Worst Week Ever!: Oct. 1-7

City of Cincinnati administrators are currently working on a parking plan to accommodate all the rich suburban folk who moved into Over-the-Rhine in the past few years.

click to enlarge Pay up, yuppies!
Pay up, yuppies!


Proposed OTR Parking Plan Hailed for Being Equally Expensive and Stupid

City of Cincinnati administrators are currently working on a parking plan to accommodate all the rich suburban folk who moved into Over-the-Rhine in the past few years. The proposed plan would cost residents who park on city streets $300 per year, with some of those funds slated to help operate the streetcar. Mayor John Cranley, friend of all things streetcar and mayor because nobody voted, believes the city has to press forward with this plan even though it may end up being the most expensive parking permit in any city in America, because, he says, “This all needs to be viewed in the context of paying for the streetcar.” Though there would appear to be a lot wrong with instituting a parking plan that costs 10 times more than any other parking arrangement in the city, Cincinnatians can expect to hear less about whose fault the streetcar is since many people forced to see it everyday will take the hit for the next 10 to 15 years. OTR residents who think paying $300 a year to park in their own neighborhood is outrageous plan to protest it and will try to keep a straight face while saying the reason they oppose it is because it will drive low-income residents from the area, instead of the honest truth — that they’re the reason low-income residents are quickly becoming a thing of the past in Over-the-Rhine and they just don’t want to pay it.

Bluegrass State Sings the Blues About Not Being Able to Vote Against Mitch McConnell Early

The Senate race between Mitch McConnell and Alison Lundergan Grimes is a big deal, but Kentucky residents will have to wait until Election Day on Nov. 4 to be able to cast their votes. Ohio recently pitched a big fit when the Supreme Court sided with the GOP’s limited early voting hours, but according to Kentucky’s former Secretary of State Trey Grayson, voters there have to wait because they aren’t in a crucial battleground state like Ohio (or other places where it is not inconceivable that a politician from either party would have a real shot at winning). Kentuckians can’t use an absentee ballot unless they sign an application under oath that they will not be in America on Election Day or else come up with some other valid excuse like being disabled or dead by then. It is unclear if allowing early voting would boost participation in Kentucky, but since most people don’t vote and then complain a lot it is likely that this practice will be adopted nationwide before too much longer. In the meantime, spokespersons for McConnell and Grimes are trying to put a positive spin on the present voting restrictions, noting that having to wait until Election Day to vote means that they will be able to see all pertinent campaign commercials about who hates Obama more and who is better at holding guns and identifying University of Kentucky basketball players in their ads. 

Anti-Abortion Wackos Upset About Former Pro-Life Politicians Acting Normal

Right to Life of Greater Cincinnati’s political action committee rescinded its endorsements of state Senate candidates Charlie Winburn and Cecil Thomas for committing the graven offense of telling The Enquirer that they aren’t totally on board with proposed new abortion restrictions. Anti-abortion folks are quite fond of pushing to restrict and limit what other free-will having adults can do with their bodies. They are also very fond of voting against funding programs and social services that benefit children. Fortunately, they call themselves “pro-life,” which somehow casts the idea that other people are ecstatic and joyful to get abortions and that they do so because they are “anti-life” or something to that effect. Paula Westwood, executive director of Right to Life of Greater Cincinnati, released a statement explaining that “both Mr. Thomas and Reverend Winburn have a history of pro-life involvement and political action in Cincinnati, but it appears based on their recent public comments that their commitment to pro-life legislative action at the state level is wavering. ... Until we can receive reassurances that they understand the issues and are committed to pro-life political leadership in Columbus, (our PAC) has rescinded their endorsements.” Westwood is planning a follow-up statement in which she will describe how heaven works and that it is more important to spend one’s time on earth restricting and governing others’ personal medical choices than it is to do anything to improve the conditions of the billions of people across the world that no one gives two shits about.

Scientists Discover Brain’s Inner GPS, Still Searching for Radar Detector

A group of British-American and Norwegian scientists won this year’s Nobel Prize for medicine for figuring out how the brain’s navigation system works and decoding clues about how strokes and Alzheimer’s damage it. A Nobel committee member explained the scientists’ accomplishment, likening it to discovering the GPS that makes it possible for humans to comprehend where they are and how they find their way. Although this function stops working during Lumenocity, it is a really big scientific leap that could have profound implications in the future. For example, it is theorized that one day these bright minds will be able to figure out how President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize after being in office for like two weeks and starting a war, and how someone who has supported the stripping of many of our basic rights and signed off on the torture and inhumane treatment of all the people stuck in Guantanamo Bay forever was ever nominated for the award in the first place.

‘Enquirer’ Editor Says Latest Round of Layoffs Will be Super Exciting for Readers

We at WWE! often read The Cincinnati Enquirer in order to acquire valuable insights about poor people getting arrested and the types of ways P&G

tortures animals

helps the world, and last week’s story,

“Twitter war: Cincy or Bengal’s opponent Charlotte the real Queen City?,” didn’t disappoint. Although it is piss poor that Enquirer editors can’t be bothered to differentiate between the punctuation of Bengals’ and Bengal’s, top editor Carolyn Washburn’s nearby dispatch on the company’s plan to lay off editorial staff and make others reapply for their own jobs was delightfully upbeat. Washburn described the process as part of a “fun new world,” ignoring the fact that she isn’t one of the people who are about to take a huge pay cut and forfeiture of benefits to bring her Huxley-esque vision to life. 

CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]

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