WEDNESDAY JULY 11
Alanis Morissette didn’t know what “ironic” meant and we probably don’t either … but it sure sucks for all the people who took a hair-loss medication called Propecia, which people in lab coats now believe harms males’ sex drives and somehow even shrinks the organs found where the bathing suit covers. Dudes have been taking the drug since it was first approved by the FDA in 1997, and now it looks like they won’t even be confident or want the sex they thought would come their way once they stopped being bald and not virile-looking. The drug’s manufacturer, Merck, pointed out that “Propecia really does cure baldness … so at least those affected have a full head of hair to run their fingers through while lamenting how they would have been a lot better off not taking our product.” Merck promises to come up with new hair-loss drugs soon and asks people who might try them to keep thinking that the reason women don’t like them has something to do with what is or isn’t present atop their heads.
THURSDAY JULY 12
A lesbian couple and a photographer today were kicked out of a park in Richmond, Ky., by a park employee who saw them kissing. It’s not very nice to tell a person that kissing the person she loves falls into the “inappropriate behavior” category of park conduct. Furthermore, the couple is kind of damned if they do, damned if they don’t. They get kicked out of the park for kissing since that is something that people who don’t get out much think is strange and goes against what the ministers on TV say. However, they would have gotten in more trouble had they tried to fit in by dressing in traditional Kentuckian park-visiting attire. Someone would have caught a public indecency charge for sure, since one of them would have had to be shirtless, and the other would need to be wearing at least one article of clothing featuring an animal howling at the moon or a University of Kentucky Wildcats logo on it.
FRIDAY JULY 13
“Octomom” Nadya Suleman today was hired to get naked by a club in Hallandale, Fla., for an event. A full house was expected, although as of press time it was unclear if this was because of the Octomom or a promotion sponsored by local comedy writers. A cash prize of $500 was to be presented to the first person to make a joke about a nude dancer with 14 kids that isn’t too gross but still includes something about a vagina.
SATURDAY JULY 14
Kitties always land on their feet, unless the computer tells you to kill them until they have zero lives left. New York Animal Care and Control killed at least a dozen cats that had been adopted and were scheduled to be picked up due to an online adoption system rife with glitches and errors and death sentences. On top of the guilt that comes with killing animals for which people already said they’d provide loving homes comes the realization that the shelter’s already strapped budget will be stretched further since their “So Cute They Won’t Last Long” ad campaign just isn’t going to work now.
SUNDAY JULY 15
The artist who created a mural of the late Joe Paterno on campus at Penn State today erased the halo that was over his head after a report left zero doubt that the football coach helped cover up decades of sexual abuse by a former assistant. Paterno supporters are none too pleased about this, and are also livid about plans to “update” the mural. The final decision will be made by the end of the week between replacing the halo with a trucker hat with the “see no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil” monkeys on it or painting a version of one of those yellow “Safe Place” signs in the background which offers refuge for people who abuse children.
MONDAY JULY 16
President Barack Obama visited Cincinnati today and stopped by Skyline Chili to get a four-way and some coneys. While eating, Obama convened with his team of expert document forgers who created his fake birth certificate and asked them to save a copy of the picture of him walking out of the restaurant with a girthy bag of food. The commander in chief hopes it can be Photoshopped and reused the next time he visits the Queen City. This will free the president up to find food here about which he won’t have to lie like a politician when reporters ask him what he thinks of it.
TUESDAY JULY 17
In response to Cincinnati’s attempts to bring the MLB All-Star game to town in 2015, The Enquirer today looked ahead to what the city will look like by then, predicting a casino, streetcar, new hotel, more restaurants and an immense dedication by the newspaper to support developers leading the city in whatever direction they deem appropriate.
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