WEDNESDAY, NOV. 09
What the fuck happened?! Is this an episode of Black Mirror? Are we living in the Upside Down? Nope? This is real life? OK! Disappointed citizens across the country crashed Canada’s immigration website when it was announced early Wednesday morning that the honey-roasted Scrooge McDuck known as Donald J. Trump had won the 2016 U.S. presidential election. While Hillary Clinton technically garnered more votes, the Electoral College swung in Trump’s favor, harkening back to the 2000 election that gave us George Dubya Bush. Listen, we get that everyone is obsessed with trends of the late ’90s/early Millennium, but there’s a serious line between inflatable furniture and popular vote-losing prezzies. Even the folks behind South Park thought Hill was a shoe-in — Wednesday’s episode, “The Very First Gentleman,” which referred to Bill Clinton, had to be scrapped last-minute and rewritten to reflect Trump’s win via an orange Mr. Garrison with running mate Caitlyn Jenner. But if you think this is the last you’ll hear of Clinton — it’s over, she lost and now she’ll fade into a distant memory as she takes up scrapbooking and nurses her long-neglected secret illnesses — think again. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Wait ’til her version of Lemonade drops next year.
THURSDAY, NOV. 10
Non-denominational Holiday Season began at Starbucks Thursday, when the coffee giant rolled out its menu of festive beverages and, perhaps more noteworthy, the much-debated annual holiday cups. Last year Starbucks’ minimalist approach to the cups’ design — a simple solid red cup instead of one with vague wintry imagery as in years past — sparked a non-troversy for some calling out a War on Christmas. Perhaps those folks were pleased with the 2016 cups, which feature various artist-submitted hand-drawn decorations like Christmas lights and snowflakes. Or maybe they were just too busy calling downtrodden democrats crybabies to protest the travesty of denying customers a virgin birth scene on a paper cup.
FRIDAY, NOV. 11
At this point in the week, tension across the city and country continued to run high and pretty much everyone was searching for some distraction or relief. Maybe that’s through yoga, maybe that’s calling a mobile masseuse to meet you at a hotel (no judgment). For some, it’s through laughter. Enter comedian Hannibal Buress, who performed at Taft Theatre Friday. After a solid opening act by local comic Brian Million, Buress kicked off his set — his second tour stop since the election — by discussing the incredible notion of The Apprentice host being our president-elect. Not that he loved Hillary — he compared her to a crouton. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ But Buress quickly moved away from politics when he verified the correct spelling of Cincinnati, noting that when he promoted a post on social media advertising the show, he committed the mortal sin of using two Ts and one N, which obviously unleashed a backlash of offended Cincinnatians. He told the audience he’ll work on remedying the spelling problem — once he can find a way to make our downtown less “creepy.”
SATURDAY, NOV. 12
Dave Chappelle hosted Saturday Night Live for the first time this week (yeah, yeah, two comedy items back to back, but we need it), marking his first major TV appearance in years — more than a decade has passed since Chapelle’s Show last aired. In true Chappelle fashion, Dave dropped some truth about the election and overall social climate of the States, called out white liberals on their ignorance and gave fans a fitting tribute to not only an iconic recent scene from The Walking Dead, but also some of his most well-known characters from Chappelle’s Show. He even gave a shout-out to his hometown of Cincy (he lives in Yellow Springs)… by referencing Harambe. It’s fine.
SUNDAY, NOV. 13
Ten years ago, BBC unveiled one of the most ambitious nature documentary series ever. Planet Earth was super expensive to make, the first of its kind to be shot in high definition, and it took five years to complete. Now, Planet Earth II has hit the U.K. (it airs on BBC America early next year). Shot in ultra high-def 4K, the series gives a stunning look at animals and their habitats on mountains and islands, in jungles, deserts and beyond. In an intense clip from this season that’s gone viral, a baby iguana emerges from the sand in its very first moments of life only to be chased by an especially terrifying fleet of synchronized snakes. We can only assume this is where all the reptiles ended up when they were ejected mid-air at the end of Snakes on a Plane (spoiler alert).
MONDAY, NOV. 14
Stargazers witnessed the biggest, brightest full moon since 1948 on Monday. The “supermoon” happens when the moon reaches the closest point to Earth in its orbit and is then poorly captured by insufficient camera phones in photos that are shared anyway.
TUESDAY, NOV. 15
The Mannequin Challenge is the latest participatory video trend the government has created to distract us from our reality to achieve meme status. Started by a group of high school students in Jacksonville, Fla., the challenge calls on people to create a scene, holding still in various positions as someone records it, moving from person to person. It sounds like someone taking a video of people posing for a picture (lame), but, when done well, it looks like a bunch of frozen hosts from Westworld (cool?). The challenge has been taken on by everyone from the Cincinnati Ballet to Michelle Obama and LeBron James to the Maury show to Paul McCartney (which was weird because he was alone in the video and unfair because he is a living mannequin) — it was even in the delivery room where Rob Kardashian and Blac Chyna prepped to welcome the newest Lardashian (typo but it stays), Dream Renee. Because when you’re brought into the world via a social media challenge video, it can only go up from there.
CONTACT T.C. BRITTON: letters@citybeat.com
This article appears in Nov 16-23, 2016.
