Worst Week Ever! March 9-15

Republican group might need to hire one of them social media managers; Syrian refugees introduced to Western culture courtesy of furry convention; Trump revises Cincinnati trip fearing how tiny hands would look holding a coney and more.

Republican Group Might Need to Hire One of them Social Media Managers

It’s 2016. Nobody knows where the world is going, much like it’s been throughout our history on this planet. What we do know is that this talented columnist’s goal of trying to balance the lampooning of politicians to avoid giving the appearance of favoring one party over the other becomes harder to accomplish with each passing week’s news. Last week, the National Republican Senatorial Committee tweeted a pretty thoughtless message about Illinois Democratic congresswoman Tammy Duckworth, who lost both her legs in Iraq in 2004 when her helicopter was hit by an RPG. The NRSC wrote that Duckworth “has a sad record of not standing up for our veterans.” Duckworth’s campaign managers have taken the high road and avoided making an anatomically themed Twitter retort, although part of the reason was because they couldn’t decide whether to allude to the Republican group as a bunch of dicks or assholes.

Syrian Refugees Introduced to Western Culture Courtesy of Furry Convention

The evil satanic media has put the suffering of Syrian refugees really low on the coverage priority list since it became obvious that the issue of how to help them — or whether to help at all — is going to be extremely divisive. (In the media’s defense, people are taking nude photos of themselves in front of mirrors and posting them to social media, so for many that is clearly what is most important.) Sometimes stories about people helping others get lost in the shuffle, like this week’s chance encounter between Syrian refugees and VancouFur, a large furry convention in Vancouver where people who enjoy dressing up in mascot-looking costumes and giving them human-like personalities assemble and do furry stuff. Both groups reportedly lodged at the same hotel, and despite concerns that refugee children might be shocked or scared by the costume-wearing guests, the kids loved the furries and had pictures taken with them. Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was glad that the refugees’ first impression of North America was a positive one, pointing out that if they had come to the U.S. during this time of year the children might have instead observed large groups watching NCAA March Madness games yelling “pass the fuckin’ ball!” and “make a goddamn shot!” while acting like getting daytime drunk and screaming at electronic devices is a normal and celebrated part of our national culture.

Trump Revises Cincinnati Trip Fearing How Tiny Hands Would Look Holding a Coney

There are lots of votes out there in Hamilton County, which is why politicians periodically pop in and eat a coney or two before moving on to the next town. “Most Likely to Make America Resemble Munich 1933” presidential candidate Donald Trump was supposed to do just this, before he realized that Americans who disagree with his stance on hating everyone were getting sick of his spiel and becoming disruptive in Chicago and elsewhere. After Googling Cincinnati’s history of unruly behavior and learning that there was once a riot here after a set by Seven Mary Three at the Jammin’ On Main music festival, Trump’s advisors quickly decided to move his planned rally to the suburban homogeny and comfort of West Chester.

Local Airport Becomes More Inclusive, Allows Four-Legged Friend to Interact with Travelers

You never know who you’ll see at Cincinnati/Northern Kentucky International Airport, but it probably won’t be very many people because lots of area residents choose to drive to Dayton, Indianapolis or other regional airports for much cheaper flights. It is difficult to understand how our city seems to be growing at an exhilarating pace while long-vacant airport terminals are being razed, but that’s neither here nor there. The big news from CVG this week was the appearance of Dakota, a miniature therapy horse involved in the airport’s program to use animals to calm and relax passengers. Dakota was apparently positioned inside the airport in a way that could be described as “welcoming travelers,” and the airport shared a photo of Dakota with the caption “Surprised to see a horse in an airport? Not when you’re in Kentucky.” It is hoped that horses and other animals will soon be promoted to replace TSA workers, because barnyard animals are also capable of stopping zero terrorist attacks and less likely to leer at travelers’ body scan images or steal their valuables.

Hillary Clinton Gives All the Props to Nancy Reagan for Something She Didn’t Do

Nancy Reagan passed away last week and, for reasons that are difficult to grasp, Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton praised Reagan for her help in the fight against HIV/AIDS during the 1980s. In actuality, the Reagans waited until 1987 (six years after the virus was first reported in the medical popular press) to speak about it, essentially turning a blind eye on the deaths of thousands via their non-action. Such details caused many news followers to feel slightly disgusted by the odd pandering by Clinton, who apologized after being called out for her inexplicable historical revision. Clinton then reportedly considered adding an apology for the time she referred to black kids as “super predators” before deciding to spin that one at a later time by saying she was asked who could play the extraterrestrial killer in the classic Schwarzenegger film Predator if there was ever a remake.

CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]

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