Worst Week Ever!: Oct. 8-14

Take, for example, the issue of climate change, which shouldn’t be such a murky pit of idiocy and back-and-forth amongst people who haven’t learned anything about anything in years.


Populace Still Unclear on Why Uninformed People’s Opinions Matter on Climate Change

For a while, social media seemed like a great thing that would enable us to communicate more easily and share and learn together. Then we realized it’s all pretty annoying and the best way to go is to use it infrequently and grumble to one’s closest friends about how everyone else is stupid, like old people do. Take, for example, the issue of climate change, which shouldn’t be such a murky pit of idiocy and back-and-forth amongst people who haven’t learned anything about anything in years. The egghead liberals at NASA believe that 97 percent of climate scientists blame mankind for the noticeable changes in our environment and all sorts of other things that we can’t really blame stupid Mother Nature for. Even after changing the terminology from “global warming” to “climate change” people like Mitch McConnell still think nothing bad has or will come from burning coal until there are no mountains, hills or breathable air left. Speaking to The Enquirer last week, McConnell pretended like he really doesn’t know what to think, explaining thusly: “We can debate this forever. … George Will had a column in the last year or so pointing out that, in the ’70s, we were concerned the ice age was coming. I’m not a scientist. I’m interested in protecting Kentucky’s economy.” McConnell went on to discuss how not knowing about things doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have strong opinions on them, noting that although no one from his tax bracket will ever die while fighting wars to protect the military industrial complex’s interests and profit margins it’s still really important that the United States keeps sending soldiers overseas for the next few dozen years.

Cincinnati Finally Decides to Remove Signage Pointing Visitors to Cinergy Field

Lots of people downtown over the years have wondered if and when the sign-updating branch of our local government would get around to changing signage directing visitors to Cinergy Field, which was exploded into dust back in the year of our lord 2002. With Major League Baseball’s All-Star Game coming to town next July, it would seem prudent to get rid of all the signs that give directions to places that are no longer standing. Fortunately for local citizens concerned by the outdated signs, city transportation director Michael Moore has stated that by the end of the year our fair city will only have signs pointing toward places that still exist. Moore says the only reason it took the city of Cincinnati a dozen years to fix this problem is that some leaders thought time travel might become widely available by now so keeping signs from multiple eras of sports stadiums wasn’t really a bad idea.

It’s a Good Thing Marijuana is Still Illegal

With the widespread looting, assaults and societal breakdown that have occurred in Washington and Colorado since pot became legal in those states, Tristate residents can rest assured knowing that none of the millions in tax revenue generated through its sale will improve our school systems or be used to treat and help people with drug problems bad enough that injecting random crap into whatever vein they can get to work will be available any time soon. Northern Kentucky has been hit particularly hard by the heroin epidemic, with many young people who truly want to beat addiction and stop wasting their lives away while funding Mexican cartels finding themselves unable to find help. For example, the patients at NKY Med Clinic who can’t pay $450 per month for treatment (because heroin addicts usually have lots of spare income lying around) are reportedly facing an extremely high risk of relapsing, overdosing and dying. In Ohio, Medicaid picks up the cost for such treatments, but in Kentucky it does not. Presently, heroin addicts in Kentucky face an extremely tough battle to get and stay clean. State government will continue to say that it doesn’t have funds in the budget to help save young peoples’ lives from the throes of addiction while ignoring the reality that legalized pot reduces overdose deaths, cartel influence and even makes shitty pizza like Domino’s seem worth ordering.

Hamilton County’s New Plan to Aid the Rich Crafted by the Rich

A recently proposed Hamilton County budget plan could result in residents paying higher sales taxes and lower property taxes. This budget idea crafted by people with houses worth six figures and cars that cost more than a lot of people make in a year is a prime example of what happens when rich people make laws and what is wrong with America as a whole. The plan is intended to raise funds for more sheriff’s patrols and related crime fighting efforts that will surely keep our jails overflowing for the foreseeable future. The problem with it is that raising sales taxes, which we all pay, to balance out lowering the property tax rate that stupid poor people who live in apartments never benefit from is like some modern day feudalism in action (at least back then poor people got a bunch of land they could do stuff on). It is hoped that through the funding of this and other similar initiatives that will bite the poor harder than the rich that Cincinnati can one day move all of the poor people to Westwood and then put a dome over it like they did in the Simpsons movie.

Kroger Admits “Simple Truth” Chickens Are Treated Like Shit Like all Chickens We Eat

Kroger’s marketing team though it was on to something when it launched the “Simple Truth” line of chicken and fronting as if the little guys were raised humanely and sung lullabies before having their heads chopped off by some industrial machine that performs that operation thousands of times per day. In response to a lawsuit filed by an organization called Compassion Over Killing, Kroger last week agreed to quit putting a “raised in a humane environment” label on the dead shrink wrapped chickens within the next 12 months. It is rumored that they will replace the untruthful label with one that simply states, “Raised by the best, dead like the rest.”

CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]

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