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Gays and lesbians aren’t the only people who have long been in the closet because of their sexuality. So have people who enjoy an alternative kind of pleasure: spanking, bondage play and other kinks.
The 10th annual Anything for Love (AFL) weekend is a chance for fetish fans to gather for play and education.
“Anything for Love explores human sexuality and sensuality,” says Teagan Wood (a pseudonym), event coordinator. “It’s an event where people who might feel really inhibited and confused and restricted and guilty can explore without all those negative feelings.”
Safety is one of the three guiding principles — and few rules — of AFL. Wood often repeats the phrase “Safe, Sane and Consensual.” The goal of being spanked, after all, is not injury but pleasure.
“People’s imaginations have come up with this stuff for centuries,” Wood says. “But how do you do it safely, physically and emotionally?”
The people next door
AFL meets April 16-18 with a program that includes workshops such as “Flogging Basics,” “Electricity for Play” and “Understanding Sensory Deprivation and Basic Discipline.”
Other fields of inquiry — erotic poetry and fetish fashions — are less intimidating, and the fetish ball is an elaborate game of dress-up.
But for all the tying up and bossing around in the five-hour “play party,” AFL fosters a sense of community.
“It’s just about a family now,” says Julia Stem of Northern Kentucky, who’s participated every year.
Wood says she’s experienced firsthand the deep caring and affection that’s developed among the participants. Not long after agreeing to coordinate AFL, a health crisis tempted her to give up the job.
“Within a month I had the accident and I was in a wheelchair,” she says. “It was amazing, the outpouring of love and support from across the country. There was such a communal response. I can’t give it up, because this event provides an atmosphere where all these wonderful people can gather and be themselves. I love them. They’re a wonderful community, and they deserve to do this.”
Pixi, a longtime friend who helps coordinate the events, exudes a gentleness that would seem to belie the intensity of the sexual exploration involved at AFL.
“These are people who live next door to you or the doctor or teacher or nurse,” Pixi says.
Indeed, the proceeds from Anything for Love go to charity. Earlier this month Brian B., a longtime participant in AFL, died of cancer.
“In remembrance of Brian B’s life, all proceeds — not just above expenses, but every penny — from this 10th year of Anything For Love will be divided between Columbus Cancer Clinic’s Wellness Community and the Centurions’ Annual Teddy Bear Run (a benefit for AIDS awareness and research),” Wood says.
But how do such compassionate people — feminists yet — reconcile their personal and political values with sexuality that involves deliberate pain?
Role-playing is a big part of alternative sexuality. The fantasy might involve dressing in a French maid’s costume or being suspended naked from a post for others to see.
“A lot of times suspension causes an altered state of consciousness,” Wood says. “A big portion of it is that endorphin rush. If you stroke the body, it brings blood to the surface of the skin, making the body more sensitive to touch with a flogger or a silk scarf.”
Who’s in control?
Interest in bondage and discipline is far more common than acknowledged, according to Pixi, a mother of two. She points to prime-time TV Pop songs — jokes about spanking supermodels on Home Improvement and Ludacris’ song about a girl who likes handcuffs.
“I used to work at a popular retail store that sold handcuffs,” Pixi says. “I couldn’t tell you how many hundreds of pairs of handcuffs we sold in a year.”
About 300 attend AFL each year. Organizers don’t want it larger because they prefer the intimate atmosphere.
“I’ve had to keep it small,” Wood says. “It could easily be double the size it is.”
Participants refer to their play as “power exchange,” namely giving or taking control of a person’s body.
“People have always wanted to explore things they haven’t been able to before,” Pixi says. “Maybe it’s the businesswoman. At work, she’s in charge. At home, she’s the mom. She’s always telling people what to do. In play, maybe she wants someone else to be in charge. Maybe she doesn’t want to decide where to go for dinner. Maybe she even wants someone else to tell her, ‘You need to wear that.’ ”
A psycho-philosophical question arises for those who like spanking and bondage play: Is it better to give or to receive?
“One of the raging debates is who actually has the power in a dominant and submissive role play,” Wood says. “There’s the person who might be handcuffed, and there’s the person with the whip over them. Now it might appear that the person with the whip has the power. But because of ‘Safe, Sane and Consensual,’ the bottom can say at any time, ‘Stop,’ and the dominant has to adhere to that. So, in reality, the submissive has the power.”
Two “dungeon masters” ensure safety during the play session, Wood says.
For Stem, the attraction is both emotional and physical.
“If I’m in a submissive place, I’m handing somebody control over me,” she says. “I’m trusting you to take care of my needs. The best way I can describe it is the endorphins kick in. It might start out to be a little bit of pain, but some of us are wired so that it becomes pleasure for us.”
For more information on ANYTHING FOR LOVE, visit www.anythingforlove.org. The next gathering is April 16-18 at the Ramada Inn in Florence.
This article appears in Mar 24-30, 2004.