Worst Week Ever!: July 25-31

WEDNESDAY JULY 25: Delta Air Lines today found out that it sucks to not be good at gambling, after reporting a second-quarter loss of $168 million, or 20 cents per share.

Nice full house man!
Nice full house man!

WEDNESDAY JULY 25

Delta Air Lines today found out that it sucks to not be good at gambling, after reporting a second-quarter loss of $168 million, or 20 cents per share. This is largely because of a $561 million hit incurred by betting the wrong way on oil prices. In the airline industry, the practice of “fuel hedging” is undertaken to protect against huge spikes in the price of black gold that occur when storms hit or we piss off the people who sell it to us. (It’s like that balanced billing option on your energy bill that sounds like a rip off.) Delta also paid $171 million in severance costs from voluntary staff reductions during the last fiscal period. The airline’s CEO, Richard Anderson, assures shareholders that things will be OK because the fuel hedging debacle was an unplanned and isolated occurrence. Looking forward, Anderson believes that “other stuff we’re losing money on, like making flying Delta out of CVG so expensive that no one does it, are things we have known were stupid ideas for quite some time now, so planning is in place.”

THURSDAY JULY 26

The National Intelligence Council’s global forecast predicts that poverty will cease to exist by 2030 and that the middle class will double to nearly two billion people. In a speech to be delivered in Aspen, Colo., NIC chairman Christopher Kojm will assert that if current trends continue, the number of humans who currently live on less than a dollar a day (1 billion) will be reduced by half in the next two decades. It is widely believed within the intelligence community that Kojm will wait for the very last person in the audience to stop clapping at this point in his speech and pause for a second. It is hoped that this beautiful moment will be recognized before getting into the “meat and potatoes” of the speech, which will describe the bloody conflict, widespread disease and starvation that will occur before the poor people on planet Earth finally go away.

FRIDAY JULY 27

The Associated Press reports that artsy types of people enjoy the Olympics because it gives them a chance to make crafts. Making bracelets or quilts and tie-dying shirts are just a few of the cool ideas thrown out there as far as making arts during the Olympics goes. Even people who don’t consider themselves to be the artsy type are getting in on the act. Whether they know it or not, making a version of Andy Warhol’s Campbell’s Soup paintings out of empty Miller Lite cans and a coffee table counts as art. Also art: hand-crafted letters of apology to one’s neighbors explaining that you don’t usually yell and are not really racist but the European referees hate America and that’s what made you mad.

SATURDAY JULY 28

Internet poker site PokerStars will pay $731 million in a money-laundering settlement with the U.S. government, which will also reimburse some customers whose funds were locked when the federal government shut down many gambling websites. Until legislation is passed to regulate such activity, it will remain illegal. Friends of people who gambled on PokerStars for days at a time will soon find out what kind of compensation they will be entitled to. While they don’t have money tied up in the site, they believe they should get something for all the hours they had to listen to stories about poker that never ended no matter how many times you said you don’t care about playing poker or talking about it.

MONDAY JULY 30

Snoop Dogg today announced that he will change his name to “Snoop Lion.” Snoop Lion said he will wake up tomorrow and try to figure out if he’s just really stoned or if he used to have a different name.

TUESDAY JULY 31

The Enquirer over the weekend ran a slideshow featuring readers’ favorite “IT’S SO HOT THIS SUCKS” kind of weather sayings, which is a good idea because July was a blue-skied preview of how hell is going to feel when those people get there. “Hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk” is one of the more popular sayings mentioned in the feature, along with more regional weather descriptions such as describing a rainstorm as a “gully washer.” We at WWE! are investigating if we need to create a new Gmail account to submit things to user-created features on cincinnati.com since they didn’t run “hotter than a fresh fucked fox in a forest fire” even though we know the email was sent to the correct inbox and even sent it a few more times to make sure they got it.


CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]


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