Worst Week Ever! May 25-31

Internet hate machine keeps body-shaming Amy Schumer but should probably stop; NYU whoopsies and throws medical research cadavers into mass graves; Utah senator wows Washington with ability to time travel and more.

click to enlarge Orrin Hatch, time traveler
Orrin Hatch, time traveler

TSA Head Fired; Search for Equally Incompetent Replacement Begins

America is full of useless governmental agencies that funnel tax money into things that serve no purpose, but the Transportation Security Administration really outshines its brethren in this regard. While most people would prefer to not die while flying, the feds’ ill-conceived and even more poorly managed agency has been equal parts embarrassment and headache for travelers since its conception. Such feelings, coupled with the recent release of enraging details of TSA head Kelly Hoggan receiving more than $90,000 in bonuses in 2013-14, drew the ire of enough people that Hoggan finally got the axe last week. Headhunters on the committee to find a suitable replacement are still debating what criteria they should base their search on since the TSA has never foiled a terrorist attack or done much other than make people sweat while waiting in line to answer questions about nail scissors and partially consumed bottles of water as if they were ticking time bombs. Ultimately, aviation industry insiders believe the search for a new TSA leader will be based on what percentage of flights he or she will promise to make people miss.

Internet Hate Machine Keeps Body-Shaming Amy Schumer But Should Probably Stop

It’s hard to say for sure if people have always been so invested in making other people feel bad about their bodies, but it is a shitty thing to do. Comedienne Amy Schumer has long been a target for people who like to ridicule others for their appearance, even though part of her act is mocking such nonsense and she is as funny as any comic out there these days. This week, Schumer made news for responding to nitwits with negative comments about her failure to weigh 80 pounds or whatever they’d like her to by posting on Instagram and showing that she is probably hotter than any woman the haters have ever held a conversation with in a non-work-related setting. Her image-based response to the trolls probably didn’t make the insulting masses feel as shocked as some of her other ideas, which include but are not limited to, posting the text from a snippet from her Amy Schumer: Live at the Apollo where she talks about how vaginal discharge sometimes causes ladies’ underwear to take the appearance of Charlotte’s Web.

Marky Mark's Newest Tragedy-Porn Movie Set to Rake in Millions from People Into That Sort of Thing

Mark Wahlberg has made a ton of movies, some which are less crappy than others. Back when his career began as pop star Marky Mark and he made music videos that featured him weightlifting cinderblocks, nobody could have possibly foreseen that this dude would have such a lasting presence in the entertainment industry. But that’s OK, because nobody could have foreseen how tightly society would embrace stupidity or willingly watch reality shows about losers, their family’s hamburger businesses and Jenny McCarthy’s autism expertise. Anyhoot, the Deepwater Horizon offshore oil rig disaster that killed some workers and a few million animals represents Marky Mark’s latest foray into the business of profiting off awful things that have happened. Early reviews of the film’s script have been mixed, while some critics are waiting to weigh in on the matter until they find out if Wahlberg is going to make any comments on how he could have stopped the disaster like that one time he insinuated that if he was on Flight 93 on 9/11 that the plane would have landed safely on a strip of cotton candy instead of crashing over the Pennsylvania sky.

NYU Whoopsies and Throws Medical Research Cadavers into Mass Graves

It’s been said that death is the great equalizer. It is hard to say if that is true or not, but it does give a vague sense of justice and propriety to people who are sick of going through this life being poor and often unhappy. Whatever death is or isn’t, each of us does get the privilege of leaving our rotting corpse behind to be burned, buried or poked and prodded for the sake of medical research. Some well-meaning and wealthy New Yorkers donated their bodies to medical science at New York University, but, as the The New York Times reports, their families were none too pleased to find out that after their loved ones’ bodies were used for teaching and research purposes, they were callously dumped into mass graves instead of being dealt with in the “appropriate and dignified manner” that the university promised. NYU has apologized and acknowledged that it didn’t treat the cadavers with the amount of respect the school promised the participants. After the initial attempt to pacify the rightfully angry families of those dispensed in such a callous manner, NYU attempted to further smooth things over by reminding everyone that New York has been discarding citizens that no one cared about for centuries, so finding space in the city’s expansive mass grave sites is kind of like getting into one of those cool and exclusive clubs or restaurants that make people feel important.

Utah Senator Wows Washington with Ability to Time Travel

Supreme Court nominee Merrick B. Garland is in the midst of a long, boring nomination process. He has to schmooze with many influential old white men like Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) in order to get the gig. Although Hatch hasn’t yet met with Garland, the longtime senator somehow already wrote an op-ed on the website of a Salt Lake City news outlet in which he describes meeting with Garland and why stonewalling the nomination until lousy Obama gets out of the White House is a great idea. By doing so, Hatch has earned the respect of politicians on both sides of the aisle — even the most left-leaning liberals have to give it up for a guy who can tell people about things that happen in the future while also living staunchly in the racist past and referring to Asian people as “Orientals” as recently as 2015 and forgiving The Donald’s overt racism because even though Trump is super-old he is “inexperienced” in expressing himself.


CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]


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