Worst Week Ever! March 2-8

FBI confused about iPhones, proposes trampling privacy rights to address issue; officer not charged in crash thanks to helpful coworkers; rad tech used to determine identity of artist who wished to remain anonymous and more.

Humor and the Word "Poop" Used to Report on Rampant Fraud and Neglect in MSD

One day you’re thinking how progressive and hip Cincinnati has become and the next you’re wondering why it says “poop” in the Enquirer. Hopefully, in response to a story titled “City, county bicker over poop trucks,” the local political elite can figure something out within the next three weeks regarding the county’s busted waste handling systems, before as many as seven dump trucks are needed to ferry waste around at a cost of $2-$4 million per year. The problem reportedly stems from the Little Miami solid waste incinerator, which could be soon be closed after being cited for not complying with environmental regulations. Mayor John Cranley is seeking county commissioners’ approval on a plan to build a $16 million sewage digester that would turn waste into fertilizer for farms. He plans to build support for the project by reminding everyone at City Hall that they all make enough money to shop at Whole Foods and will never have to eat food made out of their neighbors’ shit.

FBI Confused About iPhones, Proposes Trampling Privacy Rights to Address Issue

In the aftermath the San Bernardino shooting spree, the FBI has found itself at odds with The Ghost of Steve Jobs (who is probably hooked up to some apparatus and still running Apple) and the rest of the tech giant’s employees. At first, the public was led to believe that it was in its best interest to compromise the privacy rights of all Apple customers because one of the shooter losers might have left some sort of data on his or her phone. Later, the public found out a mistake made within 24 hours of the attack spoiled the Bureau’s chance, as an investigator reset the iCloud password, thinking it would grant them access to the phone. Instead, this action locked the agents out completely. The FBI declined to identify who caused the lockout, leaving all of America to wonder if their least tech-savvy relative has a secret gig working for the feds. 

Officer Not Charged in Crash Thanks to Helpful Coworkers

Most times, when drivers endanger the lives of others by barreling through stop signs and crashing into a utility pole at 5 a.m. with a liquor bottle on the floor of the minivan, they go to jail. That’s not what happened when Cincinnati Police Sgt. Andrew Mitchell did such a thing while off-duty last March, according to a witness who testified in court last week that Mitchell was most def wasted at the time. Two other officers allegedly hid Mitchell from witnesses, snuck him away without a sobriety test and didn’t investigate the crash, prosecutors say. The aformentioned witness (who was probably startled by a van careening down West McMicken in the middle of the night when quieter weird things usually happen) described Mitchell as having alcohol on the breath, glassy eyes and generally being “wasted.” Mitchell says he doesn’t know what happened because his head hit on the van’s windshield, giving him a concussion, while defense attorneys for the other two cops say they didn’t think Mitchell was drunk because he kept referencing a funny anti-DUI commercial and telling them to “turn back into a brick wall.”

Rad Tech Used to Determine Identity of Artist Who Wished to Remain Anonymous

What a time to be alive! No matter where you look, someone is always figuring out how to do something new and exciting. Take, for instance, the development of “geographic profiling,” a mathematical tool that can be used to pick up terrorist activity, follow the paths of serial killers and monitor the spread of infectious diseases. Researchers at the University of London received much praise this week for cracking the identity of reclusive street artist Banksy by using a sophisticated profiling method and tying a name to him. Though most people would prefer that such technology be used by law enforcement organizations for more important things, many British citizens are excited to learn that Banksy might be playing soccer near them when he is not walking around by himself at night and painting weird things.

Chinese President’s Tears Make American Politician Rue Opportunity Lost

According to Chinese media, the four documented occurrences of President Xi Jinping crying since the 1960s have had a positive effect on citizens, who believe it humanizes their leader and makes him appear to be someone who cares deeply about others. Former Speaker of the House John Boehner reportedly used the anecdote to ask Americans to stop thinking of his many cries as weird and instead consider his constant blubbering as an attempt to cry one time for each citizen of this great nation.

Politicians Still Hate Commies Even Though Trope Went Stale 40 Years Ago

You might think that in the year of our Lord 2016, it would be easy to name a post office after a legendary poet and civil rights activist. Then you realize Kentucky is still part of this great nation and that people like Rep. Thomas Massie vote against things like that because of old shit they probably don’t understand very well. Massie was one of nine representatives to offer a “no” vote on whether to name a post office in Winston-Salem, N.C. after poet Maya Angelou. Unfortunately for people like him, 371 representatives with less racist feelings voted in favor of it. Brooks’ spokeswoman defended his vote by describing Angelou as a “communist sympathizer” who supported Fidel Castro, though she later admitted that she doesn’t give two shits about any Cuban and just appreciates being able to use them as an excuse to be mean to black people.

CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]

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