WEDNESDAY OCT. 17
Students from St. Henry Elementary School in Elsmere, Ky., brought their pets in with them today so that they could take part in the school’s annual pet blessing. Cats, dogs and other animals took part in the ceremony, which shows that the students are learning many valuable lessons about love and responsibility through their ownership of a pet. An added benefit of this traditional event is the students becoming more familiar with the American Way, which dictates that the lives of our pet turtles are of greater importance to God than people’s lives who don’t reside in America or worship the correct deity.
THURSDAY OCT. 18
Newport on the Levee today hosted its first Beer Walk. For $25, participants were able to try different craft beers from at least seven establishments within the Levee and were also given a souvenir Beer Walk glass to take home with them. The event was the first of its kind held at the Levee, and the next time the riverfront entertainment complex throws a Beer Walk party, it plans to launch an advertising campaign encouraging more Ohioans who work downtown to attend. One of the tactics being discussed to achieve this goal is rumored to be telling Ohioans that crossing a bridge on foot to come to the Levee for a Beer Walk will be “way less sad” than when you do it after a Reds or Bengals game.
FRIDAY OCT. 19
Hamilton County Commissioners have asked an appeals court to stop Juvenile Court Judge Tracie Hunter from hiring a second court administrator, The Enquirer reported today. Allegations of preferential treatment and the uproar over the judge’s attempt to hire another employee who will make $107,000 per year despite a looming 17 percent budget cut for the Juvenile Court have made this a real hot-button issue. Observers from all points on the map of social stratification eagerly wait to see how the appeals court will rule in this issue and if somehow a legal precedent will be made that would enable other judges to help you get the people who annoy the piss out of you and don’t do anything at your job fired.
SATURDAY OCT. 20
Paranormal Activity 4 is in theatres near you, and the Hollywood Reporter thinks it sucks. Since reviewer Justin Lowe probably had some hack of an editor who insisted on him meeting a word count, he couldn’t simply state that this franchise of movies is neither scary or worth watching. Instead, Lowe scribed that “asymmetrically framed scenes, staccato editing techniques and oppressive ambient sound (and the ominous lack of a score) are substituted for any real narrative development, leaving a plot essentially consisting of a series of setups followed by frightening payoffs.” Other qualms with the plotline include the audience’s inability to believe that some idyllic rich-people house featuring an in-ground pool that was built in like 2005 could be haunted, or that we should feel bad when people who are rich enough to hire a full-time nanny get targeted by evil beings from the nether world.
MONDAY OCT. 22
Norwood City Council is putting on the full-court press to try to get payroll-processing company Paycor to move out of its cozy digs over in Queensgate. Norwood would like Paycor to move to a site off the Norwood Lateral and is reportedly contemplating offering job-creation incentives to the company, which envisions a “Silicon Valley-type” home office that will include a cafe and fitness center. Plans also include covering the windows of the new site with pictures of Californians, so the “Silicon Valley” vibe isn’t disrupted by scenes of day-to-day life in Norwood.
TUESDAY OCT. 23
Like Galileo, Christina Aguilera’s recent bomb of an album, Bionic, was “ahead of its time” ... at least according Aguilera. The comment was made in response to music journalists at Billboard asking why the [expletive] it only sold 300,000 copies in the U.S. Aguilera said she worked with a lot of underground people who aren’t really into Pop music and that the album will be appreciated later like the guy who said the Earth wasn’t flat and then got stoned for being a witch. Readers of the cover story in which this claim was made have been left to wonder how and when humanity as we know it will evolve into a state where people want to listen to someone warbling and dancing like she works at one of those bars out by the airport.
CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]
