Charlie's Corner: 100 Meter Bong Hit

On a cool November night, a glorious freedom-leading individual raised a bong to his lips at a USC party and proceeded to inhale the silly smoke into his dolphin like lungs. As he exhaled after listening to "Battery" by Metallica from start to finish, his eyes watered up and he wondered how weird it would be to actually race a shark on his turf, an Olympic sized swimming pool. Michael Phelps, our beloved Beijing hero and winner of Count Von Count's favorite number, eight gold medals, has admitted to taking some hits off "Cannon Bong Splashington" while getting wild at a college party.—-

As the news was announced at least 35 bald eagles dropped dead of broken hearts. The America name that stood strong for 233 years has finally been tarnished. A professional athlete, international icon and rocking sexy body all-American has torn down our flag, laid it on the ground, filled it with marijuana, rolled it up and smoked it. The shame this man must fee for smashing the Americans image, must be horrible. As the guilt weighs on his shoulders he will certainly drown at the bottom of his gold plated pool.

Phelps has apologized about his childish decision-making, blaming it on a Chinese man that tricked him into breathing in the "egg, ham and cheese" smoke, which was supposed to be a meal substitute. He then cursed the Chinese and told of their Olympic 2012 plot to destroy him and win every single medal next time around. He swore the "inhalecident" would never happen again. I wonder if he reused the same apology statement from his DUI charge in 2004. We can only hope that in London he doesn't roll up in a smoking Winnebago with Amy Winehouse behind the wheel. Stepping out asking people if they would like to purchase some "golden medallions."

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