Local Teacher Uses Racially Charged Humor to Make Pupils Hate Math Early On
Calculators were invented long ago because humans realized that math is stupid. Once our species figured out how to handle our numbers-related needs by pushing a few buttons rather than using brain power and discipline to do so on our own, we freed up additional memory capacity to focus more on reality television and celebrity gossip. Fortunately for local grade-school students, the way math is being taught these days is so laughably inappropriate that arithmetic is unlikely to make a hipster-comeback like ugly glasses and tight jeans and other stupid things from the past have. A fourth-grade teacher at North Avondale reportedly opted to include references to food stamps and liquor in a recent math test last week, underscoring how pointless counting things is. Cincinnati Public Schools has responded to this wildly inappropriate teaching method by saying it might invoke disciplinary action over this curriculum snafu. Even if no action is taken against the instructor who thought liquor and food stamps were good examples to work with on a math test for children, CPS vows to urge schools to instill an appreciation of mathematics in young kids, before they grow up and realize that numbers mostly exist to quantify exactly how poor you are and how much more you weigh than you used to.
Former NFL Players Teach Younger Generation How to Best Cover Up Lives of Crime
The NFL is a sports league that has taken the simple sport of football and turned it into something that matters way too much. Spearheaded by infallible and power-hungry commissioner Roger Goodell, the game has morphed into some crazy hyper-national Support the Troops bullshit, which longtime fans have a tougher and tougher time recognizing as the game they grew up watching. Although the league has grown exponentially in recent years, it has also faced scrutiny because NFL players are often arrested for gun crimes, beating up people of both genders and drugs. In response to the public outcry over league members killing more people than the ebola outbreak (if Patriots tight end/convicted murderer Aaron Hernandez keeps getting in jail fights, that number could soon increase) and generally behaving in an illegal and unsavory manner, the NFL took it upon itself a few years ago to host a symposium for rookies where ex-players schooled the new guys on how to not make the same mistakes they did. Problem is, instead of instructing the young guys on ways to not commit crimes, last year’s event featured ESPN analyst Cris Carter and serial arrestee Warren Sapp, with Carter offering the following sage advice: “In case y’all not going to decide to do the right thing, if y’all got a crew, you got to have a fall guy in the crew.” Some people who like the NFL less and less each year note that it’s kind of messed up to instruct young men on how to pin their crimes on their friends, though the league noted that many rookies were already being responsible and adjusting any social media privacy settings after seeing the media reaction to the Ray Rice fiancé elevator-beating video.
Drones Full of Things Americans Can’t Get Enough of Complicate Matters at Prisons
For the second time this month, authorities have had to scramble to thwart drone deliveries of contraband inside the walls of prisons where an insanely high percentage of the American populace dwells. This time, two men were arrested after their drone carrying drugs, a loaded handgun and pornographic materials into a Maryland prison was intercepted. Prison officials are worried that these delivery attempts will increase in frequency since they are not easily stopped — the drones are pretty quiet and the people controlling them are very sneaky. Meanwhile, non-incarcerated Americans have expressed interest in figuring out how to arrange such delivery systems to their residences, since such a time-saving service would require them to leave their houses way less often.
Hillary Clinton Only Getting Attention for the Bad Stuff She’s Done with Emails over the Years
Hillary Clinton represents more of the same to the American people, a member of the landed aristocracy who is going to push more of the same policies that have gotten us to where we are now. She is also one of those people who get to play by a different set of standards because of their membership in the class or ruling elite who call the shots in this country. The ongoing email scandal regarding her practice of improperly and probably illegally storing government emails on an unsecured home server (many containing top-secret information) would have likely earned others espionage charges by now. Furthermore, former State Department officials have come out this week describing Clinton’s insistence that she didn’t know some of the emails contained top-secret info as impossible, with retired Army Col. Larry Mrozinski going so far as to say “that’s total BS … it’s hard to imagine that in her position she would fail to recognize the obvious.” Many believe Clinton deserves to face further scrutiny for storing as many as 305 classified emails on an unsecured server, but she would like the public to know that although she potentially could have given away the location of undercover operatives overseas, she has passed along every chain email she’s ever received that promised to cause the death of others if not shared with at least 10 of her friends immediately.
CONTACT ISAAC THORN: letters@citybeat.com
This article appears in Aug 26 – Sep 1, 2015.