Worst Week Ever!: Nov. 19-25

People like owning guns. It gives them the notion that they’re able to stand up for themselves against a tyrannical government and all sorts of other liberating scenarios.

click to enlarge Watch it with that drone, man
Watch it with that drone, man

Research Disputes Notion That Guns Are Magical and Stop Crime

People like owning guns. It gives them the notion that they’re able to stand up for themselves against a tyrannical government and all sorts of other liberating scenarios. When our nation was founded, guns took seven to 10 hours to load and the closest police or government authority could be dozens (if not hundreds) of miles away. Today, our movements and activities are tracked and some guns can shoot entire clips of ammunition with one trigger squeeze. Despite these historical changes, gun owners have held onto the belief that random armed citizens reduce crime because this is what happened in Wild West movies. Unfortunately, as The Washington Post reports, the oft-cited 1997 study that proudly proclaimed “more guns = less crime” has been completely discredited. Even more unfortunately, Stanford law professor John Donohue and his colleagues have added more than a decade’s worth of county-level crime data in America, finding that right-to-carry laws are actually associated with “substantially higher rates” of aggravated assault, robbery, rape and murder. While this sounds like the sort of compelling research that could prompt politicians to change their stances on gun control, it probably won’t have much effect because the scientific community is wary of statistical modeling-based research and the gun community wants to carry firearms while grocery shopping and fantasize about what they would do if there was an active shooter situation nearby.

Our Airport Sucks, but Not for the Reasons ‘HuffPo’ Mentioned

The CVG airport sucks for many reasons. The airport board’s recent spending scandal and attempts to keep ride share services like Uber and Lyft from operating there have also negatively impacted how area residents feel about it, as has the realization that flying out of Dayton or other regional airports is always cheaper but less convenient. However, one thing that doesn’t suck about our airport that we don’t need the smarmy liberal elite from New York-based Huffington Post and their likeminded affiliate bloggers talking down on is our food court, which is serviceable and just fine unless you demand cold water North Atlantic shellfish while flying and reading articles on how to groom your beard. In an article titled, “Every Important American Airport Ranked By Its Food and Drink,” Cincinnati/Northern Kentucky International Airport placed 62nd out of 72. The logic that propelled us to 62nd place included, “They’ve got a Gold Star Chili, if you want to get that weird chili with the spaghetti and shredded cheese people from Cinci seem to love. And a Chick-fil-A, which I like to point out everywhere. But other than that, the people of Northern Kentucky have to contend mainly with chains, and people asking if it is close to ‘where Justified is filmed.’ ” We at WWE! do not know what “Justified” is but would like to posit that Newark Liberty International Airport is filthy, overcrowded, and as close to the Mos Eisley Cantina from Star Wars that you can get in America.

DEA Inquiry Persuades NFL to Act Like It Cares About Prescription Drug Abuse, Too

According to a class-action lawsuit filed by former NFL players, team doctors and trainers have been overprescribing pain and pretty much all kinds of pills to players for years in order to keep them all hopped up so they don’t realize they are hurt and need to sit out in order to recover. This has caused the DEA to start investigating the claims, starting with interviewing teams’ medical personnel while they are on the road to see how they operate and what they carry. The NFL is complying fully with the DEA while also crafting a PR statement insisting that the league is moving in the right direction these days because mistreating life-threatening injuries with opiates for the sake of trying to win football games isn’t so bad compared to only mildly punishing players who beat up their wives and kids.

High School Students Use Twitter to Assail First Lady Over Nasty School Lunches

For years, American high school students have feared school meals and the staffers in the cafeterias in which food was served. The meals that end up on students’ penitentiary-style trays have always been bland and of dubious Food Service Megacorp origin. Now, Twitter students across the country have started sharing images of the gross food they’re served each day and tagging the photos with #ThanksMichelleObama. Many of the pictures and complaints focus on the lack of taste and paltry portion sizes spawned by Michelle Obama’s “Let’s Move!” initiative to curtail childhood obesity. The First Lady is said to be upset to learn that lots of young people are upset about how she managed to somehow make school lunch worse than it was. In response, she is planning a Twitter sit-down to explain to the American people that the Obamas send their daughters to the $35,000 per year private Sidwell Friends School, so when it comes to public school lunch, “#MyKidsDon’tHaveToEatThatShit.”

Ohio College Will Build Indoor Drone Flying Pavilion to Keep Robot Spy Machines Out of Cold

Sinclair Community College in Dayton will soon construct a 40-foot-high flying pavilion to test unmanned aerial systems in a building already being used by students. The $5 million project will allow aviation education students to test drones and other flying craft without having to worry about federal flight restrictions on outdoor flights or inclement weather. College officials plan to turn a profit on this endeavor after they develop and sell drone technology that will better enable lenders to track down the millions of deadbeat graduates who will never make enough to pay back their predatory student loan debts.

CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]

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