Worst Week Ever!: Oct. 30-Nov. 5

Future Republican Presidential Nominee Watches Sci Fi Film, Says Plot Could Totally Happen: While the liberals here at CityBeat prefer the nutty “everything is a conspiracy” brand of Republican politician over the “selectively interpret pas

Nov 6, 2013 at 9:37 am
Is this thing safe to party on?
Is this thing safe to party on?

Future Republican Presidential Nominee Watches Sci Fi Film, Says Plot Could Totally Happen

While the liberals here at CityBeat prefer the nutty “everything is a conspiracy” brand of Republican politician over the “selectively interpret passages from the Bible to exert social control over a nation founded on the principle of separating state and church” kind, they both suck. Fortunately, both types can be counted on to make amusing and outlandish claims that tie into the bad things the Nazis did in some way. During an appearance at Liberty University (founded by gay Teletubby hater and renowned academic Jerry Falwell) to support Virginia’s wacko gubernatorial candidate Ken Cuccinelli, Kentucky Sen. Rand Paul suggested that evil practitioners of science are going to lead our society to function in a way in which people who aren’t pretty and smart are wiped from the face of the earth. Paul asked, “In your lifetime, much of your potential — or lack thereof — can be known simply by swabbing the inside of your cheek. ... Are we prepared to select out the imperfect among us?” Ignoring the possibility that eugenics isn’t exactly a hot-button issue with voters who are likely more concerned about our government’s inability to stay open, Paul plagiarized the Wikipedia entry for the movie Gattaca in order to help explain his points better. A Paul staffer then disclosed that she would have to check to see what else is in the “Recently Added” category on Netflix Instant before figuring out what the topic of conversation should be at his next appearance.

Airport Board Members Given Huge Travel Budgets Blow Mass Money, Shocking Everyone

Cincinnati’s airport has been run so poorly that it’s often wiser for locals to drive more than a hundred miles away to save lots of money on fares and be able to choose between more than two airlines. According to an Enquirer report, at least board members at CVG are living the glamorous life. Since 2011, board members have racked up more than $141,000 in travel and meal expenses, with group dinners on some trips costing as much as $3,000. The day The Enquirer’s report came out, board chairman Jim Huff and vice chairman Larry Savage were reportedly in Italy after flying first class to a conference that will cost the airport at least $20,000. Since people given access to tons of money with very little oversight do bad things with it more often than they don’t, public backlash over this developing scandal has been minimal. Local travelers were not surprised to hear about the misappropriation of funds, but would like the board members to consider bringing Sbarro back to the CVG food court and making clerks at newsstands stop asking if you’d like to donate money to some cause when you just paid like nine goddamn dollars for a pack of Spree and a bottle of water.

Older Talentless Celebrity Wears Costume of Young Talentless Celebrity

People everywhere think that talking about and referencing Miley Cyrus somehow keeps them in the loop and from sounding old and out of touch. One such person, Jenny McCarthy, decided to dress as Miley’s tongue for Halloween this year. While most people wish people would quit talking about some carefully planned stunt meant to make stupid people think something outrageous happened, others view the former Disney star’s award show appearance as one of the most significant things to happen in our country since the Kent State protests. Next Halloween, Miley Cyrus plans to wear a Jenny McCarthy costume, which consists of wrapping tin foil around one’s head and saying a bunch of stupid things about how bad vaccines are for children.

New Health Insurance Plan’s Website Starts Working Better, People Running out of Things to Whine About

Gandhi once said, “First you lose an election, then the majority rule, which is the backbone of democracy, shows support for health care reform, then you complain and throw tantrums and try to somehow keep what got voted into effect from happening so you can get what you want.” When Healthcare.gov was launched, people waited an average of eight seconds for each page they clicked to load. Since it is no longer the 1990s, people got mad about this. Teams of developers are making updates to ensure the system is secure, fast and functional. Some problems with the site were caused by hardware issues at Verizon, but many still complained and acted like people with low tech-skills do when websites they frequent undergo minor design changes which temporarily make everything seem scary and hard to them. Although the rollout of this incredibly large-scale project has not been entirely smooth, President Obama’s web developers have promised to reward those opposed to the Affordable Care Act by parroting some elements from Dominos’ website, including modifying their order tracker to display how close the government-appointed death panel is to deciding each applicant’s fate.

Cruise Ship Modified to Store Rich Drunken Football Fans During Super Bowl

This year’s Super Bowl is slated to take place at MetLife Stadium in East Rutherford, N.J. It will be the first time the NFL’s title game is played in an NFL stadium that isn’t a dome or located where the weather is warm enough to entice old people to move there. Norwegian Cruise Line’s new ship “Norwegian Getaway” holds 4,028 passengers, and will be converted by Anheusher-Busch InBev into the “Bud Light Hotel” for a few days. Guests will be able to rent rooms there from the Thursday before the game until the morning after it’s played. A-B will transform the ship into one big Bud Light ad by putting the logo on all the pillows, towels and other shipboard items made available to guests. Chefs aboard the ship plan on introducing a menu full of “Bud Light compatible” food that will taste like nothing at all but won’t make you feel too full, either.


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