WEDNESDAY JULY 4
A text message from Bengals coach Marvin Lewis reportedly evoked an emotional response from his former player, Chad Ochocinco, on Ocho’s wedding day. Ochocinco wrote on Twitter that he was “going through text messages, Marvin Lewis message is making me tear up a lil bit and I didn’t even see the bride yet…” This comes as a surprise to many Cincinnatians, who recall the dysfunction and lack of success which typified the coach and player’s relationship during his time with the Bengals. Ochocinco also stated that he was certain he was the intended recipient of his ex-coach’s thoughtful and uplifting text. The petulant wide receiver also had no clue why Lewis’s wife received a very upsetting text in which the man she loves describes her as a self-centered narcissist who values individual accolades more than winning or accomplishing things as part of a team.
THURSDAY JULY 5
Getting folks to read these days is no simple feat. It is even harder when the thing that people use to access your content on their phones sucks. The Enquirer today responded to numerous reader complaints regarding the recently updated CincyMobile app for the iPhone. Apparently, the updated version of the app crashes when opened and pisses people off more than when The Enquirer tries to perp like readers should pay them to read it online. The newspaper’s Director of Digital Strategy & Development has assured readers that the bug will be fixed soon and that if readers have a problem with it they can try using the Cincinnati Post’s online programs instead.
FRIDAY JULY 6
An explosion at the Duro Bag plant in Richwood, Ky. sent one worker to the hospital this afternoon. Given the combustible nature of the goods produced there and the size of the factory, the incident could have been far more destructive. A fire on a piece of equipment caused the explosion and warranted an evacuation of the premises. Safety regulators expressed relief that there weren’t a greater number of injuries caused by this unfortunate occurrence. Employees have been cleared to return to work tomorrow morning. The regulators also would like the public to rest easy because most bag-related fires involve deserving targets, front porches and piles of shit being set ablaze upon them.
SATURDAY JULY 7
The high temperatures and stifling humidity that have recently plagued the Cincinnati area have done little to dissuade visitors from coming here to take part in the World Choir Games. Although the event isn’t an All-Star Game or something locals actually would be genuinely interested in, we’re doing our best to seem super-stoked that it’s here. After all, if we don’t feign interest in things that come to Cincinnati that we don’t care about, we will not get things we care about to come here in the future. It’s like not complaining about the presents you receive when your parents are poor. While this event is of little appeal to many, we can all follow the example set forth by a representative from the Vietnamese team. When a local reporter asked him about the oppressive heat, he responded: “It’s hot in Vietnam too, but we try not to act like little bitches about it.”
SUNDAY JULY 8
Authorities last week concluded a six-month investigation of a drug trafficking cell linked to the seemingly unstoppable Sinaloa Cartel by arresting 20 people and seizing $2.4 million dollars. The DEA would be more excited by this bust if it didn’t know that the amount of corrupt police and officials south of the border coupled with America’s love of snorty things that make you want to have sex all night make trying to stop the flow of drugs a waste of time for all parties concerned.
MONDAY JULY 9
At first, it wasn’t cool to be black in America. These days you can get hated on for not being black enough. Luckily Morgan Freeman is around to let everyone know just how black to be. Freeman went on NPR to share his opinion that President Barack Obama isn’t black enough to be America’s first black president. Freeman thoughtfully explained his stance, saying: “Barack had a mama and she was white, very white American, Kansas, middle of America.” He also let the liberals know that “America’s first black president hasn’t arisen yet … (Obama) is America’s first mixed-race president.” Freeman is said to be working on a Scale O’ Blackness which will have Lamar from Revenge of The Nerds on one end and DMX on the other to help white people understand what he’s trying to say. Freeman declined to comment when the interviewer asked if the actor had devised his scale while on set taking part in traditional African-American activities like narrating documentaries about penguins.
CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]