Worst Week Ever!: Oct. 15-21

UC football coach Tommy Tuberville introduced President George W. Bush to some of the squad down in Dallas before the team won big over Southern Methodist University.

Oct 22, 2014 at 9:15 am
click to enlarge Can't get out!
Can't get out!

George W. Bush Visits with UC Football Players, Explains How to Succeed in Life

Even though everyone has given up on watching the University of Cincinnati’s football team this season because they aren’t very good, that didn’t stop coach Tommy Tuberville from introducing President George W. Bush to some of the squad down in Dallas before the team won big over Southern Methodist University. In addition to handling the pregame coin flip, President Bush also spoke with many of UC’s players and staff in the locker room before kickoff. To hype the team up, Bush reportedly told the squad about how Cs get degrees and that if they are well connected enough through oil money and Skull and Bones connections they can avoid war drafts, have cocaine and DUI problems overlooked, and one day become president (and then plunge our nation into decades of war that doesn’t even target the countries or people we believe to be behind killing thousands of American citizens). One of the Bearcats’ game captains told a little story about the coin flip: “When he flipped that coin, me and Nick had told him we were going to call tails. He flipped it and it was heads and he, like, apologized to us. I was sitting there thinking, no matter what we called, we’re in Texas against a Texas team, that thing’s going to go their way.” Bush reportedly laughed at the remark and noted that the coin flip wasn’t like a presidential election where there are all sorts of allegations of impropriety that cost Al Gore the presidency in a state where Bush’s brother was governor.

How the Hell Do You Escape From Kenwood Mall?

The large expanse of fresh hell known as Kenwood Towne Center was on high alert on Saturday afternoon after a shoplifting incident at Dillard’s turned into a police chase that carried over into Deer Park. Three women were on the loose after the chase ended when the vehicle crashed into a pole. The stolen merchandise was recovered, but the important question of how the perpetrators escaped from the mall remains unanswered and puzzling, as it takes everyone else 10 or 15 minutes to get out of that jam-packed and slow-moving parking lot.

ATV Riders Bubbing It up Hard in Covington Park

ATV riders are to wildlife areas what Harley Davidson riders are to the open road — loud, obnoxious and nearly universally disliked by people who don’t understand why loud vehicles are supposed to be cool or some sign of rebelliousness that adults can hold onto long after their teen years of skipping school to smoke pot pass them by. Take, for example, the situation in Covington, Ky., where ATV riders’ tires are messing up trails in the 30-acre nature area in Bill Cappel Park. Director and engineer of the Northern Kentucky University Center for Environmental Restoration Scott Fennell says the use of off-road vehicles in the park is a hazard to the public because kids play in the woods, adults hike and ATVs smash up the environment. Additionally, any torn up trails create sediment that spills into Banklick Creek, meaning that both land and waterways are damaged by ATV use. The outlaw riders are ignoring signs throughout the park that advise ATV owners to be less poor and buy their own land to foul up, which has prompted concerned citizens to ask local law enforcement to actually, um, enforce the law instead of relying on signs to do the job. The Kentucky State Police are not sure if they have the manpower to curtail this destructive activity and note that they might just have to wait until the next ATV rider crashes, incurs life threatening injuries that require an Air Care flight, and then stick taxpayers with the lump sum for the massive, recklessly incurred medical bills in order to have a sit-down talk with one of the perpetrators.

Christianity Now Available in Drive-Thru Format, Still Should Be Taken Seriously Though

When institutions exert influence to decide who can get married and who can’t, and other things that no group of people should be able to decide for another, they should get held up to thorough scrutiny. Look at modern-day Christianity, for example. In Bucks County, Pa., several churches are now offering “drive-thru prayer” for their parishioners and everyone else who realizes that if god was real he wouldn’t have scheduled the weekly delivery of his message at the same time that the early NFL games kickoff. All are welcome at the drive-thru prayer windows of the churches. Also, members of the churches involved say their leaders deserve recognition for realizing that humans are too focused on taking pictures of themselves and the food they eat to have the time and desire to take the effort and steps necessary to live the godly life described within the Bible, so bastardizing the way in which religion is adhered to is pretty much the only way to get people these days to front like they’re part of it.

“Machine Gun Social” Causes Stir in Lebanon

When our nation was founded, religion mattered more and so did the freedom to have as many muskets that shot metal balls from them one at a time as you could. The pro-slavery, wooden-toothed, powdered-wig wearing men of then decided they needed to defend themselves from tyranny, Native Americans and other things they were scared of. These days, people look back to that time and reason that even though we have an ever-present police presence and National Guard troops that would put down any sort of rebellion quickly and efficiently, we need to be allowed to own assault rifles and machine guns because they’re cool. Rep. Ron Maag (R-Lebanon) is under fire (ha!) for scheduling an Oct. 25 fundraiser at a local nature center and calling it a “Machine Gun Social.” After trying to explain that the event will indeed be a safe one that all are welcome to attend, an exasperated Maag told reporters that even if Machine Gun Social is a bad name for a fundraiser, it would still be a really good name for a band.

CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]