Worst Week Ever!: Sept. 24-30

Politics are stupid and the world is just going to keep on keepin’ on toward its path of speedy destruction, Botox and bullshit no matter who you vote for.

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Stop the presses, there’s a racist political candidate from Kentucky!

Politics are stupid and the world is just going to keep on keepin’ on toward its path of speedy destruction, Botox and bullshit no matter who you vote for. However, that doesn’t mean that there won’t be political candidates from time to time who stick out from the rest of the devils as even worse than the average soulless politician. That’s the case with all-around piece of shit Robert Ransdell, a write-in candidate for U.S. Senate whose past credentials include being a member of some tiny penis white supremacy group called the National Alliance that no one cares about. Ransdell’s platform includes campaigning with signs warning voters that, “With Jews We Lose.” Fortunately, John Marx, a local bagel shop owner, is taking a stand. In response to Ransdell’s racist campaign platform, Marx (who is Catholic) will be donating a bunch of challah (which Ransdell would probz call “Jew bread”) and sharing his belief that, “If it wasn’t for Jews, we’d have no Christianity … no Christian should be anti-Semitic.” Marx also went on to explain that giving away bread and preaching tolerance in Kentucky is probably easier than fitting a slogan like “With a racist hillbilly, you get all willy-nilly” on an easily readable placard.

When you’re drunk and your phone is unlocked, things happen

It sucks that we’re entirely dependent on digital communication. Long gone are the days of having any illusion of privacy, and it’s kind of our fault. Take, for example, the case of Kenton County Airport Board Chairman Jim Huff, who accidentally dialed his secretary while talking some shit back in 2012. Part of the conversation that his secretary recorded included Huff scheming on how to demote Cincinnati/Northern Kentucky International Airport’s Chief Executive Officer Candace McGraw or get her to quit. Huff then stupidly tried to sue his secretary for wiretapping, even though he’s the dumbass who called her. U.S. District Court Judge David Bunning dismissed the suit brought by Huff and his wife because the secretary was under no obligation to hang up. Judge Bunning also ruled that jurors and everyone else in the courtroom should start referring to “pocket dialing” as “butt dialing” from now on because it’s way funnier.

And then I said to Geoffrey, “That’s not a robber; that’s my butler!”

The very rich are fond of complaining, as readers of The Cincinnati Enquirer found out while perusing the paper’s recent puff-piece to serve the interests of the Indian Hill crowd. It seems that some whiny family recently paid $1.2 million for a five-bedroom house with a game room and pool — then got all upset and wanted to not buy the house (even though they signed an agreement) after they learned (gasp!) that a convicted criminal lived in their neighborhood. A man in the neighborhood was convicted of attempted murder a decade ago, and now the rich family is accusing broker Sibcy Cline of fraud and breach of fiduciary duty. Then, because they’re rich, the family hired a pilot to fly a “Shame on You Sibcy Cline” banner over the Western & Southern Open tennis tournament in Mason, which Sibcy Cline was a sponsor of. Real estate lawyers for Sibcy Cline have noted that if the attempted murderer wasn’t white and from Indian Hill he probably would have gotten a way longer prison sentence and this wouldn’t be an issue. The family is hoping to establish a legal precedent stating that super-rich people who no one can empathize with should be allowed to live around other rich people and never have to see a criminal unless they’re watching CSI while seated in their expansive home theater with leather reclining seats and an old-timey popcorn machine.

Tony Stewart faces no charges for killing another racer, surprising no one

Back in August, NASCAR racer Tony Stewart got all pissed off while racing and revved his engine, running over and killing lesser-known-yet-still-human racer Kevin Ward Jr. in upstate New York. A grand jury decided that Stewart would face no charges for killing the other racer, and Stewart is pretty stoked about it, saying that if he went to jail or retired after Ward’s death that it “would take the life out of me.” Although that’s probably not the best choice of words to describe the situation created by you running someone over, it does confirm that this is America, where if you make a shit-ton more money than the person you ran over and killed in a fit of rage, some podunk hamlet’s prosecutor will blame the victim and reason that it was his fault for being a victim of vehicular homicide because drug tests reveal that he had marijuana in his system on the day he died.

Have you heard that Derek Jeter retired and that he is the best person of all time?

Derek Jeter. Derek Jeter. Derek Jeter. The longtime New York Yankees shortstop retired this week after many great seasons of baseball, and some not-so-great ones where he should have admitted he was too old to play shortstop and let a younger, more agile player take his place while he shifted to second base. To honor the future Hall-of-Famer, New York City’s Carnegie Deli is introducing a “Derek Jeter Triple Club Sandwich” for $27.99. Similarly to the Yankees, Carnegie plans to keep the celebratory sandwich on the menu for way too long and act like it’s the best thing since sliced bread, when in reality, if it wasn’t New York-based, people would have to admit that there were other sandwiches available that were just as good — if not better — that weren’t ballyhooed and hype-machined like the second coming of Christ, even if they came from a stupid flyover country where no one in their right minds would want to live.

CONTACT ISAAC THORN : [email protected]

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