WEDNESDAY MAY 15
Cincinnati Mayor Mark Mallory and a host of other business and governmental leaders will take part in this week’s season finale of the CBS show Undercover Boss. The show does a great job of making viewers wonder what it would be like to travel all the time and eat sashimi instead of microwaving all of your dinners and watching TV to see what the world outside your city is like. However, none of the bosses involved with Undercover Boss have taken part in an update before now. When Mallory was on the show back in 2011, he wore glasses, a wig and a mustache in order to not arouse the suspicions of the coworkers he was attempting to dupe. Mallory took part in the ruse by pretending to be a city mechanic, until he was exposed after a coworker standing 15 feet away from him asked the mayor to toss him a spark plug.
THURSDAY MAY 16
Today’s Enquirer reports that hiring one’s child can be good for both the parent and kid. Tax breaks for giving your kid a job are just one of the positive things about keeping it in the family when it comes to adding to your workforce. In addition to leeway with the IRS, hiring your children provides them with an opportunity to gain workplace experience. Perhaps more importantly, it also gives the peers of your son or daughter a really good chance to tell everyone that your progeny only got his or her job through nepotism and that if you weren’t the mom or dad there is no way the talentless brat ever would have gotten the position.
FRIDAY MAY 17
An Erlanger, Ky., grade school hosting 11 teenage girls from India who hope to learn more about basketball. The girls’ coach, who formerly played for India’s national team, said playing against Americans is a good way for the girls to learn more about American culture and basketball strategy. The trip has reportedly paid off, as the girls have visited local attractions such as Kings Island, the Newport Aquarium and a Reds game in addition to learning how to blame the refs for the outcomes of games they lose once they return to competition in their home country.
SUNDAY MAY 19
Sometimes state agencies’ plots are so well thought out that you almost want to give them credit before realizing you should instead be pissed off about getting screwed over by them. A Tampa Bay, Fla., TV station today reported that the Florida Department of Transportation (FDOT) and local municipalities have been collaborating to shorten the length of yellow lights at key intersections, specifically ones equipped with red light cameras. Researchers determined that reducing amount of time a traffic light stays yellow by a half-second can double the amount of citations issued and the revenue generated from them. It remains unclear if drivers who kiss their fingers and tap the roof of their cars while careening through yellow lights were affected by this nefarious traffic plot.
MONDAY MAY 20
While liberal sympathizers should be reticent to approve of anything that Sen. John McCain does, it is hard to find fault in the influential politician’s efforts to implement “a la carte” cable and satellite television service in America instead of the stupid system we have now where you somehow end up paying to have Kirk Cameron ministries and a bunch of other crapola that no one in their right mind would watch broadcast into your dirty living room. Sen. McCain recently told a Senate subcommittee that the a la carte option is cool because it’s non-regulatory and will give consumers the freedom to lower their bills while paying only for the stuff they actually watch. Political and television programming analysts alike agree that if McCain is able to do something about how badly we all get ripped off for cable service, it will become a little easier to forgive the fact that he voted against celebrating Martin Luther King Day in Arizona as recently as 1983.
TUESDAY MAY 21
The hits just keep on coming for Abercrombie & Fitch. After recently being called out for discriminatory hiring practices, its Hollister Co. brand has been found guilty of discriminating against shoppers with physical impairments by not making their 483 locations across the United States wheelchair-accessible. Back in March, a district court in Colorado ordered the company to take action, but nothing has happened to improve the situation. Lawyers involved with the case can’t believe changes haven’t been made yet, since the Americans with Disabilities Act explicitly states that people in wheelchairs should be free to go into some dark-ass store and be subjected to really bad music being played super loudly while the store’s fragrances are pumped through the store in a fine, douchey mist.
CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]