Worst Week Ever!: March 5-11

P&G is the Mitt Romney of corporations, a baby-eating psychopath that no amount of coaxing or media manipulation can transform into something you’d want at your dinner table.

Greenpeace Protesters Decry P&G Destruction, P&G Promises to Stop Next Year or Whenevz

P&G is the Mitt Romney of corporations, a baby-eating psychopath that no amount of coaxing or media manipulation can transform into something you’d want at your dinner table. A much-publicized break-in and protest (featuring someone in a tiger costume = +10 points) at P&G headquarters last week by a bunch of Greenpeace activists with wealthy parents and not a care in the world drew attention to how P&G destroys rainforests, Sumatran tigers and other things that everyone already assumes P&G destroys. Local media coverage focused more on the security breach at the building, as if members of the public give a sailing shit about who gets in and out of that dual-spired fortress of evil. It also divulged how P&G plans to find a sustainable source of palm oil sometime next year. In the meantime, Sumatran tigers and other endangered animals that are being pushed into extinction for the sake of beauty products are advised to start hibernating like bears do here in the good old U S of A so they won’t be so put out by the deforestation P&G will continue sponsoring for at least the next nine months.

Genius Mayor Forced to Recognize OTR’s Rapid Development, Causes

One of the worst parts about being wrong about something is that the world is driven by ego and the desire to be right. Long after you’ve been proven wrong, uninformed and guilty of supporting local eyebrow sculptors more than the streetcar project, people are going to keep bringing up how you were wrong until you say, “You know what guys, I had no clue what I was talking about. I was just doin’ hater stuff.” Mayor John Cranley’s recent statements fly in the face of everything poetically described thus far in this segment. When asked about the decline in street crime in Over-the-Rhine that has followed the neighborhood’s gentrification and development, Cranley attributed it to the renovation of old St. Paul’s Church on Race Street and the construction of more places for people to eat and drink more than they should. Cranley somehow sees the streetcar as an entirely separate entity than the neighborhood redevelopment, even though the backbone of said development is the construction of a mode of transportation that will allow consumers to quickly and drunkenly get around the city as a whole. Although our mayor is part of the sheltered, stiff-necked conservative culture that caused Cincinnati to start falling behind years ago, he’s still looking out for our best interests in his heart. In fact, Cranley has promised to launch a neighborhood redevelopment plan in Western Hills sometime in the next decade if people in city government ever start caring about what happens on the West Side of this city.

Boone County Chair Finds Teachers Don’t Want Kids or Guns in Their Classrooms

While the societal outrage over violence in classrooms is something that cannot be trivialized, positing that adding more guns to the mix to stop gun violence is something that stupid people have been suggesting for far too long. That’s why a recent board meeting in Boone County was music to the ears of parents who didn’t want their kids’ classrooms to have firearms in them in any capacity. The meeting/debate included the board chair divulging that educators in the system oppose having guns, which angered all the people in the audience who like to talk about what people could have or should have done in past killing spree situations. The board will meet again in the future to discuss other viable methods of persuasion to convince vastly overworked and underpaid educators to add “weapons training” to their list of job duties.

Minnesota Politician Tweets Racist Joke, and It Isn’t Even Funny

Usually, jokes about Minnesota basketball revolve around how the Lakers moved to L.A. because it gets above 30 degrees there or, more recently, how their current NBA franchise, the Timberwolves, have always been a bad team. These are all fine and true. However, when Rep. Pat Garofalo, a five-term Republican from the St. Paul suburb of Farmington tweeted, “Let’s be honest, 70% of teams in NBA could fold tomorrow + nobody would notice a difference w/ possible exception of increase in street crime,” it rubbed a lot of people the wrong way. Garofalo tried to backtrack out of his racist comment, adding that what he should have said was that he hopes the NBA never goes on strike again during the winter in Minnesota because black people hate cold weather.

Climate Change, Inability to Produce Edible-Looking Guacamole Affect Chipotle’s Future

Chipotle is great. The restaurant provides good food for a reasonable price, and it eventually started telling everyone how its pinto beans are made with bacon fat so vegetarians could stop doing the opposite of what they meant to do every time they came in. Even though the company stopped carrying this venerable publication in Cincinnati-area stores a few years ago after getting all rubby about a joke a certain writer made about some nasty food-poisoning outbreak its food caused, WWE! has nothing but love for the chain. (After all, it provides as many napkins and bottles of Tabasco as you can carry out each time you visit.) What could soon change, however, is the number of toppings available, according to the company’s recent Securities and Exchange Commission filings. “Increasing weather volatility or other long-term changes in global weather patterns, including any changes associated with global climate change, could have a significant impact on the price or availability of some of our ingredients,” Chipotle officials say. After considerable outcry on the Internet, company spokespersons later backtracked on this statement, noting that they will still serve guacamole that is the same color as the bags they put your food in and then act like you’re the weirdo for saying “wait, no” when you change your mind about wanting what was supposed to be green but is brownish and foul-looking on your burrito.

CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]

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