State Department Advises Ugly Americans to Stay Home and Watch TV on Spring Break
Keeping people safe is likely a rewarding line of work to be in. You get to warn people about things and then blame them if something goes profoundly wrong for those who failed to heed your knowledgeable and well-reasoned decrees. Being part of a government agency with a Twitter account opens up even more possibilities when it comes to dogging on people you’re supposed to be protecting. The Bureau of Consular Affairs recently used its social media outreach to remind its half-million followers that sometimes bad things can happen pretty much anytime, anywhere. “Not a ‘10’ in the US? Then not a 10 overseas,” one tweet reads. “Beware of being lured into buying expensive drinks or worse — being robbed. #springbreakingbadly.” There were probably other ways to share a safety message that didn’t include crushing the dreams of everybody who sometimes thinks that if they went to CVG, had a few beers at Max & Erma’s and then flew to Miami things would be different for at least a few brief moments in their otherwise downtrodden lives. However, as the agency noted, over the past 15 years it’s become hard to come up with new things to tell Americans to be afraid of, so the transition to killing lonely peoples’ travel romance fantasies seemed to be the next logical step.
AP Eggheads Finally Nix Capitalization of ‘Internet’
Everyone except your iPhone and the stupid Associated Press has long known that there is no reason to capitalize the word “internet” because it’s a common noun and the people who decided it should be capitalized decided so at the dawn of the era of mass information, when people were not able to like and share if they agree. Finally, the AP Stylebook (which journalists cite when its guidelines match theirs and ignore in cases where they do not) got with the program last week and gave up on its unpopular stance on the I-word, which has looked out of place in news articles for several years now. This news came as a real feather in the cap for CityBeat Overlord/Editor in Chief Danny Cross, who told close confidants that with this debate concluded he can now resume focusing on ways to use the word “humans” to avoid specifying gender within gathered crowds and coming up with other ways to use that word even though his professors and mentors have been telling his stubborn ass not to for more than a decade.
John Kasich Reportedly Willing to Start Talking about Being ‘On Fleek’ and ‘Swagger’
In a few years, our awful women’s rights eraser/Steelers fan governor, John Kasich, will have receded into the foggy memory of most. Unfortunately, it’s going to take a while longer for Kasich’s long and winding road to obscurity to be traversed. In the meantime, Kasich is attempting to paint himself as a person who is either cool or nice, whichever has a better chance of hitting home with undecided GOP voters during this most-ridiculous election year. Kasich last week in Wisconsin went out on a limb yet again, telling people at a town hall event that he loves a new Justin Bieber song which this columnist has no time or desire to look up or name. After campaigning for weeks on the premise that he is the “positive” candidate — a distinction that hasn’t helped anyone win an election pretty much ever — Kase Dawg went full Jeb during the meeting, telling the crowd how he’ll “be the only Republican candidate in history to play Justin Bieber.” Unsure how the idea was received, Kasich then doubled down and offered to take photos of him planking and do “one or two Harlem Shakes” if polls stopped suggesting America likes Donald Trump more than him.
Sarah Palin’s Astute Take on Refugees Places Blame on Them for Wanting to Live
It is common knowledge that all those idiots from Syria and other dangerous, war-torn countries are putting too bleak a picture on how bad things are in their homelands and risking their families’ lives in un-seaworthy vessels on huge bodies of water simply because they are adventure-seekers at heart. At a dinner in Washington this week, Sarah Palin added another few salient points to the anti-refugee side, remarking: “What the heck are you thinking, candidates? What are you thinking when you’re going ahead and actually asking for more immigrants, illegal immigrants, welcoming them in, even inducing and seducing immigrants with gift baskets of teddy bears and soccer balls?” Palin also noted that Americans know in their heart of hearts that soccer is boring, then discussed her plans to assist Donald Trump with building some sort of “refugee cannon” like the ones at the circus that can shoot people back to their country of origin with the greatest of ease.
Bored with Fucking up the Government, Tea Party Legislators Leave Office
There was a time just a few years ago when the tea party was supposed to matter because its followers loved freedoms and America and being racist while telling people that they were not. Unfortunately, chain smoking at rallies and accomplishing nothing else led to this movement’s decline, as evidenced by the present-day washing out of more than one-third of the Congress members elected during the tea party wave of 2010. Marketing experts point to the tea party’s dependence on waving the “Don’t Tread on Me” flag as a primary reason for the political faction’s decline, noting that most people are deeply afraid of snakes and their soulless faces and would never step on one by purpose or on accident.
CONTACT ISAAC THORN: letters@citybeat.com
This article appears in Apr 6-13, 2016.