Worst Week Ever!: Feb. 25-March 3

People in America like to talk about how snitches and rats are bad until they themselves become defendants facing dozens of years in a cell and then decide snitching and not being in prison sound just fine.

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click to enlarge Proof global warming is a hoax?
Proof global warming is a hoax?

Is Filming a Reality Show in the Justice Center a Good Idea? Watch and See!

People in America like to talk about how snitches and rats are bad until they themselves become defendants facing dozens of years in a cell and then decide snitching and not being in prison sound just fine. Such was the case with a couple involved in a series of robberies and a murder who now reside in downtown Cincinnati at the Hamilton County Justice Center, as can be seen on MSNBC’s new reality show Lockup. The show documents criminals regaling the audience about all the crazy hijinks and felonies they committed and were locked up for, and the producers don’t care much about telling the stories from the perspective of the victims because that doesn’t make for very uplifting television. Instead, outlaws are glamorized for maiming and killing others, and their misdeeds are recounted as if they are cool people from The Wild West. Hamilton County Sherriff Jim Neil and local politicians are now arguing about whether showcasing Cincinnati’s jail on national television was a wise move or not. Some believe that creating entertainment television in a place where people who cannot function in society are sent is a bad idea, while others think the fights and smuggling make for some pretty good TV. People on both sides of the fence here are united, however, in the hope that the stuck-up coastal elitist narrator of the show can come up with a less backhanded description of Cincinnati than calling it a spot nestled “between the rust belt and the bible belt.”

Oklahoma Senator Mocks Global Warming by Showing Everyone Something That Is Cold

When you were little, schoolbooks and adults tried to tell you that America’s elected leaders gathered in venerable old buildings in Washington D.C. and made national policy and other crucial decisions because they were smart. After all, there’s no way a country smart enough to invent Fourth of July parties would be led by people who weren’t both intelligent and awesome. Unfortunately, it turns out that Congress and the Senate are basically just full of old white men mostly skilled at catering tax and other laws to favor big industry and the rich people who support it, rather than knowing things about science that make sense even to children. Oklahoma Sen. James Inhofe is a prime example of this phenomenon, and now the American people have to put up with spectacles like his performance in the Senate chamber last week, when he tossed a snowball onto the floor to make a mockery of climate change, which Imhofe refers to as, “the greatest hoax ever perpetrated on the American people.” It is unclear if Imhofe’s standard for hoaxes foisted on this country’s citizens includes supporting incredibly costly wars that were launched for dubious reasons or if he is only referring to weather science that seems difficult to understand.

A&E Has a New Show About How Everyone in Some Weird Part of Ohio Screws Each Other

Many people who read this fine column aren’t sure where Warren County is, but if they like watching shows about suburban swingers on a network that somehow keeps getting trashier even though it has been getting trashier every year for years, A&E’s new series Neighbors with Benefits premieres on March 22. The show apparently centers on the residents of some suburb out there in which many of the residents are swingers, and this is worthy of regular television coverage but isn’t even porn. The show’s producers are not yet sure if Warren County is where Trader’s World is located, but if it is they plan to set up a crossover episode where the swingers go to the petting zoo while eating cotton candy or something wacky like that.

Meteorologists Continue Creating Cool New Names for the Weather

If Cincinnati didn’t have dramatically different seasons, we could act all douchey and take screen shots of our cellphone weather forecasts like the place we live is so cool and won’t break off into the ocean in a huge earthquake because it is built upon a fault line of sin. In reality, we do get snow. Some years we get a decent amount of it. In fact, Hamilton County spent nearly $900,000 to clear roads during last week’s “snowmageddon” storm that dropped less than a half-foot of snow on much of the Tristate. The weather has caused problems for everyone in the area, from those who appropriate tax money to clean up after storms to everyone who has to be cold and wish their neighbors weren’t lazy and actually shoveled their sidewalks like they used to in America. The only people benefiting from this frigid and snowy winter are said to be meteorologists, whose jobs are easier than ever because all you have to do when the weather gets crappy is make some sort of wordy pun comparing the incoming system to imminent biblical demise and then ask people to send in photos of their backyards so you know what’s really going on.

City of Cleveland Blames Kid for Failing to Avoid Police Officer’s Bullets

When law enforcement officers in your community shoot and kill a 12-year-old and it turns out those involved have had a lot of problems with being bad cops, it is important to make clear who is (and isn’t) at fault. That’s why Cuyahoga County’s medical examiner released a 41-page response to the lawsuit filed by the family of Tamir Rice, noting that the child’s fatal injuries were “directly and proximately” caused by the dead child’s failure to “exercise due care to avoid injury.” In essence, the family of the little boy playing in the park with a toy gun, who was shot and killed by police in about two seconds, is not entitled to damages because the kid caused his own death. (Right? Are we reading this correctly?) In response to most people being considerably offended by the report, Cleveland Mayor Frank Jackson has apologized to the family for being so tactless in the communication and asked the Rices to understand that police officers with lots of disciplinary issues are impossible to fire, much like the lazy and stupid children of a small business owner.


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