Worst Week Ever! March 25-30

For years, Cincinnati sports fans have had to drink way too much before sporting events while huddling under overpasses or in parking lots near the stadiums.

Russian Leader Doing Mad Nefarious Things, Still has Tighter Online Game Than Most Leaders

Russian President Vladimir Putin seems to have things all figured out. After all, one’s online reputation will one day soon be more important than what the lousy people who know you face-to-face think. With this tech realization in mind, Putin and his supporters have been paying an army of around 400 propagandists $700 per month to work 12-hour shifts in St. Petersburg saying nice things about him, according to Radio Free Europe/Radio Liberty. It is unclear whether all the American commenters who use really clever terms like “O’Bummer” and “Nobama” when talking about President Obama are real citizens or paid bots. The news has brought renewed debate over whether people should pay more attention to the lengths that Putin is going to in order to optimize his online reputation, or the fact that lots of people who criticize him end up dead, or the fact that Russia has kind of invaded another sovereign nation and no one seems to care a whole lot about it at all.

Siri Inspires Mattel to Use Annoying Technology in Barbie Dolls This Autumn

Other than old people who should be happy they’re allowed to have smart phones and shouldn’t be showing off with them, no one has ever used Siri, the iPhone’s worthless and useless personal assistant/wise-ass robot impresario function. Ask a question about robots having sex or pretty much anything else under the sun, and the bot is guaranteed to give you an answer that isn’t an answer and maybe even some halfhearted excuse as to why she can’t help you out. However, this isn’t to say that this fantastically useless piece of technology is not without merit, as it will soon spawn a new line of Mattel Barbie Dolls that will be more high-tech (if that’s what the kids are still saying these days) than any that have come before it. That’s not saying a lot, since until like 2005 all Barbie dolls were really messed up and perpetuated the gross ideal that women can’t succeed on their own and need the presence of a well-coiffed gay man like Ken in their lives in order to do OK. Nevertheless, toy company’s partnership with ToyTalk (which already produces goods that encourage young kids to converse with characters they create) is going to make this new Barbie doll futuristic as hell. Through speech analysis, the new “Hello Barbie” will be able to chat with the kids who own her and produce relevant responses. The dolls will be so current that a child who tells the doll that he or she is “totes jelly” will benefit from a language processer that actually understands that the child means “I’m totally jealous.” Interested parents are already calling Mattel to see if the Hello Barbie dolls can be upgraded to possess mild shocking functions in case their children start talking like that.

Ohio Lawmakers Attempt to Acknowledge Convicts’ Humanity

In this great country, we teach citizens that drugs and criminal offenses will ruin their lives by letting the criminal justice system chew up and spit out millions of folks who come into contact with it each year. That might be why we incarcerate a higher percentage of our populace than most places and have a recidivism rate so high that it’s clear that no rehabilitation occurs when people do time. Out of nowhere, Ohio’s Prison Director Gary Mohr came up with some initiatives this week that could help inmates land jobs before they are even released. This plan show promise for both youth and adult offenders and marks an important legislative step that might even hint that our state wants there to be a good option for criminals who seek to change their lives’ arcs. Prison officials across Ohio are leery of this new plan, as it might change the notion that once you’re a felon there is no way to get ahead after release other than to commit crimes to make more than minimum wage, which could be bad for the massively profitable prison industrial complex in the long run.

Indiana Does Indiana Stuff, Rest of Country Is Like “WTF, Hoosiers?”

Most people don’t like Indiana. Indianans are the type of people who don’t believe in daylight savings time and do a bunch of racist and intolerant things that you want to be like “I knew they were like that!” but shy away from saying because such inferences make you seem intolerant and prejudicial as well. Then their pea-brained governor (who we won’t name because no one knew it before this “religious freedom to discriminate against gay people” statute was passed) is fighting to defend the law even though most people think it’s a “separate water fountains”-era piece of legislation that embarrasses America and humanity as a whole. There isn’t much point in going in-depth about what the supporters of the religious freedom law seek to accomplish. It’s obvious: They don’t want to be civil or non-hateful toward non-heterosexuals because if Jesus was around today that would be one of the things he would probably be most concerned about within our species. The law’s supporters apparently also want all Hoosier business folk to carry around about as much money as Jesus used to, because that’s exactly what’s going to happen when everyone else in the country boycotts Indiana forever and ever.

Cincinnati Moves to Make it Easier to Get Drunk Outside by the River

For years, Cincinnati sports fans have had to drink way too much before sporting events while huddling under overpasses or in parking lots near the stadiums. That’s all going to change, thanks to the Ohio House’s diligent efforts to tell the man around here to back off and let us get drunk both inside restaurants at The Banks and outside them. This will create an even more festive environment for the 2015 Major League Baseball All Star Game, which will come to our humble town in July. Ohio Gov. Jon Kasich is happy about this plan, noting in a press release that Cincinnati sports fans deserve to get sloppy drunk outside their stadiums before watching the Reds and Bengals do stuff that makes local residents curse and ask God above why they remain sports fans at all.

CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]

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