Worst Week Ever!: Oct. 23-29

Cincy: Let’s Get Wasted in Public: Sometimes questions kind of answer themselves, like when you’re offered a sample of a little cracker in the grocery store and you feel like eating a cracker. An Enquirer headline today prompted a similar r

Oct 30, 2013 at 8:56 am
Strong mayor?
Strong mayor?

Local Chef Declares Love for Personified Cincinnati

There are few things people like more than having their hometown complimented, because it is the place where they live and it’s sad to think that other places could make you happier, healthier or richer (Cincinnatians don’t care about other people’s weather because we enjoy hating ourselves a little; keeps us grounded). Local restaurateur David Falk last week penned a love letter to Cincinnati as part of Huffington Post’s “Love Letters” series, a collection of essays to cities from notable locals that

got mad likes on Facebook

highlighted each community’s strong suits as perceived by themselves. Falk’s was one of the more articulate — and sensual — of the collection, as he wrote that Cincinnati has grown up, lost her braces and is now “hot,” then lamented how he left her for other women but that they didn’t “have your warmth, your endless gratitude or that look you give me when you’re ready to leave a party.” The story was shared on Facebook 4,500 times within a week and was credited with being the most creative essay in the series next to the guy from Milwaukee who hand-wrote an ode to Harley Davidson and included drawings of the coolest motorcycles. 

John Barrett Says He Said Something Funny in 1986

The problem in journalism with using anecdotes provided by the only source in an article is that you have to confirm with someone else that the story happened the way it was described. But when a quip is good enough to be the third paragraph in your Sunday feature story and the only other person in the story is dead now, sometimes you say, “Fuck it; probably happened.” That’s likely what Enquirer editors did for an Oct. 27 story about Western & Southern CEO John Barrett continuing the company’s 125-year tradition of forward thinking when it comes to selling people shit that literally doesn’t exist. The “special feature” celebrated the life insurance giant’s anniversary, leading with an anecdote about how in 1986 a young, up-and-coming Barrett responded to former W&S CEO William J. Williams asking him what he thought of a new company strategy. “I made a comment to him privately that we had a dynamite plan for the Korean War,” said Barrett, who apparently was being sarcastic. “We chuckled about it, and he said, ‘What would you do?’” Twenty-three years later, the company is way bigger and Barrett is mostly known locally for suing the city and forcing the Anna Louise Inn out of Lytle Park. The interview noted that Barrett has also expanded the company’s real estate division, built a hotel, golfed a lot and that The Enquirer will be back to interview him about whatever he wants in another three months or so.

Cincy: Let’s Get Wasted in Public

Sometimes questions kind of answer themselves, like when you’re offered a sample of a little cracker in the grocery store and you feel like eating a cracker. An Enquirer headline today prompted a similar response, as its story titled, “Want to drink in the street?” was likely met by most readers with an excited, “Sure, when?” The story’s intention, however, was to point out that Ohio residents currently are not allowed to drink in the street (HEAR THAT, COLERAIN TOWNSHIP?) but a new bill with bipartisan support could change that for certain parts of town. Legislators point to Memphis’ success growing its Beale Street district and say Cincinnati’s Over-the-Rhine would become even more like its bustling heyday of the 1920s if people could take their beers outside when they want to laugh at people riding pedal wagons instead of crowding against bar windows and yelling insults they can’t even hear.  

‘Enquirer’ Endorses Candidates with Mass Differences Who Could Theoretically Work Together

We at WWE! don’t pretend to know how a city government actually works; we know there are three parts but not exactly which branch could make it shut down (probably whoever is in charge of the pools?). NEVERTHELESS, today’s Cincinnati Enquirer endorsements for City Council confused us when they were introduced with a paragraph about the city’s “impressive progress in recent years” but framed by problems dating back 12 and 63 years, which leaves one wondering who is supposed to get credit for the progress and where we can find the irresponsible 90-year-olds who caused half our problems. The endorsement explanation also points out that The Enquirer’s selections, four incumbents and five challengers, is a collection of streetcar supporters and opponents plus people on both sides of the parking plan who will, as a unit, come together like the seemingly unrelated parts of a Decepticon that would change its ways and start doing good things for everybody instead of smashing everything and hurting all the Transformers.  

Alleged Boobie Bar: City Can’t Sue Itself

Most people know what it’s like to show up in court and be told that they are going to jail (not many other reasons to go to court; most people are guilty and just want to get out of there with time served). Representatives of a downtown bar today did the opposite, arguing that the city of Cincinnati can’t sue them over allegedly allowing women to dance nude and semi-nude because the city owns the property and thus is suing itself. The situation is causing the city solicitor to represent city’s prosecution case and also defend the property against his own awesome case. The judge says the situation is bringing up a broader legal question: If the bar countersues itself then drops the charges, will the women’s clothes reappear on their bodies?

RIP Lou Bega’s Music 

It’s typically pretty funny when things don’t go right, like when Fox News accidentally re-reports totally fake stories from The Onion and its audience thinks they’re right about something. Another mistake occurred today on the interwebs when a reporter working on a story about the death of prolific Rock star Lou Reed accidentally confused him with Lou Bega, a Latin Pop musician who achieved minimal fame with his ’90s hit “Mambo No. 5.” Bega took to Facebook to commemorate Reed but also posted a weird selfie in which he sports a beret and a porno stache which he then posted to his Match.com profile. Bega has asked his public relations team to research if any other famous people who also have the last name “Bega” might be near death before he decides to spend more time and money on making music to try to get any press again.

CONTACT DANNY CROSS: [email protected]