WEDNESDAY NOV. 7
Many of us already know the day the music died because there is a song about it. Although there isn’t anyone singing about a Chevy or a levee or a whiskey and rye, the Warren County Tea Party wants to make sure everyone understands that America’s dirt nap has begun. In an email that has been picked up by news agencies both near and far, the group today stated that “The world mourns the loss of America. Socialists, welfare and unions took over this country yesterday. Today I wear black. The day America died.” The tea party went on to ask its fellow countrymen to wear black in a show of solidarity. This offer extends to all the citizens of this great land, unless they are not heterosexual, support women’s rights, or believe we should all have access to health care.
THURSDAY NOV. 8
Vote or tie! That’s what happened in Kentucky earlier this week when Robert “Bobby” McDonald tied with Olivia Ballou for the Walton City Council’s sixth and final seat. Each candidate ended up with 669 votes, after McDonald’s wife Katie didn’t make it to the polls on time. McDonald offered a kindhearted explanation of events, saying “she feels bad enough … she worked extra hours, goes to school and we have three kids, so I don’t blame her. She woke up about 10 minutes before the polls closed and asked if she should run up, but I told her I didn’t think one vote would matter.” The election’s outcome will now likely be decided by a coin flip. Observers from much larger districts are monitoring this crazy story and polling Americans to see if they would prefer to see all elections decided in such “sudden death” fashion rather than having to endure political ads and commentary from the dumbest Facebook friends you have on the subject each year.
FRIDAY NOV. 9
Fox 19 news anchor Tricia Macke today extended a forced apology to MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow for writing that Maddow “is such an angry young man” on her personal Facebook page last month. Macke’s attack on Maddow was seen as mean-spirited and offensive by many. Insiders at Fox 19 suggest that during Macke’s corresponding break from weekend reporting duties she hoped to make things right by flying Maddow to Cincinnati, picking her up at the airport and taking her on a shopping spree at the fabric barn where most of the hideous ’90s powersuits she wears on air come from.
SATURDAY NOV. 10
AAA today predicted that 43.6 million Americans will travel at least 50 miles for Thanksgiving. This will be the fourth consecutive year of travel increases since the financial meltdown of 2008. Robert Darbelnet, AAA president, says the average travel budget this year is $498, down from $544 last year. Darbelnet warns that if the economy improves, Americans will be forced to find a new excuse as to why they can only stay and visit with their family for like two or three days.
SUNDAY NOV. 11
The Christmas tree chosen to be the center of New York’s Rockefeller Center this year survived Superstorm Sandy, even though destruction in the New Jersey town it grew in was severe enough to leave the tree donor without power for weeks. The tree, an 80-foot Norway spruce, weighs 10 tons and is 50 feet in diameter. Mayor Michael Bloomberg plans to honor the tree for its hardiness and stubborn will to survive by displaying it in the middle of Manhattan for a few weeks, then hacking it up into little pieces so we can build stuff out of it.
MONDAY NOV. 12
The Union Township Community Improvement Corp. (CIC) has purchased the building that used to house the Deja Vu Showgirls strip club. Some of the building will be used for a Boys & Girls Club. CIC noted that repurposing materials from Deja Vu would have saved some money, but having to explain to kids why the tetherball court was on a raised, neon lit stage with a disco ball spinning atop it “would not be worth it.”
TUESDAY NOV. 13
In America, everything is pure as the driven snow and legit when you get your way. When that doesn’t happen, you take your ball and go home. Your parents bought that ball for you and you don’t have to play with it with anyone else if they’re going to act dumb. Such bulletproof rationale has led citizens in more than 30 states to respond to President Obama’s reelection by filing petitions to secede, or “withdraw from the United States of America” as Texas’ petition states. Texas Gov. Rick Perry doesn’t support the secession petition, however. In a statement to the Dallas Morning News, Perry said that “even though it is the big spending Democrats’ fault we’re in this secession in the first place, we must find a way to work together as Americans to get out of it.”
CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]