New Fam, Who Dis?
Last year, a Mesa, Ariz., woman trying to text her family Thanksgiving dinner details accidentally included a wrong number in a group chat. That unknowing recipient, a Phoenix teen named Jamal, had a little fun with her, asking who she was and to send a photo. When she told him she was his grandma and included a pic, he sent one back explaining that he was definitely not her grandson, but asked, “Can I still get a plate tho?” “Grandma” Wanda happily obliged, and the text exchange went viral. They even made real plans to meet up! Unsolicited texts between strangers never worked out so well. Well, it turns out 2017 isn’t completely horrible because Wanda and Jamal reunited for Thanksgiving this year, too. Jamal, now 18 and working as a butcher, even carved the turkey. “She contacts me a lot,” he said of Wanda to BuzzFeed. “As a grandma would. She’s very sweet.” The two plan to get together for Christmas, too. And with that, I’m more emotionally invested in these two than any people I actually know. Moving on!
Anti-Gay Rally Features Colorful Flag Dance
Anti-LGBTQ hate group MassResistance’s Texas chapter recently hosted a “Teens4Truth” conference in Fort Worth, because teens don’t already have enough issues in their complicated lives and need to be warned of the dangers gay people present. OK. One clip from the event, which focused on the “LGBT agenda” in schools, is gaining attention for what organizers would certainly deem all the wrong reasons. With little context, a seemingly bewildered organizer introduces Derek Paul to present a “song thing,” which is one way to describe this interpretive dance with colorful flags set to Christian Rock. Derek’s white man uniform of a button-up, slacks and socks somehow added to the spectacle, which featured bright multicolored butterfly wing-esque banners that Paul flung about to lyrics like, “love keeps no record of wrong.” If you’ve ever seen the Chris Lilley character Mr. G in Summer Heights High, you have an idea of what this performance-art fuckery looked like. I’d praise the dude for epically trolling the hate group, but Paul is reportedly one of those “pray the gay away” minister types who identifies as an “ex-gay” man. Sad!
Lena Dunham Apologizes
You’ve heard this one before, right? Girls star Lena Dunham is always making statements: about political issues, her body, her dog who she had to give away. But half of her messages tend to be apologizing for something she previously said or did. It’s the epitome of privilege: She uses her wide-reaching platform to share an opinion or experience, often in a one-sided cringey way (like when she defended a Girls writer accused of rape last week), then sweeps it under the rug when it goes over like a lead balloon (like when she apologized for publicly defending him the next day). Oh Lena. Aussie creative Jess Wheeler created the Twitter account @LenaDunhamApols to share hypothetical situations for which the writer/director/actress may need to say sorry. They’re brilliant. Here’s a taste:
• Lena Dunham Apologizes For Live Monologue About What Is Effectively A White Ethno-State At Burning Man
• Lena Dunham Apologizes For Opening A Tupac Themed Frozen Yogurt Shop In Williamsburg Called ‘Yotorious BIG’ To Her Black Uber Driver
• Lena Dunham Apologizes For Eating Subway With Jared While Standing On An Native American Burial Ground
In the meantime, let’s show some love to another young multihyphenate in Hollywood named Lena, Emmy winning writer, Master of None star and co-creator of Showtime’s upcoming series The Chi, Lena Waithe. Whenever you’re annoyed by a Dunham social media post, cleanse your palate with one from Waithe.
Post-Thanksgiving Shopping Trends
Holiday shopping mania begins after (and now during) Thanksgiving, and Americans continued to drop a ton of cash during this long weekend. Lots of big-box retailers opened on Thursday afternoon in an effort to get more people off the computer and into a store, although there was a slight drop in in-person purchases. Of course there’s less shopping in stores. We are lazy and don’t want to communicate with other humans whenever possible (I recently bought shampoo on Amazon just so I didn’t have to put on pants), especially after the family trauma that is a major holiday. Since Black Friday deals are now also widely available online as early as Thursday through Monday, can we come up with a new name for Cyber Monday? Maybe Blue Monday, since we’re all sad to be at work and compensating by secretly online shopping at our desks? Anything would be better than using the antiquated term “cyber,” which I’m pretty sure 80 percent of people equate with “Wanna cyber?” aka The ’90s version of sexting. A/S/L, anyone?
Steve Harvey Returns to Miss Universe — Again
Most of us would get fired if we monumentally fucked up at work and yet here’s the abundantly overemployed Steve Harvey hosting Miss Universe yet again! His flub at the end of the 2015 show is the only reason most of us have any awareness of the pageant, so they’re probably forever indebted to him and his hypnotic moustache.Harvey was in prime form. He referred to each contestant by just their country, which somehow felt more problematic than a Miss prefix. Any time a contestant discussed her education, career or country, his face went blank and he’d say something along the lines of, “I have no idea what that is!” several times. (That’s not to say I’m an internationally informed individual. I learned about the existence of no less than three countries from watching this mess.) It was kind of funny when Miss Thailand referred to Harvey by only his last name (everyone else called him Steve), because you know she was probably primed on the creepy behavior of men in Hollywood and the name was fresh in her head. In the end, Harvey did not fuck up the big winner announcement this time (though he did make about 15 La La Land Oscar jokes, which was just as bad). South Africa’s Demi-Leigh Nel-Peters was crowned Miss Universe, with Colombia’s Laura Gonzalez as runner-up. Yet again, another earthling reigns over the universe. When will the competition exemplify true diversity and inclusion by featuring alien lifeforms?
This Week in Questionable Decisions…
1. Donald Trump Jr.’s Thanksgiving conversation-starter advice included riveting facts on the economy, most of which resulted from Barack Obama’s terms, not his daddy’s.
2. Reading Rainbow’s LeVar Burton got Twitter hate from people who thought he was LiAngelo Ball’s dad/Trump Enemy No. 1 LaVar Ball. (They’re not the same person.)
3. A couple that really loves endless breadsticks announced they’re naming their daughter Olivia Garton after the Italian(?) restaurant chain Olive Garden.
4. The New York Times profiled a “nazi sympathizer next door,” and, curiously, people were a bit disappointed. Also, he’s from Ohio.
5. Trump claimed he turned down Time’s Person of the Year aka MAN of the Year (#neverforget), which the magazine denied.
6. Sarah Huckabee Sanders might have posted a stock pie photo, claiming it was her own baked creation.
7. Superman actor Henry Cavill’s mustache had to be digitally removed for Justice League. It was expensive and it’s very obvious.
Contact T.C. Britton: letters@citybeat.com
This article appears in Nov 22-29, 2017.