WEDNESDAY JUNE 5
Cincinnati City Council today voted unanimously to appoint retired lawyer Stan Chesley, who was recently disbarred by the Kentucky Supreme Court for allegedly swindling the people he represented in a class action lawsuit involving the diet drug Fen-Phen, to the Cincinnati Human Relations Commission. Chesley and other plaintiffs’ attorneys apparently kept most of the $200 million from the settlement instead of giving it to the people who got sick from the drug and actually deserved it. Chesley was appointed by virtue of an 8-0 vote, but some folks in Cincinnati are wondering why a lawyer whose unethical actions forced his retirement and resignation from the University of Cincinnati Board of Trustees would come to mind as an ideal candidate for appointment. Mayor Mark Mallory and Vice Mayor Roxanne Qualls planned a press conference on Thursday during which they were expected explain how the city might need Chesley’s help in stealing a few more million dollars from somewhere if the streetcar system is to be made operational while any of us are still on this side of the grass.
THURSDAY JUNE 6
The importance of bridging gaps between cultures and helping our fellow man out in any way possible are two important life lessons we all hope the leaders of tomorrow are being taught in school these days. At St. Paul School in Florence, Ky., examples of both lessons were recently intertwined into one activity when students raised more than $500 through a “Moustache for a Mission Day.” During the event, students and faculty wore Pancho Villa-style staches and gathered funds to send along with a birthday gift to a Guatemalan child the club has been sponsoring through Christian organization Compassion International. In response to the moustache-themed event at the Northern Kentucky school, members of the boy’s family in Guatemala have ordered a gross of mullet wigs they plan to use during a reciprocal fundraiser for Florence.
FRIDAY JUNE 7
Glenn Beck today expressed regret that some of his statements over the years have caused division with the United States. Some of Beck’s potentially divisive comments from 2011 include saying President Barack Obama has a “deep-seated hatred for white people” and calling a law school student a slut because she advocated for the funding of birth control. When asked what Beck has accomplished in his career other than dividing people and being a dick, the underemployed talk host mentioned his line of $129 jeans then sat silently until the reporter found out his clothing line was real and then decided to leave.
SUNDAY JUNE 9
If you ever had a job where people sought your input and wanted to communicate with you, video conferencing might be something you’d have to learn in and out. Luckily, this week’s Enquirer offered another “Image Rules” piece by professional style and etiquette advisor Jill Haney, this one explaining some of the nuances of this modern-day form of business communication. Even though they can’t smell you through the video feed, Haney advises that participants shower beforehand. Instead of wearing the T-shirt with the tuxedo printed on it and holding one of those pipes that blows bubbles, Haney says a sport coat and dress shirt are appropriate. Most importantly, she says, the business shirt and tie with no pants on outfit is only acceptable if you are Robert De Niro in Casino.
MONDAY JUNE 10
When people get freaked out that everything they do online and via telephone is being recorded by an unconstitutional and invasive governmental presence, the first thing they do is get on amazon.com and order George Orwell’s novel 1984. The e-commerce giant’s “Mover and Shakers in Books” page displays the biggest increases in sales rank compared to just one day prior, and sales of 1984 have increased 7,005 percent in the last 24-hour span. Marketers at amazon.com have taken note of this incredible rate of increase and are hoping something with aliens happens real soon because they are totally overstocked with copies of Flight of the Navigator.
TUESDAY JUNE 11
A Warren County man who was sentenced to eight years in prison for his role in marijuana sales at two local high schools will be a free man after his conviction was thrown out by the Ohio 12th District Court of Appeals. The defendant was accused of growing marijuana, but the 12th District ruled that since none of the crimes he was accused of occurred in Warren County, he should have been tried in either Hamilton or Butler County instead. The prosecuting attorneys in the case have been advised to ensure that the accused be freed immediately and to admit that bringing charges against someone in the wrong county is “the type of behavior that people usually make fun of stoners for.”
CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]
