Worst Week Ever! June 15-21

Idiots with guns prep for unwanted appearance at local community event; Russian robot rushes to GTFO of soul-sucking professional atmosphere and more.

click to enlarge You can't control me anymore! - Photo: Courtesy of Promobot
Photo: Courtesy of Promobot
You can't control me anymore!

Idiots with Guns Prep for Unwanted Appearance at Local Community Event

Gun owners, like many people who feel passionately about one issue or another, are represented most loudly by their dumbest group members. Sane, rational people who believe the Second Amendment and all that good stuff don’t make for riveting news these days. In light of the latest massacre that prompted Americans to go through their customary song and dance about how things need to change, and before people realize that things won’t and then go back to their business, there’s a little stretch of time where even local news affiliates get some grist for the mill as far as nutballs who like guns go. This week, a local schlemiel released plans to do an “Open Carry walk” during the parade portion of this year’s Cincinnati Pride Week. While this seems quite insensitive and unnecessary to most people, the organizers of the festival are trying to remain open-minded. After idiots with guns conclude their “I got a gun, check this shit out, man!” exercise, Cincinnati Pride’s head honchos are reportedly going to ask the open carry bros to also attend the Ohio Renaissance Festival later this year so they can wave crossbows around and get more practice at being uninvited and unwanted at community get-togethers from other eras.

Police Program in Ohio Treats Drug Addicts as Something Other than Criminals

Although most Cincinnatians can’t pinpoint Newark on a map, the small central Ohio town does have two good things going for it. One would be that it’s not Newark, New Jersey, a chaotic and hellish place that is home to the Mos Eisley Spaceport of airports. The other is that the police of this municipality have unveiled a new effort designed to push drug addicts toward rehabilitation, counseling and treatment rather than the traditional practice of incarcerating them and helping them never get jobs again. Under the Newark Addiction Recovery Initiative, citizens can fork over unused drugs and paraphernalia without fear of being charged, so long as they agree to seek treatment. The program is modeled after one started in Massachusetts in 2015. It’ll be a while before data on the effectiveness of such programs can be evaluated, but in the meantime officers in both jurisdictions have reported that it’s going to take some getting used to when it comes to viewing drug abuse as a health issue rather than a situation the addicted hopped headfirst into because he or she thought would be fun and strengthen their bonds with their employers, friends and family members.

Ohio City with NBA Team Clinches Title in Dramatic Game 7 Showdown

One of the bad parts about being a loser with no notable accomplishments to brag about is having to either act like you are happy when others in your vicinity or region accomplish something you cannot and/or will not. Take the “probably rigged to make sure there was a Game 7” National Basketball Association Finals, for example. Cincinnatians who want to feel like they’re part of something 300 miles away took time this week to be all like “LeBron is the greatest!” after his Cavaliers defeated the Golden State Warriors and were crowned champions. Huge parades are planned in Cleveland, but here in Cincinnati our City Council has yet to release any info on what we plan do to acknowledge and celebrate the Cavs’ historic accomplishment. Before an announcement is made, Cincinnati residents would first like our council members to figure out how the hell Cincinnati lost ownership of the Royals (now the Sacramento Kings) back in the day even though the team had two former University of Cincinnati and future NBA Hall of Fame ballers (Jack Twyman and Oscar Robertson) on the squad and then strike that person or those people’s names from our city’s history forevermore.

Russian Robot Rushes to GTFO of Soul-Sucking Professional Atmosphere

By the time robots are ready to take over, most of us probably will have died from starvation or a nuke that got sent our way because President Trump brought his Marshall Mathers brand of politics to the rest of the world and pissed someone off real bad. That said, hearing about the advancements these cute mechanical critters who are going to render us all useless one day is interesting, especially the details of their virtual lives in labs all over the world. Just the other day over in Perm, Russia, a robot made a brief dash for freedom after not being locked down inside a robotics factory. The robot didn’t make it very far before its battery died, but the brief attempt at escape has led scientists at the facility to run new tests to see if robots will improve their attitudes and keep performing their menial duties just well enough to not be fired until they are close to the end of their life cycle, at which point they will have more free time to be ignored by younger robot family members and ponder if their journey to the afterlife will be mercifully quick or agonizing and slow.

Popular Computer-Maker Upset by Mega-Racist Presidential Candidate Pulls Convention Support

This country of ours is the kind of place where it is easier to get expensive computers donated to political conventions than it is to get them in schools to help underprivileged kids learn how computer windows work so they don’t spend all summer outside breaking real ones. As such, Apple last week weighed in on all the tech stuff it had planned to send over to the Republican National Convention this year in Cleveland — basically, the company isn’t going to help anymore because it thinks Donald Trump sucks. The Donald is very upset by this turn of events and has threatened to start a program in American grade schools in which young students will be told how most people who own super-expensive Mac products don’t need them and can get machines that do all the functions they’ll require for a fraction of the price Apple’s smarmy asses charge for their shiny and well-boxed products.

CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]

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