WEDNESDAY SEPT. 12
Usually, when a person quits their job because they know they’re about to get fired for doing something bad it goes the same way. They tender their resignation, feel thankful for all the stuff they didn’t get caught doing and move on to the next stop on the line of Jobs That Didn’t Understand. Then again, you aren’t smart enough to be a university president ... and probably have lots of jobs you have to leave off of your resume because of “how shit went down.” Greg Williams was the University of Cincinnati president until six days before fall classes were to begin, when he golden parachuted out of that fine institution. In addition to being able to go out on a high note without giving the proper two-week notice, UC will pay Williams $1.3 million over the next two years to not work there. Local reaction to this development was minimal, as it did not involve something important like a football coach leaving the school.
THURSDAY SEPT. 13
Amanda Bynes, once named one of Teen People’s “25 Hottest Stars Under 25” got herself into hot water today after paparazzi filmed her driving around for hours while hitting a marijuana pipe that looks like a car lighter. The actress made a stop for some tacos and then continued to doob cruise all over L.A. on a suspended license. Bynes is being sought by the LAPD for her traffic infractions, while the California Office of Tourism is considering a lawsuit against her for adding credibility to the notion all people do when visiting Los Angeles is ride around aimlessly in a car all day smoking out and eating tacos.
FRIDAY SEPT. 14
Local bakery Busken is baking cookies and LOLZ simultaneously this election season. Folks (even felons!) can “cast their vote” in this year’s presidential election by purchasing a delectable iced treat featuring the likeness of either President Barack Obama or Republican candidate Mitt Romney. Names for the cookie campaign range from “Chews Your Candidate” to “2 Crumby Candidates.” Each cookie costs $2.25, meaning Busken is poised to make quite a handsome profit in the upcoming months. The bakery expressed relief that Ralph Nader will not be running in the 2012 Election, since that would require explaining to all patrons how buying a Nader cookie would really be like buying a Romney cookie since no one who votes Republican would consider voting for Nader, and that our electoral system is fine.
SATURDAY SEPT. 15
An ever declining economy, Facebook and the support of U.S. Rep. Ron Paul and U.S. Sen. Rand Paul have been cited as reasons why “the legalization of industrial hemp is closer than ever,” according an article in today’s Enquirer. In a rare modern-times show of bipartisan support, both the Democratic and Republican candidates for Congress in the 4th District want to legalize industrial hemp. Federal law still considers industrial hemp and marijuana the same, meaning it remains illegal to grow. Kentucky Gov. Steve Beshear remains opposed to legalizing industrial hemp, but does acknowledge that the state needs to pursue sources of income for the commonwealth that do not include the University of Kentucky’s Men’s College Basketball Champions merchandise or really cheap liquor and generic brand cigarettes.
SUNDAY SEPT. 16
Jeopardy host Alex Trebek figured out what it was like to spend a lifetime in Cincinnati, despite only residing here during the summer of 1958. Recalling his time in the Queen City, Trebek spoke with the Enquirer’s John Kiesewetter about his experience here with the awful summer weather conditions and how much fun it was being a trash hauler. Of his time here, Trebek recalled: “work had to do with garbage detail. So I’ve often told people that I was a garbage man in Cincinnati.” It is widely believed that while being a garbage man during the sweltering summer of 1958, Trebek first conceived the idea to someday host a game show and add some completely unnecessary French-Canadian Fur Trader accent to words like “frisbee” and “Cadillac” which sound just fine when an American says them.
MONDAY SEPT. 17
Duke Energy today unveiled a new corporate logo because it is now the nation’s largest utility after merging with Progress Energy in July. The new logo, featuring some friendly looking colorful lines, was chosen over another popular logo concept that reportedly incorporated the Monopoly man holding sacks of money in each hand.
TUESDAY SEPT. 18
Snowboarder Shaun White was arrested in Nashville after setting off a fire alarm, breaking a hotel phone and kicking a man who threatened to call the cops on him. White is expected to release an apology later this week, which will in part explain how he “didn’t think my arrest would be this big of a deal since nobody watches the X-Games.”
CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]