Every four years, the best athletes from all over the world take to the arena for the Summer Olympics. Competitors who have trained for years and sacrificed blood, sweat and tears for their chosen sport face off in the Games to take home the gold and bring glory to their countries.

While most of us will never have the skill and discipline these Olympic athletes do, there are still a lot of things we as Cincinnatians are good at, things we’ve been unconsciously training at our whole lives. So, CityBeat thought, if there were to be a Cincinnati Olympics — athleticism not required — what games and events would we excel at?

From chili eating and cornhole to spelling and cooking, here is CityBeat‘s official proposal to the International Olympic Committee on Cincinnati things we think should be Olympic sports.

Glier’s Goetta Tube If goetta is good enough for its own festival, it’s good enough for a Halloween costume. Bonus: you probably won’t have to worry about anybody else wearing the same getup! Photo: goettafest.com
Price Hill Chili’s chili “is the comfiest in the city. It’s filling, warm and tastes like home, whether or not your family routinely serves up 3-ways and coneys.” Photo: Hailey Bollinger
A spelling bee, but the only word is “Cincinnati” and the competitors are recent transplants There’s only one “T,” people. And it’s “Cincy,” not “Cinci,” no matter what anyone else says. “Cinti” will get you disqualified from all Olympic events. Photo: @bgrflckr
Hippo Selfie-Taking If Fiona or Fritz photobomb another proposal, automatic gold medal. Everyone else: Disqualified. Pack it up. Go home. You lose. Photo: facebook.com/Cincinnati Zoo & Botanical Garden
“‘What high school you went to doesn’t matter, they’re all the same.'” -i_miss_Maxis Photo: Google Maps
Every Cincinnatian is born with the knowledge of how to do the chicken dance. Photo: Provided by Oktoberfest
The Great Ohio River Swim will take place on Aug. 25. Photo: Provided by Adventure Crew
You have at least one friend who claims to have been in the abandoned subway tunnels. It’s the ghost of what could have been. Photo: Nick Swartsell Photo: Nick Swartsell
100-Second Dash Through Jungle Jim’s Grab a grocery cart and start piling in those hot sauce bottles, fancy cheeses and Japanese candies. Whoever collects snacks from the most countries in 100 seconds wins. Photo: Hailey Bollinger
Who Dey Chanting Who dey, who dey, who dey think gonna win this medal? EVERYBODY. Photo: Provided by Gold Star
Trying to drive on the hills in the snow No, it’s not the other drivers who are the problem — well, it probably is them too — but you also do not know how to drive in the snow, especially on Cincinnati’s hills. Major snow accumulation doesn’t happen here often enough for most of us to develop that kind of skill. But, if you must drive in the snow remember to stop at the bottom of the hill and wait for the person in front of you to make it to the top first or you’re gonna have a bad time. Photo: Hailey Bollinger
Opening Day Parades Look, if the Reds aren’t going to win a World Series anytime soon, we should at least win at something baseball-adjacent. After all, no one does Opening Day like Cincinnati. Photo: Paige Deglow
Pothole Dodging Motor sports have been featured in past Olympics, but never as a full medal event. We think upping the ante by bringing some pothole dodging into the mix might be the stakes that’ll seal the deal for the International Olympic Committee. If that happens, watch out, other countries: Cincinnati drivers have been practicing on our Swiss cheese roads for years for this moment. Photo: DDohler, Flickr Creative Commons
Inked Release Party at Rhinegeist Noon-8 p.m. Nov. 19 Though it’s a bit cliche to get a tattoo while you’re tipsy, that’s just life and Rhinegeist is the place to live it. The brewery is having a party to celebrate “the release of our indelible Imperial Stout, including special Ink variants available on draft and in bottles, and for the first time ever, Ink in 16-oz. tallboys,” according to the event’s website. While there, you can get pre-selected art tattooed on you by White Whale, Lonesome Town, Black Fern, Decorated Body, Higher Love, Designs by Dana and Got Ink, while Cryptogram Ink will be on-site with a pop-up, along with food from Empanada Box.Noon-8 p.m. Nov. 19. Rhinegeist Brewery, 1910 Elm St., Over-the-Rhine, rhinegeist.com/event/inked-2022. Photo: Hailey Bollinger
Best Ice Cream Winner: Graeter’s Ice Cream Runners-up: Aglamesis Bro’s, United Dairy Farmers Photo: Jesse Fox
Beer Brewing It’s a nod to our city’s brewing heritage and we get to drink beer. Win-win. Photo: Emily Palm
Pallet Stacking Securing heavy pallets to a compact car going 80 mph on I-75 is both a sport AND an artform perfected by Cincinnatians over the years. We’ll even build the winners’ podium out of pallets. Photo: W.carter/Wikimedia Commons
Driving Over the Brent Spence Bridge There’s no competition; just make it over in one piece and we’ll give you a medal. Photo: FormulaOne, Wikimedia Commons

Katherine Barrier is a graduate of the University of Cincinnati’s journalism program and has nearly 10 years of experience reporting local and national news as a digital journalist. At CityBeat, she...