The Worst Decisions You Can Make in Cincinnati

Wearing a Steelers jersey on game day (or ever) We don’t care if you grew up a Steelers fan or you’re from Pittsburgh or if you’re Kenny Pickett’s cousin. Cincinnati is strictly Who Dey Country and openly being a fan of one of the Bengals’ biggest rivals is a cardinal sin. Take that off before we take it off for you. Photo: daveynin/Wikimedia Commons

Trying to ride a bike anywhere The infrastructure just isn’t there and the drivers in Cincinnati are careless at best and callous at worst when it comes to bicyclists. Not to mention all the debris in the roads. Turn around and go home before you get pancaked. Photo: Madeline Fening

See (and Hear) a Concert from the Lawn at Riverbend Riverbend Music Center has made it easier than ever to see live music from the lawn seats. In 2019, the venue removed the support beam towers that have been part of the pavilion structure since its original construction in 1984. “Over the years we have received feedback from patrons that they loved being on the lawn for concerts, but wished the sightlines were better. So we listened and now every spot on the lawn has an unobstructed view of the stage,” said Rosemarie Moehring, director of marketing. Lawn seats are cheaper than pavilion seats, and for big concerts — like Jimmy Buffett’s annual pilgrimage to see his Queen City Parrotheads — it’s where the party’s at. It also makes it easier to access the bathrooms, beer lines and the exit when you want to leave. Riverbend Music Center, 6295 Kellogg Ave., California, riverbend.org. Photo: Mark Byron Photo: Mark Byron

Trying to get from the West Side to the Brent Spence Bridge The Brent Spence Bridge isn’t fun for anyone, but there’s one on-ramp that is particularly sucky. If you’re trying to go to Kentucky from Cincinnati’s western neighborhoods, chances are you’re taking US 50 east to the I-71/75 exit and onto the bridge. Not only do you have to merge from the left with very obstructed views, you have approximately a second to do so, and the other drivers do. not. care. about you. If you want to save yourself the anxiety, take the extra time to get on I-71/75 south from another ramp or cross one of the downtown bridges into Covington or Newport. Or just never go to Kentucky. Problem solved. Photo: Google Maps

The Kenwood Mall The Kenwood Mall is always busy, but during the holiday season parking is an especially hot commodity. Photo: Google Maps

“Your mom catches more balls than Ja’Marr Chase.” Photo: twitter.com/bengals

Visit the Foodie Amusement Park That Is Jungle Jim’s International Market Free to wander Jungle Jim’s is an amusement park for foodies, and not just because of its kitschy statues and animatronics. It sells nearly 1,000 different kinds of hot sauce, which makes the Aisle of Inferno (as it’s so dubbed) “the largest retail selection in the United States.” It’s pretty hard to miss — it’s the one with the giant fire truck on top of it. Stop by the bar to grab a glass of wine or a beer while you wander and indulge in several cheese samples. Or, grab ingredients to make a meal together. 5440 Dixie Highway, Fairfield. Photo: Hailey Bollinger

Not being near a bathroom at Oktoberfest It’s all fun and games and Chicken Dances until that beer you rented is ready to be returned. Sure, Porta-Potties are gross no matter how drunk you are, but peeing your pants in public isn’t cool, despite what Billy Madison has told us. Photo: Oktoberfest Zinzinnati

Trying to buy a house in this market Remember when you could buy a nice three-bedroom home in Cincinnati for under $200,000 and still be close to all your friends, family and work? Maybe you could even find one in a walkable neighborhood? Pepperidge Farm remembers. Unfortunately, those days are gone and now you’ll be competing with 10 other people and a handful of real estate investment companies for a $250,000 (starting price, plan to go at least $50K over that), two-bedroom Cape Cod with a leaky roof and rooms that haven’t been updated since the ‘70s. Photo: Robinson Sotheby's International Realty

Not using the Cincinnati Public Library for free passes to stuff If you have a Cincinnati Public Library card, you could be sleeping on one of the coolest benefits (apart from having thousands of free books right at your fingertips, of course). The library’s Discovery Pass allows cardholders in good standing the chance to explore some of Cincinnati’s arts, cultural and recreational attractions for free. Passes include admission to special exhibits at the Cincinnati Art Museum, the American Sign Museum, Pyramid Sculpture Park, the Cincinnati Museum Center and more. All you have to do is check out a pass on the library’s online reservation site. Passes are available once every 30 days per customer. Photo: Hailey Bollinger

Going downtown without a parking plan for any big event Going into the parking situation downtown or at The Banks for a game or big event like Oktoberfest and Taste of Cincinnati requires a plan. Because if you just go right to the heart of the crowds, you’re going to get stuck. Save yourself the frustration: Park in Over-the-Rhine and take the streetcar down instead, or cross the Big Mac Bridge into Newport, park at the Levee and walk over the Purple People Bridge. There will be fewer people, you’ll get your steps in and you can enjoy the views of Cincinnati along the way. Photo: Ron Valle

Ohio Renaissance Festival’s Viking Weekend | Oct. 8-9 Photo: Aidan Mahoney

Fiona, 2022 Photo: facebook.com/Cincinnati Zoo & Botanical Garden via Michelle Peters

You will get a fancy overpriced cocktail somewhere in Over-the-Rhine. Photo: twitter.com/OTRCINCY

Skyline Chili Coneys and 3-Ways Photo: Provided by Skyline Chili

A Pothole Raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimized by one of Cincinnati’s biggest frustrations. Photo: DDohler, Flickr Creative Commons

Taking a dip in the Ohio River No number of good-quality water reports or organized swims will be enough for us to even put our toe in that thing. Photo: Provided by Great Ohio River Swim

Not checking the intersection before going on green For some reason, since the pandemic, a lot of Cincinnatians seem to think red lights are just suggestions. It obviously wouldn’t be your fault if you got T-boned while going through a green light, but we still advise you to look both ways before hitting the gas. Photo: Eliobed Suarez/Unsplash

Going to Newport Pavilion for anything It’s just not worth it. There are other Targets, Krogers, Starbucks and variety chain stores and restaurants out there you can get to without having five cars coming at you from different angles all at once. Photo: Google Maps

Trying to drive on the hills in the snow No, it’s not the other drivers who are the problem — well, it probably is them too — but you also do not know how to drive in the snow, especially on Cincinnati’s hills. Major snow accumulation doesn’t happen here often enough for most of us to develop that kind of skill. But, if you must drive in the snow remember to stop at the bottom of the hill and wait for the person in front of you to make it to the top first or you’re gonna have a bad time. Photo: Hailey Bollinger

Glier’s Goettafest July 31, 2022 Photo: Sean M. Peters

A Happening with Pablo at the Cincinnati Art Museum 6-11p.m. June 23 Be one of the first to experience the brand new exhibit Picasso Landscapes: Out of Bounds. Take in this exciting new piece while enjoying an immersive experience that includes music from the Bluewater Kings Band, cocktails and rare menu items, both inside and outside in the Alice Bimel Courtyard. Proceeds will go to youth and family programs and thousands of free public programs both in the museum and the Greater Cincinnati area. 6-11p.m. June 23. 953 Eden Park Drive, Walnut Hills. cincinnatiartmuseum.org. Photo: facebook.com/cincinnatiartmuseum