WEDNESDAY, OCT. 26
With just days until the presidential election Nov. 8 (or 28, depending on who you ask), we’re all being schooled in voting no-nos, courtesy of ballot box selfies. Justin Timberlake joined some 22 million other Americans in early voting, taking time off from promoting that terrible Trolls movie (damn creatures look nothing like the beloved, bejeweled dolls from the ’90s ’60s) to visit his hometown of Memphis, Tenn. and perform his civic duty. Surprised fans snapped pics of Justin outside the local polling location — understandable — but the star’s selfie taken inside the station garnered even more attention, because he posted it on Instagram and that shit is illegal. In the state of Tennessee, it is a misdemeanor crime to take photos or videos inside polling places. Since everyone can agree that there are a lot better uses of resources than trying to take down Timberlake (“Really?” asks @BSBfan4eva), authorities are not investigating the matter, but the crime would be punishable by 30 days in jail and/or a $50 fine. So J.T. better hope that dumb Trolls movie makes him some cash just in case. If you find yourself voting and really needing to document the occasion for posterity or sheer vanity, be sure to know your voter selfie laws. In Ohio, voters are prohibited from allowing their ballots to be seen with the “apparent intention” of announcing who and what they’re voting for. So while, say, a selfie in the voting stall without the ballot visible might be OK, snapping a photo of your humorous write-ins is not. In Kentucky, it’s illegal to record or photograph other voters. But there’s no rule about a voter recording themself, so selfie away! Or just be a reasonable human and don’t.
THURSDAY, OCT. 27
Soon, folks won’t be able to Vine their voting rituals, either. (Do people use “Vine” as a verb? Help?) Not because it’s illegal or even because it’s very stupid — it is — but because the short-form video sharing service is pulling the plug. It was announced Thursday that the mobile app would be discontinued in coming months. Vine was created in June 2012, acquired by Twitter in October of that year and officially launched in January 2013 — facts that make the following excerpt from Vine/Twitter’s announcement even more ridiculous than a five-second loop of a dog dancing to Toto’s “Africa”: “Thank you. Thank you. To all the creators out there — thank you for taking a chance on this app back in the day.” Ahh, 2012 — the good old days, when Mitt Romney was the Republican presidential nominee and the only apocalyptic worries on people’s minds was the possibility of a Mayan-predicted doomsday.
FRIDAY, OCT. 28
Is Bill Murray having the most What a Week! ever? The actor, writer and professional photo-bomber was awarded the annual Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, an honor first given to Richard Pryor in 1998, in a ceremony that aired on PBS Friday. The Chicago Cubs superfan has also been cheering on his team in the World Series, singing “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” as Daffy Duck during Friday’s Seventh Inning Stretch and later celebrating Sunday’s home win. A photo of Murray posing with a woman and her baby in 2012 resurfaced this week, going viral Blue/Black-White/Gold Dress-style when many could not decide whether the photo, featuring Murray imitating the crying baby, was in fact Bill Murray or Tom Hanks. And a group of friends in Nebraska — who have a running tradition of dressing up as various characters played by a single actor — all dressed as different Murray characters for Halloween. Notably absent was Ice Pick, his role in Dumb and Dumber To. #shade
SATURDAY, OCT. 29
Butterfly queen Mariah Carey and billionaire boyfriend James Packer, who proposed to Mimi this past January, have broken up. What’s the saying? “Every time Mariah splits with her man, a unicorn loses its wings?” When most engaged couples break up, the biggest issue is deciding who gets the ring. If Mariah has her way, she will not only keep that 35-carat diamond — she wants severance pay, too! She’s reportedly asking for a $50 million settlement because she moved her family from New York City to Los Angeles for Packer. And if you think about it, she deserves at least that much — Packer proposing with a $10-million ring sounds extravagant, but that’s the equivalent of one of us normos popping the question with a diamond cubic zirconia worth $100. Cheap! On top of that, this means we’re missing out on the amazing spectacle that would have been her third wedding. The American public and world at large are the real losers here.
SUNDAY, OCT. 30
Newport, Ky. native Frank Johnson was in the running to be America’s Next Top Limo Driver… and he won! Apparently the title Most Interesting Man in the World was taken (how dare Dos Equis replace the OG spokesman), because the dude served in the Marines and worked for a decade in a brewery before taking up driving and apparently being amazing at it. Johnson will accept his award for 2016 Limousine & Sedan Chauffeur of the Year by the Taxicab, Limousine & Paratransit Association (TLPA) on Nov. 2.
MONDAY, OCT. 31
Let’s talk about Aftab Pureval. The candidate for Hamilton County Clerk of Courts is making himself known by way of some memorable ads or, as Cleveland Scene puts it, “an Ohio Campaign Commercial That Doesn’t Suck.” The TV spots feature Pureval talking issues as a duck puppet interjects, shouting, “Aftab!” — ala the Aflac Insurance duck. He’s got a Colgate smile, the face of an ethnically ambiguous Ken doll, and while his first name sounds like Aflac, his last name looks like Pure Evil. Sign us up!
TUESDAY, NOV. 1
And since we’re bookending with election highlights, we’ll finish with an important discovery in the Clinton email scandal: Former Attorney General Eric Holder looks exactly like Oprah’s kept man, Steadman. Have we ever seen them in the same room? Send CityBeat photographic evidence through a secure server.
CONTACT T.C. BRITTON: letters@citybeat.com
This article appears in Nov 2-9, 2016.