Worst Week Ever! Dec. 30-Jan. 05

GM sees potential in drunk people with smartphones; Ohio Secretary of State rules that politicians' names don't matter; Enquirer publishes incredibly racist, idiotic opinion letter and more.

click to enlarge Worst Week Ever! Dec. 30-Jan. 05
Keith Allen

GM Sees Potential in Drunk People with Smartphones, Invests Half a Billion in Lyft

For many years, people without cars have been viewed as losers by those who have them. One day soon that might change, with the rising popularity of ride-sharing apps like Lyft and Uber, plus Google constantly yammering about having some sort of shiny metal robots (or just computers) drive people around so they can play on their phones in the backseat. General Motors, which makes cars that only sometimes malfunction and set the driver ablaze, is getting in on the rideshare trend by investing $500 million in Lyft to help develop a robot fleet of cars that can be rented out in the future when everything is chrome and silver. A GM financial analyst downplayed rumors about the investment, noting that the decision had nothing to do with the fact that people often get wasted and stranded enough to be willing to pay hundreds of dollars for a 15-minute ride like Uber customers on New Year’s Eve.

Ohio Secretary of State Rules that Politicians’ Names Don’t Matter, Cites Ochocinco

Tighten the microscope lens down on the very southwest portion of Ohio, and you’d likely see coneys, Bengals and Reds mascots and a couple people standing on Vine Street arguing about why the East Side or West Side is awful. Even when our disagreements find their way into matters of the court, sports figures still somehow find their way into the mix. Ohio Secretary of State Jon Husted last week helped his Republican bros out by issuing the tie-breaking vote to allow Colerain Township Trustee Dennis Deters to use his middle name “Joseph” on the ballot when he runs for Hamilton County Commissioner later this year. His brother, County Prosecutor Joseph T. Deters, will be running for reelection on the same ballot, giving voters a unique opportunity to feel like they’re voting for the same person for two different offices. In a letter to election officials explaining his reasoning, Husted cited former Cincinnati Bengal Chad Ochocinco’s 2008 name change, wherein the football player formerly known as Chad Johnson formally changed his surname to Ochocinco because the NFL wouldn’t let him put a nickname on the back of his jersey. Husted used Ochocinco’s awesome name change to defend the bullshit political one taking place within his own party, writing, “In a community where a world-class professional athlete can legally change his name to his jersey number, surely that same community’s candidates for public office can appear on the ballot under their given name.” Local Democrats are upset by the ruling, partially because Dennis Deters has run for office multiple times using his own name. Husted has since extended an olive branch by offering all local parents who were dumb enough to name their kids after Carson Palmer the chance to save 50-percent off name changes if the Bengals win a playoff game on Saturday.

Steve Harvey's Miss Universe Fiasco to Stay in News Cycle Like Solo Sock Stuck in Dryer

In these modern times, the Miss Universe Pageant seems kind of gross to more people than ever for sending the message that the most valuable thing a woman can offer to the world is being hot and offering pleasing rehearsed comments to C-level celebrity judges. To the event’s credit, more than two weeks after it was held this year, stories are still being written about how Steve Harvey announced the wrong contestant as the winner, which caused confusion on stage that the tastemakers of our culture want us to sink our teeth into and never let go. Despite the onstage fiasco at this year’s event, organizers recently revealed that they want Harvey to host the pageant again next year, mostly because he succeeded in getting people to take note of the event for the first time in many, many years and he seems up for the task of embarrassing the living hell out of someone else once ratings drop down to typical levels.

'Enquirer' Publishes Incredibly Racist, Idiotic Opinion Letter Worth Discussing Further

As children, many humans thought that by the time 2016 rolled around we would have moved far past racism being such a primary hallmark of our interactions and perceptions. The more optimistic of us also thought we would have swimming pools and important and rewarding jobs. Most people were wrong on both counts, as evidenced by a letter written by local intellectual Jim Brannan of Montgomery published by the Enquirer, which described a most harrowing experience at Kenwood Towne Centre involving walking past two humans who appeared to be Muslim. “The woman was pretty and pleasant looking, the man stern and serious, and I couldn’t tell what was in the baby carriage,” Brannan wrote. “For a moment I thought they could be wearing ball-bearing vests and dynamite underwear, and what could be in the baby carriage? At that moment, I was afraid.” The Enquirer deserves praise for sharing this hard-to-swallow worldview held by a 513 resident. We can only hope that next week’s Opinion section offering will be from a local Muslim explaining that men of all religious denominations are supposed to look pissed off and bothered when they have to go to the mall during the holiday season, hopefully painting some sort of panicky narrative about feeling scared when they enter a theater, post office or other location where white people have been known to go spree-killing in.

CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]

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