WEDNESDAY NOV. 21
Kylee Bennett probably had a better week before Thanksgiving than you did. Suburban news organization/coupon adviser Mason Buzz reported today that the Mason Intermediate fifth-grader got to bring Cincinnati Bengals’ super human/NFL star A.J. Green to class with her on Thursday. Bennett won the “Show ‘N Tell with the NFL” sweepstakes and got to share a limo ride to school with Green. The touchdown-catching machine addressed her class and also spoke at an assembly the entire school attended. Green reportedly answered questions from the student audience and even performed a juggling demonstration for them. Assistant Principal BJ Smallwood described Green as “very down to earth” and said the Bengals star “shared with the kids that he felt being in the NFL was a stepping stone in life and that at some point he would like to use his business degree.” Advanced students were interested in hearing Green explain why he would ever need to use his business degree when he will probably earn like $100 million in the next decade and were disappointed to be told by their principal that the limo wouldn’t wait outside forever, so the assembly was over and it was time for Mr. Green to be on his way.
THURSDAY NOV. 22
It’s always heartwarming to see members of our nation’s armed forces surprise their loved ones by coming home safely and early. Such was the case in Union, Ky., when a Seaman Apprentice surprised his little brother by showing up to see the second-grader at school. The Enquirer article describing this scene was titled “Seaman returns to surprise little brother.” Aside from the reunited family members, no one was happier to see this all go down the way it did than the Enquirer’s copy editing staff. In the near future, they plan to nicely ask for raises and explain how important their jobs are and that newspaper editors are always one misspelled word away from disaster.
FRIDAY NOV. 23
The Washington Times’ Seth McLaughlin last week had the unenviable task of covering the Tea party folks, but had to because that’s his job. His article, “Tea party vows to stay for long haul, takes no blame for GOP losses,” explained how leaders of the bizarre sect refused to be the scapegoats for the ass-kicking Republicans took Nov. 6, instead blaming the “party establishment” for Mitt Romney’s loss and subsequent disappearance. Judson Phillips, head of Tea Party Nation, plans to figure out how to help the Republican party in the future but must first figure out how to get the vast majority of Republicans who aren’t batshit crazy to stop being angry and resentful toward them.
SATURDAY NOV. 24
The best way to increase public safety is to get things that imperil it off the street … and then auction them off to the public so they’ll be back on the streets. That’s the bulletproof rationale the Kentucky State Police are employing by selling confiscated firearms to gun dealers. Before 1998, most police departments in the state destroyed guns taken from criminals, but supporters of the guns-on-the-streets plan note that proceeds from the more than 4,000 guns that will be auctioned by the end of this year to buy bulletproof vests and other crime fighting tools. They also note that the odds of a gun that was seized from a criminal ending up being used in another crime after being auctioned back onto the streets are like the odds of getting struck by lightning twice, or something like that.
SUNDAY NOV. 25
Today your Facebook feed was likely inundated with super-official sounding statuses from your best and brightest friends, warning the site and any other potential player haters out there that nobody owned their photos or copyrightable material. At Facebook headquarters in California, Mark Zuckerberg reportedly began breaking things and cursing in frustration once statuses keeping his hands off users’ pictures of their dogs and drunk friends started popping up on his newsfeed.
MONDAY NOV. 26
Trader Joe’s is going to have to find a new source of peanuts. The FDA today shut down the hippy grocery store’s peanut supplier — a New Mexico plant that is accused of producing unsafe food. Fans of the grocer remain hopeful that the next affiliate of Trader Joe’s to get shut down is the company that decided that parking lots for their stores should be constructed to accommodate five or six cars and a bicycle.
TUESDAY NOV. 27
Cincinnati.com now offers readers access to Ohio’s exotic animals database. The list is provided by the Ohio Department of Agriculture and lets users find what dangerous animals are in any zip code here in the Buckeye State. Citizens are encouraged to report violations to the Department of Agriculture and let them know if any exotic animal owners have disobeyed the conditions of their permit and gotten rid of their mullet.
CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]