some sort of calming purpose — and therein lies the rub. Presently, no formal paperwork is required for service dogs, according to federal law. That will likely change soon, as legislatures across the country are crafting bills to establish such guidelines, along with penalties for violators. The particulars still need to be worked out, but the bills are likely to start by banning cats as service animals because they are only pretending to be nice to humans in order to get their litterboxes cleaned and their bowls filled and they would eat their human “companions” were they large enough to do so.

Supreme Court Justice Performs Job Duties Like Stoned, Shy High School Student

Teachers used to get all sorts of pissed off by students who acted uninterested in their lessons. That’s why “class participation” started being factored into pupils’ grades. In addition to giving incentive to the dumbest members of each class to talk more, class participation was also viewed as a metric that could define and reward those enrolled for feigning interest in the subject matter being reviewed. Well, it looks like the unappreciated and grossly underpaid educators of this great nation are going to have to figure out some other way to get students to take part in class after this week’s stunning revelation that Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas has not asked a question during any case in 10 years. In most professions, not showing enough interest to ask a single question over a 10-year span would be an issue, but the Supreme Court is a dark and evil place that is beyond reproach for the most part. While Justice Thomas wouldn’t respond to inquiries about his lack of participation if they were asked, one might surmise that he is keeping tight-lipped to avoid the unfortunate Anita Hill scandal where the country got a good idea about what a disgusting perv Thomas was and that it’s probably for the best that he keeps his mouth shut rather than run the risk of making more comments about pubic hair on Coke and Long Dong Silver.

CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]

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