I’m a 47-year-old man who’s been a liberal most of his adult life. I’m also a nonconformist who, for the past three years, has been a single parent to my 17-year-old son. Things just haven’t been working out for me lately as far as knowing how to handle the rebellious streak in him, so I’ve made a life-changing decision.
On June 16, I will become a conservative father.
Now I don’t really know a lot about this way of life, but I’m figuring it has to be easier than what I’m going through now. I equate being a conservative with seeing things in black and white, and I think I’m going to like that. In discussions and/or fights with my son, the gray stuff is getting way too confusing. I’m going to enjoy knowing all the answers.
First off, my son’s pierced eyebrow will have to go. It looks silly for him to have that barbell thing up over his right eye, and what if it falls out one night when he’s asleep?
He could lose an eye!
I’ll take it out with a pair of pliers tomorrow.
I don’t know if my son is sexually active, so I’ll ask him on Father’s Day. If he is, he will need to stop — no question about it. There have also been times when I think he’s having “too much fun” in the bathroom, and that stops immediately. In fact, on June 16, I’ll take the bathroom door off its hinges — there will be no more secrets in our house.
In addition, the next time his girlfriend comes over, they will NOT be going into his bedroom to watch television. They can stay in the living room with me and watch Seinfeld reruns just like everybody else.
That dyed hair — it’s blue this week — is going back to its natural color. Those anti-establishment T-shirts he wears are going to be replaced with ones from the Cincinnati Zoo. There will be no more hanging out on Short Vine or Over-the-Rhine — he can get all the diversity he needs over at Glenway Crossing. CityBeat will no longer be allowed in our home — all good conservative people in the Queen City get their news from The Cincinnati Enquirer.
So on Father’s Day, my life will become a lot easier. There will be no discussions, no compromises, no finding the answers somewhere in the middle. I will always be right, and that parenting “line” will never have to be moved.
OK, I admit there are some things I’m going to miss. I’ll miss the honest, heart-to-heart talks we have after one of our blowups. I’ll miss him coming to me when he’s fucked something up and knowing that I’m on his side even if I’m totally pissed off. I’ll also miss his friends thinking I’m actually kind of “alright,” considering I’m such an old fart. So be it. My transformation begins June 16.
Just for old time’s sake, tonight when I know he’s asleep, I’ll sneak into this room, sit on the corner of his bed and just look at him a while. I’ll think about the past three years we’ve had together and, no doubt, tears will come to my eyes.
Everything has to change. I just hope it’s acceptable for a conservative father to cry some times. ©
This article appears in Jun 12-18, 2002.
