Renewed Interest in What Others Think Fuels Cranley Concert-Promotion Efforts Mayor John Cranley might have become our mayor mostly because lots of important Cincinnati residents were busy and didn’t vote. And who can blame them — it takes like 10 minutes and makes you late for work unless you get up early. But avoiding this so-called civic duty sometimes results in one’s city being saddled by a leader who only decides he should probably listen to people once in a while after his convoluted, corporate-backed “grassroots” parks initiative goes down in flames. In addition to the Cran Man deciding that maybe he’ll start to respect dissenting opinions, the election result seems to have interested our mayor in other things that sound like something a normal and likable mayor of a large city would do. Take, for example, massively overrated and boring singer Billy Joel. His “Piano Man” singing-ass will play at U.S. Bank Arena on April 5 next year — the only Ohio stop on his tour — an event so noteworthy that Mayor Cranley decided to proclaim the day of the show “Billy Joel Day” in Cincinnati. It is not yet known if the mayor plans to reach out to Joel to see if he might be allowed to hop on stage to talk some shit about the streetcar right before launching into a massively awkward “We Didn’t Start the Fire” duet.Terrorist Attacks in Paris Prompt Noted Intellectual Rob Lowe to Share Immigration Policy TipsParks and Recreation was funny for a while. The show launched Chris Pratt to mega-stardom and gave viewers everywhere a reason to laugh at how quirky and odd the state of Indiana is. Unfortunately, the show also made dyed-in-the-wool douche nozzle Rob Lowe relevant again, a chain of events for which we all bear responsibility. For a while, it was difficult to tell if Lowe was really a bad person by virtue of his DirecTV commercials, which make it seem likely that you would at least have a few drinks before attempting to break his nose in his modern chic condo if you ever watched a game over there with him and his smarmy-ass friends. But it got a lot easier to dislike Lowe right after the horrific terrorist attacks in Paris, when the actor took to Twitter with timely and sensitive comments such as “Oh, NOW France closes its borders” and offering a description of French President Francois Hollande’s speech as “either the worst translation of an important speech ever, or one of the worst ever given.” Lowe later remarked that he was fortunate Twitter wasn’t around back in the Year of our Lord 1988, when he got in trouble for being 22 and filming a sex tape with a 16-year old because people might have had critical comments and hashtags to post about him. NFL’s Gimmicky Thursday-Night Uniforms Make the Bills and Jets Look the Same to Colorblind Fans
Thursday-night NFL games can be hard to watch — some viewers feel like it’s kind of messed up that the league designates two teams to play each week on this non-traditional day of the week, knowing that the players just played on Sunday and haven’t had a full week away from all the brain and other body-part trauma they incurred during the last game. But the NFL likes making money and knows that more football players are always available in the pipeline, so it’s really not that big of a deal. However, the Nov. 12 game between the New York Jets and Buffalo Bills was difficult to watch for an entirely new reason — the teams wore solid-colored green and red jerseys, rendering both teams a weird shade of green to colorblind fans. The mistake led to lots of negative feedback and an eventual apology from the league for coming up with the stupid jersey idea in the first place. The Nike “Color Rush” uniforms are scheduled to be worn in three more Thursday night games this season, but before criticizing them the NFL would like fans to at least acknowledge that some of the league’s alternate uniforms are cool, like the ugly striped throwbacks the Steelers wear that make Ben Roethlisberger and the rest of those whiners look like a group of prisoners from Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
OSU Sues Horseshoe Casino over Attempt to Copyright Basic, Generic Name for Venue
When the Horseshoe Casino sought to register “The Shoe,” the name for its concert venue, back in 2013, the request seemed simple enough — the casino is named after a horseshoe; the concert venue kind of needs its own similar and related name. Unfortunately for the casino and, presumably, horseshoe-shaped venues across the land, the self-righteous university up north has taken issue with “The Shoe,” filing a lawsuit against Horseshoe Casino to block the use of the name because its football stadium is also known as “The Shoe.” THE Ohio State University, which thinks it is the goddamned Vatican of this fair state, is reportedly moving to block the casino’s trademark application, even though the casino is changing hands next year so the venue name will probably change and render this piece of litigation moot. Horseshoe would like to settle this case out of court and has reached out to see if some free tattoos and autographed game jerseys might help smooth things over, since that has worked for OSU football players in the past.
CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]
