This story is featured in CityBeat’s Feb. 7 print edition.
Julie Labanz is a licensed sex therapist in Cincinnati. Her practice, Be Known Sex and Relationship Therapy, has been in operation for five years. She spoke with CityBeat about why sex therapy is important, how to be sex positive and how to remove shame and guilt surrounding the topic of sex. Labanz offers insights on couple and solo sex and how to openly and effectively communicate with oneself and others to enhance pleasure and the sexual experience overall. Be Known specializes in a variety of topics and is open to patients of all couple styles, sexual orientations and gender identities. Sex and relationship therapy can be utilized by anyone, she tells CityBeat. While a problematic situation might arise that could benefit from professional guidance, individuals and couples may use it as a resource to simply explore and expand their sexuality. Labanz and the Be Known team offer in-person and virtual therapy sessions for people who are 18 and up.
CityBeat: What’s the purpose of sex therapy?
Julie Labanz: The purpose of sex therapy is to be able to explore any sort of messaging or judgment that might be holding you back from experiencing the type of sex that you want or feel like you deserve. It’s a great space to talk about curiosities, fantasies, desires, fears, without judgment, to then hopefully get you to a place where you can have really enriching and pleasure-filled sexual experiences. Trying to move us away from having just okay sex, to having great sex.
CB: What advice would you give someone who is looking to enhance their solo sex life?
JL: Notice what your current patterns are and change your mindset from thinking about, “Let me just rush to get to this orgasm; let me just rush to get to my release.” Instead, start thinking about it as having sex with yourself. It could feel really uncomfortable for people because the idea of sex with yourself can bring up some shame. The idea is, I want you to slow down and get curious. So maybe touch yourself in different ways than you normally would, don’t just start straight with your genitals, start touching other parts of your body and notice what feels good. You could practice edging, so building yourself up to orgasm, but not just letting yourself have it right away. And then build back up again. And then another thing that would be helpful is exploring masturbation in different positions. A lot of people get so used to it in the same position that they then translate that to sex and think, this is the only way that I can orgasm.
CB: Why is masturbation healthy?
JL: There are a lot of great benefits to masturbation. One is certainly if you know your body well, it’s easier to translate that and say, here’s what works for me. So a lot of people feel more confident giving feedback and being able to get the pleasure that they want. It’s also an excellent stress reducer. We get a lot of great endorphins. And so if we’re feeling stressed, that can be a great way to decompress, relax and things like that. And it can also help with pain sometimes, for people who have headaches or for vulva owners – people who experience period cramps – it can eliminate the pain. And it’s a great way to connect with ourselves. We’re not so used to thinking into our bodies, at least not in our culture, we’re very much in our heads all the time. And so this is a very good form of self-care, it’s a way for us to slow down and actually tune into what am I feeling in my body? What feels good in my body? And allowing yourself to connect with that a little bit more so that we’re not just running around in our head all day.
CB: What are some important qualities to embody when trying to communicate with your significant other about opening up sexually?
JL: First and foremost, curiosity over challenge. Being curious with your partner about understanding why something is interesting to you. What’s the value behind that for you? Rather than saying, what’s wrong with me that I’m not enough for you? That tends to shut down the conversation very quickly. And try really hard not to take it personally, which I think is difficult. But that’s where curiosity comes in. Take timeouts as needed. If you’re getting flooded in this conversation, it can be very overwhelming and very difficult. And maybe find a therapist to process it with because that can help you stay slowed down and help try to keep resentment and anger and things out of it. I think having a third party makes a difference for most people. Just to try to keep mononormativity out of it, right, like this idea that we’re in a very monogamous-centric culture. And so people are probably going to approach opening up with a monogamous sort of lens. And so having a therapist who’s well versed in opening up to kind of help people find the balance.
CB: How often do you find that a lack of sex education is the issue between people or themselves?
JL: Probably a ton. We are not taught how to explore our bodies. We are not really taught the mechanics of sex outside of maybe missionary. A lot of times we get that stuff from porn and porn is cinema, it’s a production. And so that’s not helpful. As we get older, if we can differentiate that, we can start to learn and it can be helpful. But education is so much of the picture, even education in negotiating boundaries or having conversations with your partner about what might we want, what might we not want. I don’t think people are taught to communicate effective boundaries, to then be able to have good sex that they want. So I think education is a huge problem for a ton of it, whether it’s about sex education, like the mechanics, or if it’s just about relationship dynamics, negotiation, communication skills.
CB: Talk about approaching an orgasm. If somebody is having trouble reaching a climax, what are some ways that you help guide them?
JL: First of all, identify if it is a physical problem or a headspace problem. I might recommend that they go see either their primary care if it’s a penis owner, or if it’s a vulva owner, go to your gynecologist. Just to rule out an issue with medication, or you might be experiencing cardiovascular issues that are blocking it. Diet makes a big difference. If it’s more of a mental thing, then identify the anxious thoughts. You’re probably overthinking, “I have to have an orgasm,” and that’s blocking you from just relaxing and enjoying. You can try to fantasize, which I think can be kind of taboo. But get out of your head and think about things that are sexy to you. It could be about your partner or it might not be about your partner — it doesn’t diminish your connection. It’s just a way to stay in more of a heightened arousal state. The alternative is really tuning into your body’s cues and responses. So you might have a mantra that you tell yourself: “I deserve pleasure, orgasm doesn’t have to be the outcome.” When we stop making it the guaranteed outcome that we need, it becomes easier to access. And so noticing, if I hold my breath, is it easier for me to orgasm? Or maybe I need to relax my muscles a little bit. And this is where masturbation can come in. Is your partner doing what typically works for you when you masturbate? And if not, we might need to communicate, educate them. And lastly, you could bring in a sex toy, they can give stimulation that we might not get otherwise. So those are a few different paths we might take depending on the origin [of the problem].
CB: Talk about the “g-spot” inside a vagina. How many are there? How does one find it?
JL: The answer we seem to find most often is that there’s probably one and it just might be in slightly different places inside a vagina. The idea is that if you put two fingers into a vagina, so that the pads of the fingers are touching the top, underneath the mons pubis. If you go two knuckles deep and do a “come here” motion with the two fingers, that should be hitting the g-spot. I think the trouble that most vulva owners find is that when the g-spot is stimulated, they feel like they have to pee. But if they can get comfortable with letting that feeling pass, just acknowledging it’s just a feeling, you’re not going to pee, you might squirt. But that’s okay. Once we can get past that they can tend to get more comfortable with the g-spot. But again, for one person might be two knuckles deep for another it might be three. For someone else it could be closer to one side. And I think that’s why we get so many different suggestions on things like that, too.
Learn more about Julie Labanz and Be Known Sex and Relationship Therapy by visiting beknowntherapy.com.
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This article appears in Jan 24 – Feb 6, 2024.
