WEDNESDAY, AUG. 23
Chuck E. Cheese has begun phasing out its longtime house band, the Pizza Time Players. Comprised of Chuck the rat, Grimace wannabe Mr. Munch, Helen Henny the chicken, hound dog Jasper T. Jowls and the somewhat culturally insensitive pizza chef Pasqually P. Pieplate, the animatronic band has been an act since Chuck E. Cheese opened its first Pizza Time Theatre in 1977. We’re still haunted by the Pizza Time Players’ lifeless gaze, robotic movements and that loud clunking sound every time they blinked, but it does mark the end of an era. Certain locations have begun replacing the characters with a light-up disco dance floor, where kids can interact with the “real” Chuck (and no, that’s not a reference to the dead mouse allegedly found in a California location this week). So pour one out for the PTP — most Chuck E. Cheeses do serve beer, BTW. At least they’re saving countless children from disturbing animatronic nightmares for years to come.
THURSDAY, AUG. 24
Taylor Swift is back. After a year that included feuds with Kanye, Kim and Katy, a legal battle against an alleged groper and speculation that she avoided paparazzi by hiding in a suitcase, Swift announced a new album, Reputation, with hints, singles and videos dropping this week. But this is not the “old” Taylor, whatever that means, because as she says in her first single, “Look What You Made Me Do,” she’s dead. Judging by the song, New Taylor is ~edgy~ but like a 15-year-old who paints her nails black for the first time tries her hand at angsty spoken-word poetry desperately trying to seem self-aware. As usual, her music hits us over the head with an obvious theme and reads like a bunch of diary entries, with thinly veiled references to the Kardashian-Wests — Reputation is out Nov. 10, the 10-year anniversary of West’s mom’s death… WOOF — a costume that made her look exactly like nemesis Katy Perry and some visuals that look vaguely similar to Beyoncé’s Lemonade (cue #MayonnaiseInMyBagSwag). Curiously, the song does not acknowledge her noted silence on issues like the election, Black Lives Matter movement, Women’s March or anything more controversial than the topic of unicorn rights. But dammit, it’s an earworm and it’s been stuck in our head for days — thanks in part to ’90s Europop kings Right Said Fred. That’s right: “LWYMMD” samples the “I’m Too Sexy” melody and the band received writing credit.
FRIDAY, AUG. 25
Since apparently it’s the ’90s again, Shania Twain was in the news this week. The original Country-Pop goddess (yeah, you heard that, T-Swift) celebrated her 52nd birthday while the recording of her song “That Don’t Impress Me Much” turned 20. Another 20th anniversary: Brad Pitt’s appearance in the August 1997 issue of Playgirl. In fact, it’s all related. Twain told Billboard this week that the line, “OK, so you’re Brad Pitt? That don’t impress me much,” stems from the hunk’s Playgirl spread, which included nude photos snapped without his consent. Pitt sued the publication and the issue was pulled, but even in the pre-TMZ days that shit leaked to the public. Twain apparently didn’t get all this fuss over Pitt’s dingaling, started writing about it and a hit was born!
SATURDAY, AUG. 26
Undefeated boxer Floyd Mayweather took on Irish MMA fighter Conor McGregor in a widely hyped showdown this weekend. We’re not the most well-versed in combat sport, but the egos, shit-talking and FASHUN made for an enjoyable spectacle for all. Preliminary fights featured lots of gold lamé, a grill-style mouth guard and a blue fur-lines ensemble. As for the main event, Mayweather entered in a ski mask while McGregor remained in a suit until the very last minute (we hope it was a tear-away). As for the fight, underdog McGregor performed better than expected until a blink-and-you-miss-it “technical knockout” in the 10th round. Aren’t they supposed to go until one is pummeled to the ground? We want our hundred bucks back!
SUNDAY, AUG. 27
The MTV Video Music Awards coincided with the season finale of Game of Thrones Sunday and, really, the Venn diagram of those programs overlapped quite a bit. Kendrick Lamar’s performance featured climbers on a wall of fire (instead of ice); Ed Sheeran followed his Season 7 cameo with a VMA for Artist of the Year; host Katy Perry dressed as Daenerys… OK, that’s about it.
Elsewhere, MTV continued to try and prove it’s the wokest network in the world by changing the Moonman award to a gender-neutral Moon Person (yeah OK), honoring transgender troops (actually cool) and inviting Confederate General Robert E. Lee’s descendant to the show. Wait, wut? Rev. Robert Wright Lee IV spoke against white supremacy, racism and hate and in support of movements like BLM, women’s marches and recent counter-protests. He even introduced the mother of Charlottesville victim Heather Heyer, to join in sharing a unifying message.
But the wokeness ended with a tone-deaf Perry dabbing her way through ill-timed jokes about fidget spinners and the fucked up state of our country. ¯\_(..)_/¯
MONDAY, AUG. 28
A full-out wine war has erupted in France after a number of distributors struck a deal to import less expensive booze from Spain, leading local winemakers to revolt. No, seriously — we’re talking masked break-ins, molotov cocktails, the works. They’ve even formed a militant organization made up of anonymous winemakers called Comité Régional d’Action Viticole. Le sigh. The French are so cool, even their guerilla groups sound chic. Can we join the vino vigilante fight?
TUESDAY, AUG. 29
This week in questionable decisions: A Colorado man who claimed he was attacked based on his Neo-Nazi haircut actually stabbed himself; James Cameron says Wonder Woman is a “step backwards,” suggesting he handles feminist film better; Savannah Guthrie swaddled Matt Lauer like a giant baby burrito on Today; Jon and Kate (of Plus Eight infamy) are STILL FIGHTING; and celebrity televangelist Joel Osteen is under fire for not opening his mega-church to victims of Tropical Storm Harvey.
CONTACT T.C. BRITTON: letters@citybeat.com
This article appears in Aug 30 – Sep 6, 2017.