WEDNESDAY MARCH 20
A Pennsylvania judge today described her decision to make three of her own parking tickets disappear as a “major lapse in judgment.” Between December 2010 and January 2011, the judge reportedly tampered with public records and defrauded Lancaster County out of parking ticket revenue. After being caught, she was able to avoid jail time by agreeing to pay five times the amount of the original fines. Assistant Attorney General Anthony Forray is satisfied that justice has been served, noting that punishing this lady like she landed on a utility property in Monopoly when another player owns them both isn’t going to make anyone in the community forget about what happened.
THURSDAY MARCH 21
Forced labor camps, widespread starvation and other forms of intense misery are some of the first things that come to mind when one thinks of North Korea. Although hidden famines have forced the people of this nation to resort to cannibalism and threats of nuclear weapon used to make it seem unstable and terrible, this is not the case. According to the country’s U.N. Human Rights Council envoy’s remarks today, North Korean citizens are in reality “happy with pride and honor that they have one of the best systems for promotion and protection of human rights in the world,” and that the nation welcomes all members of the Jordan-era Chicago Bulls regardless of any color or creed.
FRIDAY MARCH 22
From time to time, hidden treasures are revealed when renovating old properties. From currency to precious metals and jewels, there is always a small chance of finding something that would make you a lot less poor when walls start being taken apart. Today in downtown Covington, something of a different vintage and beefy flavor profile came to light when a property owner who doing electrical work found a Slim Jim with an expiration date of Aug. 10, 1987. The man wishes to remain anonymous but has put this rare item on eBay with the opening bid starting at $20,000. The online auction site remains unsure of how high the bids will get on this antique beefstick, since it probably tastes just the same as any other Slim Jim despite being 27 years old.
SATURDAY MARCH 23
Bill Gates is an awesome person who has used a lot of the money he has made to better the lives of others. Part of what makes him such a uniquely effective philanthropist is his knack for challenging and urging others to come up with better solutions to problems we encounter. The same attitude which helped him revolutionize the polio vaccine has spurred The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation to announce a $100,000 prize for whoever designs the “next generation” of condoms. The winner will receive more than $1 million in funding. The winner’s prophylactic has the potential to improve the sex lives of nearly a billion people and will differ from Windows 8 by being a product that the public won’t regret having to use.
SUNDAY MARCH 24
The heroic tale of how a big-time politician stopped hating gay people because his son turned out to be one of them just keeps getting more and more heartwarming. Since Ohio Sen. Rob Portman’s about face on the issue of same-sex marriage, the news media have been eager to learn more particulars about what how long ago the senator’s belief was swayed. Portman declined to go into specifics, but last week noted that his advisers supported the decision. Later, the senator divulged that all he did was ask his son to be really sure he was gay and that it wasn’t just another phase to keep him from appearing tolerant and unbigoted for no reason.
MONDAY MARCH 25
An Ohio prosecutor today dropped make-believe charges against Punxsutawney Phil for screwing up the one thing America asks of him each year. Butler County Prosecutor Mike Gmoser told the AP that he might drop the charges because, “frankly, he is a cute little rascal, a cute little thing ... and if somebody is willing to step up to the plate and take the rap, I’m willing to listen.” The lighthearted prosecutor went on to remind the press that aside from incarcerating a higher percentage of our population than any other nation and being really quiet about how privatized prisons have turned convicts into modern day chattel workers, the American justice system still has a great sense of humor.
TUESDAY MARCH 26
Former presidential candidate and regular source of quotes that sound way too dumb to be true Rep. Michele Bachmann today learned that her campaign is under investigation by an independent ethics panel on Capitol Hill. Once this panel has concluded, the house will launch another query to determine how she graduated from high school.
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