WEDNESDAY JUNE 6
Less than a month after its cancellation, rumors have surfaced about the filming of a CSI: Miami episode that will air next year. Favored by those who have difficulty following the bigger words and more complex plot lines featured on Law & Order, the series was cancelled after running for 10 years. The special return next year is said to include all of the old cast members and a team of South Beach’s best dermatologists. By the end of the episode, the sleuths and doctors hope to determine how David Cassidy’s character could have been a detective down in South Beach for a decade yet still be so pale and recently exhumed-looking.
THURSDAY JUNE 7
The Enquirer today broke out its Freedom of the Press Card, pressing the city to release details of the bids to build the streetcar’s five vehicles. Enquirer Editor and Vice President Carolyn Washburn says the newspaper is being a good watchdog by investigating all the redacted parts of documents released by the city, which reportedly include typical streetcar parts (canuter valve: $15), performance data (doesn’t go that fast) and personal information of employees (mostly dorks). A firm called CAF USA, which won the bid for more than $20 million, is trying to block the release of the data, along with two losing bidders who claim the information is trade secret and the liberal media is trying to take away their freedoms.
FRIDAY JUNE 8
Angry taxi drivers protested outside of City Hall today, seeking to cease the “endless harassment” by a few Cincinnati police officers they accuse of issuing fraudulent citations. Cabbies reportedly insist that their beef is with the police and not the public. However, one of the protesters did admit that it would be nice if you and your drunk ass friends would try to be better about ranting about “how things really are” while riding in cabs and waiting until the driver is halfway through a busy intersection before yelling at him or her to “make a left here.”
SATURDAY JUNE 9
Desperately throwing your online resume around “professional networking” site LinkedIn because none of your friends or family can get you a job seems like a good idea. Well, sort of. After up to 6 million passwords were stolen by Russian hackers, the company is scrambling to fix the exploit in their security systems and assure their users that this won’t happen again. While site maintenance is being performed, users have been advised to read the entire contents of their spam folders each morning instead of deleting it all to perfectly replicate the experience of using LinkedIn.
SUNDAY JUNE 10
Robert Ransdell, Cincinnati coordinator of some white supremacist group, reportedly passed out fliers in Boone County, Ky., urging people to attend a meeting about “third world immigrants.” Ransdell hopes to engage the public in a discussion about immigration and foreigners and other stuff that makes him mad. Unfortunately, he has not slated any time in the meeting’s agenda to discuss how even if there were no immigrants in America it would still be impossible for his racist, hateful ass to find a decent job. Last month, Ransdell reportedly offered $1,000 to anyone who could prove Nobel Laureate Elie Wiesel did not have a Holocaust tattoo. Wiesel has reportedly offered to show his tattoo, but only if Ransdell will agree to a “double or nothing” bet in which Ransdell will have to prove that he does not have any Tasmanian Devil or Confederate flag tattoos.
MONDAY JUNE 11
Justin Bieber today compared himself to Michael Jackson, telling Billboard that his new song “Maria” is his “Billie Jean.” In response to this, we at WWE! have decided to start calling our traditional Monday dinner of diced hot dogs and macaroni “Surf and Turf.”
TUESDAY JUNE 12
Writer’s block and never having good ideas are two things that make writing hard. Sadly, other misfortunes can befall those who seek to harness the power of the written word. A West Virginia man has found this out the hard way during an attempt to hitchhike across the United States and write a memoir titled The Kindness of America. While traveling through Montana, the author approached a pickup truck that stopped alongside him as if to offer him a ride. The driver then rolled down the window, shot the man in the arm and sped off. Despite being left for dead on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, the author still believes Americans are friendly, good people. He also admitted that this sort of stance makes him sound like one of those people who gets their balls chewed off by a bear and later goes on TV to talk about how bears are really nice and majestic creatures who don’t pose a threat to humans.
Danny Cross contributed a couple stupid jokes to this report.
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