Worst Week Ever!: June 19-25

TUESDAY JUNE 25: An Ohio man’s recent trip to Michigan took a turn for the worse after he took some mushrooms and was found trespassing inside Ypsilanti Middle School. Responding officers noted that the man had ripped part of his penis off.

click to enlarge Sean Hannity made me a man.
Sean Hannity made me a man.

WEDNESDAY JUNE 19

America has devolved into the kind of place where you can’t even plan a wedding featuring all black waiters to give it an old-timey plantation feel or use the N-word without the PC Police clapping the sirens to the top of their sedans and coming for you. The Food Network today canned Paula Deen after court depositions revealed that she had used hate language before but had totally understandable reasons for doing so, according to Paula Deen. Fans around the world are upset by how the media has demonized casual racism in the workplace, but they aren’t the only ones mourning the fallout from this scandal. Members of the scientific community have also been deeply saddened by the realization that they will now never know how long it would take all the people who watch the celebrity chef’s shows to die from illnesses related to adding sticks of butter into simple recipes as if they were pinches of salt.

THURSDAY JUNE 20

Many lessons can be learned about urban renewal initiatives when local communities collaborate and solicit each other’s feedback. Business leaders from Covington today collaborated with the Uptown Consortium board, which is a nonprofit urban redevelopment organization that has guided this process in several Cincinnati neighborhoods, including Short Vine in Corryville. During their time together, ideas to increase foot traffic and the vitality of the business district were discussed. A follow-up meeting has been scheduled for next week, at which several Short Vine All-Stars will give pointers on how to best replicate “gutter punk” style while begging for change near Bogart’s during the day and then catching the last bus of the day back to their parents in Anderson at night.

FRIDAY JUNE 21

Cincinnati-based Kroger is always investigating ways in which the customer experience at its stores can be enhanced or streamlined. A commendable example of this business practice is the drastic reduction in checkout lane time, which has plummeted from four minutes just a few years ago to only 26 seconds now. What makes this accomplishment more impressive is that despite the grocery chain’s commitment to speeding up the store visit experience, they will still take the time to individually bag every single item you purchase.

SATURDAY JUNE 22

The new Superman movie, Man of Steel, has already earned more than $210 million in North America and nearly $400 million worldwide. The film, which portrays the character’s origin, has been well received by critics across the globe. Some attribute the film’s warm reception to the incredible special effects and the dramatic score which accompanies it. Others point out that unlike the first Superman movie, Man of Steel doesn’t have any scenes in a cornfield featuring a naked boy, which was awkward for viewers of all ages. 

SUNDAY JUNE 23

Things don’t always end well for Italian leaders. Silvio Berlusconi has been given a seven-year sentence and will be banned from holding public office for the rest of his life for his role in a prostitution scandal. Berlusconi insists he is innocent, and would like to ask the world how any practice with a name like “bunga bunga” could be bad.

MONDAY JUNE 24

Celebrated local jackass Bill Cunningham is in hot water for recent actions on the set of the internationally renowned intellectual think tank that is Sean Hannity’s Fox News show. After referring to the president by his full name (even the part that proves he’s not American) and calling Democrat Tamara Holder “one of the stooges on the left,” Cunningham started pointing his finger in her face. When Holder pointed out that this is not acceptable, he responded by telling her to “shut up” and “know your role.” Outrage over this sexist remark has spread quickly, but Fox News has asked their viewers to look past what Cunningham said and focus instead on how much he has matured since he used to make parody songs about black people killed by Cincinnati police officers. 

TUESDAY JUNE 25

An Ohio man’s recent trip to Michigan probably won’t be featured on any of The Wolverine State’s tourism ads in the near future. The 41-year old’s visit took a turn for the worse after he took some mushrooms and was found trespassing inside Ypsilanti Middle School. Responding officers noted that the man had ripped part of his penis off and was unable to communicate with them. A police spokesperson said the events leading up to this tragedy are unclear but hypothesized that maybe the guy’s friends told him while he was tripping that he had to either watch a bunch of Phish DVDs or break into a school and rip his own dick off.



CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]



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