Worst Week Ever! Feb. 24-March 1

Attempt to discuss social issues in the workplace goes predictably wrong; uniquely shaped Ohio building faces uncertain future; God sends message to Catholics about evil snacks and more.

click to enlarge It’s not the White House, but it’s pretty cool!
It’s not the White House, but it’s pretty cool!

Attempt to Discuss Social Issues in the Workplace Goes Predictably Wrong

Facebook is a marketing agency that allows participants to scroll through others’ best attempts to make their lives look rad in exchange for enrolling in state-sponsored surveillance. Without it, millions would have to find another way to be bombarded with ads for cat beds and other products they ordered from Amazon weeks ago. Will social media be as important a decade from now? Who cares? In the here and now, Facebook overlord Mark Zuckerberg is plenty pissed off after employees at the company’s California office started changing “black lives matter” messages written on the company’s wall to “all lives matter.” In a memo obtained by Gizmodo, Lord Zuck talks about what’s going on with the black community as if he had any clue and lets employees know that an investigation has been launched. It is unclear what disciplinary action the culprits might face, but it is obvious that the investigation would take less time to solve if it was focused on something a black Facebook employee did, because, according to its 2014 Equal Employment Opportunity report, only 2 percent of Facebook’s workforce is black.

Uniquely Shaped Ohio

Building Faces Uncertain Future

Newark, Ohio’s Longaberger Co. headquarters is shaped like a basket and is known as the “Big Basket,” which makes sense because the company manufactures and sells baskets. The company’s CEO decided this week to consolidate the employees who formerly worked there into a manufacturing HQ located in Frazeysburg, which just so happens to have its own giant basket — a 20-foot-tall apple basket proudly stated to be the world’s tallest (don’t even try it, Abu Dhabi!). The distinctively shaped, soon-to-be-vacant building in Newark might not be the best choice for non-basket-making companies looking for office space, but Licking County is reportedly considering other designs that might attract industry, including a giant, locked briefcase with blacked-out windows where whoever is running the state during Gov. John Kasich’s presidential campaign can quietly manage his or her affairs without being constantly interrupted by people asking questions about baskets.  

Cleveland to Curtail Short-Term Rental Industry Despite Effects on Browns’ Draft

Short-term rental options like Airbnb are in the same boat as rideshare companies like Uber and Lyft — old companies like Blockbuster that got rich before Netflix chopped their heads off are upset and whining to politicians about younger, smarter people taking their cookies. This week in Cleveland, city officials introduced legislation that would regulate and limit home-sharing websites in ahead of the Republican National Convention this summer, as hoteliers want to make sure they don’t lose out big on lodging revenue. The Cleveland Browns’ new football coach, Hue Jackson reportedly spoke out against regulating Airbnb, noting that Browns quarterbacks usually only stay with the team for a few weeks and the team has saved a lot of money by utilizing short-term lodgings at reasonable rates.

Marco Rubio Would Have Caught and Stopped Trump,

but the Sun Was in His Eyes

Marco Rubio’s reasoning for why he hasn’t stopped the nightmare possibility of Donald Trump becoming the leader of the free world has made some wonder how much better of an option Rubio is than The Donald. On CBS News, Rubio blamed the media for “pumping (Trump) up as some sort of unstoppable force… He’s being pumped up because many in the media with a bias know that he’ll be easy to beat in a general election.” Rubio refused to admit that the problem is actually that nobody really likes any Republican candidate that much or that he shouldn’t have waited so long to make the joke about Trump’s “small hands” only to step it back like he wasn’t trying to sneak diss the size of Donald’s penis.

God Sends Message to Catholics About Evil Snacks

The debate about whether God exists or not is pretty much over, because God cares about cookies and humans do, too. We know this because of a message the Archdiocese of St. Louis relayed to Roman Catholics about Girl Scout cookies and the aspiring little girls who sell them. The St. Louis church is distancing itself from the cookie slangin’ young ladies because scouts think they are too good to espouse the hateful stance the church has on homosexuality, transgender rights and other issues that most people have evolved their beliefs on since the Dark Ages. Other religious organizations have warned that the St. Louis religious outfit’s stance is at odds with modern America’s tolerance for its fellow humans and for ignoring portion control when it comes to these delicious cookies.

Republican Thirst to Stop Obama Shocks Nation

Much to Republican senators’ consternation, President Barack Obama might seek a Supreme Court candidate to replace the recently deceased Antonin Scalia with someone who doesn’t compare homosexuality to murder. As a result, GOP senators, many of whom are are in the last year of their own terms, believe stalling Obama’s nomination is the right thing to do. Though one might assume that “lame duck” senators still trying to vote on issues a “lame duck” president handles in the last year of his term seems likely to expose legislators for their petty nature, Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) says that is not the case because even outgoing GOP legislators will return to affect public policy like Jason Voorhees and Freddie Krueger did in those movies. 


CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]


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