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We’re here to helpLonely people hate Valentine’s Day. I know because I’ve heard it said on some awful television show like Sex and the City or something. But why should the loveless be denied a greeting-card holiday? If you’ve been dumped, lost your lover in a fiery car crash, etc., you should own Valentine’s Day.
Hey, atheists get to reap the benefits of Christmas in the guise of a day off, gifts, horny, drunken co-workers at the office holiday party, so why should you have to pretend Feb. 14 is “just another day?”
Pull out that extra-large bottle of Jack Daniel’s, start running that hot bath for a good ol’ fashioned soak-and-sulk, dump these songs into your iPod — along with the entire Smiths’ discography — and put it on “shuffle.”
For one day, you can be Sgt. Pepper.
Pretend these tunes are coming from your own private Lonely Hearts Club Band. We’ve presented an assortment of songs to fit a variety of forms of broken-heartitis. If you don’t kill yourself by the end of it all, maybe by Sweetest Day you’ll be rolling in real love.
Or you can just get over it, already.
You sad-sack putz.
· Guns ‘N’ Roses “I Used to Love Her But I Had To Kill Her”
Who hasn’t had to resort to murder to get out of a bad relationship? (If you have, call Crimestoppers at 513-352-3040.) When this song first came out in 1990, it seemed like a frivolous goof. But Axl Rose’s questionable behavior and domestic abuse problems since puts a different perspective on it.
Choice lyric: “I had to put her/Six feet under/And I can still hear her complain”
Who it’s for: Those in the “blind-rage” stage of their relationship; old Hair Metal disciples who think Axl was sending them “secret messages”; O.J. Simpson.
· Lauryn Hill “Ex-Factor”
Sappy for sure, but Hill’s journal-entry-like take on going with your head and not your heart speaks the language of heartbreak succinctly. That it could be based on a true story makes it speak even louder.
Choice lyric: “As painful as this thing has been/I just can’t be with no one else/See I know what we got to do/You let go and I’ll let go too.”
Who it’s for: Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt and other couples who break up but insist they remain “good friends.”
· Sebadoh “Soul and Fire”
Next to Morrissey and those whiny Emo bands, Lou Barlow is the prince of bad-relationship songs. But this lead-off track to Sebadoh’s best album, Bubble and Scrape, is Barlow at his most effective, relaying the utter hopelessness of a love that just doesn’t click. The sighing resignation is palpable.
Choice lyric: “As you walk away, think of all the joy we shared/If you decide you need me, I’ll be wondering if I care”
Who it’s for: Moping ’90s Indie rockers; Emo kids’ big brothers; all of Lou Barlow’s girlfriends.
· Dinosaur Jr. “Don’t”
It’s Lou Barlow again, in a rare vocal turn with his former band. But the tactics are very different from his Sebadoh style. Over J. Mascis’ sludge-guitar drone, Barlow repeatedly screams, “Why don’t you like me!” Given Barlow and Mascis’ contentious inter-band rapport, Barlow could well have been singing to the frontman.
Choice lyric: “Why don’t you like me!” (the only words in the song)
Who it’s for: Primal scream patients; stalkers.
· Billie Holiday “Good Morning Heartache”
Billie Holiday’s sublimely soulful voice could make a reading of the McDonald’s value menu sound somber and gloomy. This song invites loneliness to pull up a chair and stay awhile. Resignation at its purest, this cut is a part of the Verve Records compilation, When Love Goes Wrong, a must-have for the dejected and rejected, featuring Jazz standards in the same mold.
Choice lyric: “Good morning heartache/Thought we said goodbye last night/I turned and tossed until it seems you have gone/But here you are with the dawn”
Who it’s for: Sylvia Plath wannabes in the phase before suicide.
· Liz Phair “Divorce Song”
Even with quick Britney Spears-styled marriages, the dissolution/annulment/divorce process can be rough on the psyche. Phair hit her peak with her debut album, Exile in Guyville, and this track represents her wicked ability to sing with an unfiltered honesty about the ups and downs of love and sex. See also Sinead O’Connor’s stomach-butterfly-worthy divorce song, “Last Day of Our Acquaintance.”
Choice lyric: “It’s harder to be friends than lovers/And you shouldn’t try to mix the two/Cause if you do it and you’re still unhappy/Then you know that the problem is you”
Who it’s for: Divorcees who are honest with themselves; not Phair’s current target market of 15-year-old girls.
· Johnny Cash “Tear Stained Letter”
While New Country lyrics are stuck in a crass “U.S.A.! U.S.A.!” rut, Classic Country music was the Emo of its time. You could make a 100-disc box set of great C&W tearjerkers. Cash’s high/lonesome spin on “Tear Stained Letter” is a thrill-is-gone masterpiece. The woman is suicidal; the man is just horny. Typical!
Choice lyric: “I’m gonna write a tear stained letter/Put it special delivery/’Cause it’s gonna be full of stuff/That’s only known to you and me/’Bout how every time I get turned on/You turn me off and bring me down”
Who it’s for: Horny husbands and wives longing for the return of the “honeymoon” period and the disappearance of the “crying in the dark” one.
· Weezer “Pink Triangle”
On this track from Weezer’s Pinkerton album, Rivers Cuomo sings of falling in love with someone who “plays for the other team.” It could’ve turned into goofy novelty, but Cuomo’s “whoops!” are funny but not stupid.
Choice lyric: “I’m dumb, she’s a lesbian”
Who it’s for: Anne Heche’s pre-Ellen boyfriends.
This article appears in Feb 9-15, 2005.