No Longer Burdened by Guilt From Being Overpaid by Millions, Ex-Kroger CEO Opens Up
Kroger is a nice place to get groceries, even if they hold off on renovating stores where middle-class to wealthy white people don’t make up the majority of the neighborhood’s populace — there’s good and bad in all of us, after all. What they may lack in caring for certain socioeconomic demographics, they more than make up for in CEO pay. Kroger chairman and former CEO David Dillon recently opened up while at the Aspen Ideas Festival panel, keeping it realer than most would by stating that his $12.8 million pay package in 2013 was “ludicrous.” Here, in good old Cincinnati, Dillon wasn’t even the highest-paid CEO, that would be the dude running P&G, who shouldn’t even count because they earn their compensation by going above and beyond, willing to render any of god’s creatures extinct in order to offer customers overpriced cleaning and beauty products. Although Dillon’s pay was in the bottom 25 percent among CEOs at rival companies, he still described his pay as “pretty damn high.” In order to address this issue, Kroger has offered to let Dillon spend a few summers sweating his ass off corralling carts in the parking lot while making chump change like younger employees if it would make him feel more at peace about things.
Football Spokespeople Fail to Prevent Widespread Time Warner Service Disruption
Life is set up so that your tech and energy suppliers are all inept, immoral and outrageously priced. Time Warner is a great example of this. For a decent amount of time last week, their customers were without access to reality programming and cat videos because of what Time Warner vaguely described as “an issue with our Internet backbone,” which disrupted Internet and On Demand services. The average layperson wouldn’t know exactly where to dig to find this Internet backbone, which has led to several conspiracy theories. Chiefly among them are two scenarios which could have caused the service outage: 1) The company spent too much money hiring ex-slobbering football coach Bill Cowher to appear in an incessant stream of commercials where he shows up and schools people as if he would even know how to sync a printer up to a desktop computer and 2) The outage could have been caused by Time Warner using too much bandwidth on their end by having customer service representatives calling existing customers over and over again to try to get them to bundle home phone service as if the year wasn’t 2014 and people have any use for home phones besides receiving collect calls from friends in jail.
Mitch McConnell’s Campaign Manager Resigns, Mitch Now Unsure When to Do Creepy Smile
There’s a natural progression to this week’s column thus far. After covering mega-corporations and cable providers, it makes perfect sense to leapfrog to a more traditional kind of detestable entity — the politician. Sen. Mitch McConnell’s campaign manager, Jesse Benton, resigned this week after reports surfaced about his role in a political scandal in Iowa, where Sen. Kent Sorenson admitted to being paid to switch his endorsement from one nutball (Rep. Michele Bachmann) to another (Rep. Ron Paul). Although Benton resigned, McConnell’s campaign moved to distance itself from the scandal, noting that Iowa is in a different state than Kentucky. A spokesperson for the senator admitted that the situation looked kinda bad but said it was nowhere near as difficult as filming McConnell’s last TV ad because the citizens testifying on his behalf were so dumb he had to explain why it’s better for them to not have insurance about five times each.
Kentucky Keeps Its Priorities Straight, Focuses Investigation on Prize-Winning State Fair Pie
In a state whose economy largely consists of the sale of cigarettes, whiskey, pills and University of Kentucky apparel, it’s important to uphold the law. That’s why Kentucky State Fair officials are preparing a Kenneth Starr-style investigation to determine whether or not the 67-year-old retired factory worker/baker of this year’s prize-winning buttermilk pie used a store-bought crust, like Benedict Arnold would have if he was into baking contests. The winner slipped up by talking to the snakes in the press, divulging that, “This year, I used a Pillsbury pie crust.” All the people whose pies tasted like shit on a shingle compared to hers, along with other hater attendees, started pitching a fit, and now officials will interrogate this poor old lady to see if they can somehow take back her blue ribbon. Steve Lee, superintendent of the state fair’s culinary department, snidely noted that, “If we award her a first place ribbon for a pie crust that Pillsbury made, we would have to give the ribbon to Pillsbury,” adding, “State Fair culinary competition management takes matters such as this very seriously.” Lee promised to stay focused on this issue, noting that this is way more important than when a bunch of godless liberal morons get upset by Kentucky’s plans to fund the Creation Museum, Noah’s Ark and whatever other biblically relevant attractions strikes their fancy.
CeeLo Green Says You Can’t Rape a Person if They are Passed Out; Now No One Likes Him
It used to be easier to be a truly awful person because it would take a long time for people to tell enough other people about the dickish things you did for many people to really know. For instance, if someone tells their friend Randy, “Oh my god, Randy, Terry said that it’s OK to rape a woman if she’s passed out!,” the only people who would know about it any time soon are Randy and whoever else he tells. Thankfully, with the advent of technology that keeps us under the thumb and watchful eye of our benevolent power structures and overseers, it is now possible to preserve the stupid things that people think and write until the end of time. That’s what CeeLo Green found out after pleading no contest to some deeply troubling sex crime charges and then tweeting about it and sharing insightful analysis on when it is OK to rape someone, noting that, “People who have really been raped REMEMBER!!!” and, “If someone is passed out they’re not even WITH you consciously! so WITH Implies consent.” These recent events have made the artist’s hit song “Fuck You” make more sense now that everyone knows CeeLo is a creep whose dinner conversation is probably half as engaging as the nonsensical tweets he uses to defend himself.
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This article appears in Sep 3-9, 2014.