You Do the Meth

"Strawberry Quick" uses powdered drink mix to give (methamphetamine) a pink coloring. The sweetness of the powder can make meth more palatable and partially masks its harsh chemical taste. "It's

Aug 29, 2007 at 2:06 pm

"Strawberry Quick" uses powdered drink mix to give (methamphetamine) a pink coloring. The sweetness of the powder can make meth more palatable and partially masks its harsh chemical taste. "It's a different spin, like a marketing thing," said William Bryant, assistant special agent in charge of the DEA's office in Little Rock.

— The Associated Press

TO: Distributors and Sales Staff

FROM: Twitch Rogers, VP, Marketing

SUBJECT: New Products/Line Extensions


As the primary point of contact between this organization and the consumer, you know better than anyone that these are challenging times for the methamphetamine industry. Trial is off. Usage is off. Sales are flat. And this past fiscal year, for the first time since crank was brought to market, we lost more of our existing customers to death, incarceration and the competition than we gained through societal disaffection, experimentation and addiction.

Needless to say, should these trends continue, crystal is in danger of being reduced to a niche brand, like PCP, mescaline or hash oil. And if you know any PCP reps, I don't have to tell you how they're struggling to put Doritos and Mountain Dew on the dinner table these days.

That said, I sincerely believe our darkest days are behind us. I believe this because, after months of working closely with the entire management team at corporate headquarters in the Starlight Trailer Court, I've seen first-hand their commitment to, faith in and passion for this product. Starting Sept. 1, you're going to see it, too. Because that's when we roll out the most aggressive, ambitious marketing plan in the history of pharmatrafficking. A plan that'll simply blow you away.

The thrust of our strategy is simple: Establish crank as the industry leader in narcodiversity through the quarterly launch of a succession of exciting new products and line extensions. Each of these is designed to capture additional market share and/or drive increased usage among our existing client base by addressing and surmounting specific barriers to trial, as identified through several rounds of quantitative and qualitative research.

Below, I've outlined the "amphetaminnovations" in the pipeline for the upcoming year. I urge you to familiarize yourselves with them; thorough knowledge of their specific attributes and benefits will allow you to tailor your pitch to individual buyers and overcome sales resistance before it starts. (For more detailed product information, talk to the boys down at the corporate lab. This week, barring any fires or explosions, you'll find it in Room 14 at the Leisure Tyme Motel on State Route 133.) Remember: Together we can win the hearts and noses of America's most vulnerable consumers.

Product: Maximum Speed

Consumer benefit: Put a rush in your hurry.

Description: What Double Stuff Oreos are to Oreos and fortified wine is to wine, Maximum Speed is to methamphetamine. This is supercharged stovetop cooked up with the extreme thrill-seeker in mind. Formulated to deliver nearly three times the normal punch at only twice the cost (introductory pricing). If you have customers who are no longer fired up about their old friend Crystal, it's time they get acquainted with Crystal's cousin, Max.

Product: Quick and the Dead

Consumer benefit: Mix with the rich and famous.

Description: For the first time customers can replace the stars in their eyes for stars up their noses. Quick and the Dead, inspired by Keith Richards' claim to have snorted his father's ashes, is a mix of crank and cremated celebrities. Fame goes straight to one's head. Cremains already obtained for blending include Marlon Brando, Steve McQueen and Janis Joplin, with more to come. Certificate of authentication provided.

Product: Massive Rush

Consumer benefit: Bulk up while getting wound up.

Description: To many of your regulars, the slimming effects of a suppressed appetite and ramped up metabolism are a purchase incentive. But what about the market segment turned off by the emaciated "body by meth?" For them, there's Massive Rush, laced with pharmaceutical grade anabolic steroids. The more they snort or shoot, the more muscle mass they acquire. Adding a new glow of health to the old sheen of perspiration.

Product: SST (Super Silent Tweaking)

Consumer benefit: All the buzz you want, none of the babbling you don't.

Description: Nothing announces to loved ones, the law and the world that someone's "tweaked" like motor mouth. Additionally, the inability to stop one's tongue from flapping often leads to admissions that could result in a meth user's alienation from friends and associates, arrest and/or conviction, even severe beatings. No more. SST contains a light touch, just the right touch, of the tetanus bacteria, giving users a slight case of lockjaw, keeping them safe and sound(less).

In conjunction with these products, we'll also be introducing our new FreakQuent Flier loyalty program. This initiative will give us a competitive edge in today's oversaturated environment, where the average narcotics shopper is overwhelmed by choices, from timeless abusables like pot, coke and smack to "second wave" mindfucks like OxyContin, Vicodin and MDMA.

Overall, the program seeks to build brand loyalty short-term through a "buy 10 hits, get the 11th free" punch card and long-term through the accumulation of Score Points (one point per meth dollar spent), redeemable for gear, paraphernalia and bail. The effort will be supported by point-of-purchase materials and the tagline "Addiction has its rewards."

It all adds up to high times ahead. For everyone concerned.

Keep hustling,


CONTACT BOB WOODIWISS: bwoodiwiss(at) His column appears here the last issue of each month. His book, Keys to Uncomfortable Living, a collection of humorous and satirical essays, is in bookstores now.