Worst Week Ever! Sept. 2-8

ResponsibleOhio debuts weird weed mascot named Buddy; 'Cincinnati Enquirer' finds new, innovative method to disappoint and sadden readership; overrated NFL quarterback acts like sports drink prevents concussions; Obama renames Mt. McKinley in honor of po

ResponsibleOhio Debuts Weird Weed Mascot Named 'Buddie'

It’s easy to debate the merits of a collection of rich people suggesting that Ohio should give them the keys to a billion-dollar industry that will no doubt pump tax dollars and weed smoke throughout the land once it is inevitably legalized. (First question: Wouldn’t Bearcats players from the 2000s be more appropriate stewards of marijuana farms than the Big O?) In an idiotic effort to further distract voters from its evil cartel plan, the organization pushing the weed legalization effort in Ohio, which uses the friendly title of ResponsibleOhio, last week started driving a van around near UC and downtown featuring the campaign’s mascot, an androgynous green being named Buddie who resembles a piece of weed if you look at him just right. ResponsibleOhio plans to have this nudnik make more than 150 stops between now and election day, with hopes that nobody realizes that a more appropriate mascot for the campaign would be Celly the Cell Mate, who represents what anyone who isn’t in the cartel and gets caught growing more than four plants will have if its legislation is passed.

‘Cincinnati Enquirer’ Finds New, Innovative Method to Disappoint and Sadden Readership

Before Guns N’ Roses broke up and let a bunch of butt rock take over the Rock ’n Roll airwaves, the band released a song called “Dead Horse.” This columnist often thinks of that tune when bashing our local newspaper, since there are so many opportunities to make jokes about the laughable lack of quality and copy editing that are core elements of its production. However, nearly every week, The Enquirer prints something so bad that it can’t go without mention. This time, we’ll draw our focus onto a recent editorial about the streetcar saga, titled “Has streetcar maker jilted us?” This juvenile missive comes from the point-of-view of a jilted lover who longs to understand why a bunch of communication issues typical of a long-term human relationship are happening between a personified city and an actual company in New York that has better shit to do than read fake love notes from smart-ass newspapers. Though it involves cringe-inducing lines by the bushel (“When we first met, I knew we had something special. I know you felt it too. We clicked.”), haters shouldn’t get too riled about this high-school-paper-type piece since The Enquirer plans to continue in this imaginative series, and it could improve (“Dear John Kasich: Where are you?”). The publication is reportedly mulling the possibility of printing an editorial in response from the point-of-view of a confused reader who can’t figure out how The Enquirer went from being a well-respected media outlet with gilded Art Deco design elements in its office building to being a shit factory whose younger writers regularly make Buzzfeed look like the New York Times.

Overrated NFL Quarterback Acts Like Sports Drink Prevents Concussions

Concussions are hard to understand. There are conflicting schools of thought about the particulars of this type of head injury, and the NFL has done everything in its power to drag its feet on learning more about them, even as ex-players take their own lives potentially as a result of head trauma sustained during their playing careers (one even fatally shot himself in the chest, in part to preserve his brain for scientific study). This sort of occurrence might cast a bit of a pallor over Budweiser commercials and tax dollars burning up by the millions when fighter jets that were used to attack people in desert countries fly over football stadiums as the national anthem is being warbled before games. Even though it seems like everyone agrees that getting your melon slammed off the ground by some of the biggest, baddest athletes in the world does not help cognitive function, one person says this complicated medical matter might be easy to avoid — smarmy Seattle Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson recently told a magazine that Reliant Recovery Water (a company in which he is an investor) helped him recover from a concussion sustained in last year’s playoff game versus Green Bay. “I banged my head during the Packers game, and the next day I was fine,” Wilson reportedly said. “It was the water.” This medical breakthrough has fans of every other NFL team wondering if the super QB can come up with some sort of liquid wonder juice that will keep Macklemore’s untalented gimmicky ass from appearing during broadcasts of Seahawks games in the future.

Obama Renames Mt. McKinley in Honor of Popular SUV Model

Sometimes it can be hard to figure out what the president of the United States really does, since it is apparent that he is basically just a pawn to the corporate entities that finance campaigns and lean on their chosen politicians to do what they say to help keep them rich and others poor. But sometimes, like this week, you see what a president does. Just before leaving for Alaska, the Obama administration announced that Ohio is boring and that having a mountain 4,000 miles away named for a dead former president from our state is kind of stupid. As a result, Obama has decided that Mount McKinley will heretofore be known as “Denali,” its traditional Alaska Native name. Most Alaskans support this change and admitted to not really understanding why one of the most picturesque features of their state was named after some stupid coney-eater in the first place. The president took full credit for changing the mountain’s name, but did pass on trolling the media by pretending Denali was a Kenyan word and suggesting he chose it because he is from there and is one of them Muslim-terrorist types. Obama also continued to pass on the golden opportunity to stop trying to put Edward Snowden in jail for the rest of his life, because behind all the cool Shephard Fairey art pieces and hopes for societal change he was elected behind, he’s really a staunch supporter of the low-wage surveillance state we live in and no different than any other president in recent history.


CONTACT ISAAC THORN: [email protected]


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