Puttin’ Out the Bone

It’s simple. Let gays and lesbians marry. There’s enough hate and bitterness in this world to choke a major city. So if two people want to make a commitment of love, who in her or his right mind would want to stop it?

Well, for one, Gov. Bob Taft and his Republican-controlled legislature. Then there’s President George W. Bush, who proposes a constitutional amendment in order to appease his right wing and win what he thinks will be a close election.

Never mind that Bush’s amendment would never pass. Amending our federal constitution is intentionally complicated, with actions required at both the state and federal levels. That’s to keep impulsive and overly political operatives from mucking up the government with whims they think would serve their political interests. That’s what likely explains Bush’s actions.

On top of that, the rules governing marriage are best left for states to decide.

In the end, all this talk of amending the constitution will unnecessarily divide an already polarized nation.

Friends of Bush and Taft advance rather cheap arguments. One says lesbians and gays will raise dysfunctional children void of traditional American family values. Another says that kids raised by homosexuals will model that behavior and turn into gays and lesbians themselves. A third argument is that gay and lesbian marriages are, well, un-American.

But listen to the experiences of someone who, along with her siblings, were raised by two lesbians. Erinne Kovi Dyer is from Kent, Ohio, not far from the state university made infamous because of the shooting deaths of several students by Ohio National Guardsmen during the height of the Vietnam War. Kent is a progressive place by Ohio standards. It’s a college town with tidy, straight streets, a town square sprinkled with coffee shops, book stores, restaurants and bars and all the influences of people who spend most of their time studying or teaching big ideas.

When Dyer was 10, her biological mom and dad divorced and her mom, with custody, committed herself to a lesbian partner. Erinne and her siblings settled into a home life that was in most ways similar to their friends’. It’s just that they had a couple of loving moms.

“Between the ages of 10 and 16, I didn’t tell anyone,” she says.

She wasn’t quite sure how others would react. But as she progressed through high school and had sleepovers, she became open about her non-traditional upbringing.

As she grew through her teens and into college, she became completely open about her life and those within it whom she loved. Today, at the age of 28, she’s grown into an activist speaking out publicly through an organization called COLAGE (Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere).

Dyer, who blends her time as wife (she is straight), COLAGE spokeswoman and sales representative for a national company, not only believes the fears that some have are unfounded, she also thinks her non-traditional upbringing made her better.

“It made me more accepting of diversity, more accepting of people outside the social norm,” she says. “Our family structure allowed us to put ourselves in others’ shoes.”

What about those arguments the Bush people toss up?

“It’s been my experience, both from my life and some study I did in undergraduate school, that the children of gays and lesbians are not homosexual at a rate any higher than the usual average in society,” Dyer says.

She also believes that homosexuality is a factor of genetics, not a casual choice. Most importantly, she dismisses any notion that her mom poses a threat to society.

“I would tell anyone, define your family values and then come see me and compare yours with mine,” she says. “Show me how your values are different from mine.”

So how does all this play out? No doubt we’re far more progressive on this issue than even several decades ago. Many gays and lesbians live openly. The very fact that we’re discussing civil unions and homosexual marriages is a paradigm shift.

Dyer points to blockbuster shows such as Will & Grace to verify positive change. But there’s a catch.

“Let’s not be confused with understanding a person, maybe through a show on television, with accepting him or her as a person,” she says. “Often we handle hard situations like this through humor because it’s safer. But that’s on the general level. We now need to accept people on the specific level.”

Dyer worries that the hardest part might be coming, that the struggle for respect of her mom’s love for her partner will be a series of slow motion stumbles.

“Because we’re closer now, we’ll face nitpicking one state at a time,” Dyer says.

But she hopes to see equality in her lifetime, maybe real progress in the next 10 to 20 years.

“Open your mind,” Dyer asks of those who have fear or misunderstanding. With two college degrees, a home and the usual life growing up around her, she’s indistinguishable from other young professionals walking city streets or shopping in a mall. And the thing that’s different about her — her parents were lesbians — you and I shouldn’t even care about.

Whether your life experience was like Dyer’s or not, feel free to send her a comment at ekovi@yahoo.com. Even better, join her in what is a growing national movement in speaking out for respect of love and commitment, regardless of who feels it.

Shouldn’t we get to a point where we see the American culture strengthening through people, regardless of their sexual preference, providing a loving foundation for their kids — rather than thinking it would weaken?

It started simple. Let’s end it the same way. Dyer had two possibilities: a home life filled with dysfunction, divisiveness and bitterness all wrapped neatly in a Beaver Cleaver package or a life during her critical years with two adults who loved each other and the children under their roof.

Never mind what Taft or Bush say. Which would you chose for Erinne Kovi Dyer?

Oh, freedom!

This article appears in Mar 31 – Apr 6, 2004.