When writing a story on bizarre Ohio festivals, one need no more than utter these four words: The Tiro Testicle Festival.
Held annually at the Tiro Tavern in Tiro — in the middle of nowhere between Columbus and Cleveland— the fest’s motto is “You’ll have a ball,” and who wouldn’t? Pig and bull testicles are breaded and deep-fried to within a short hair of perfection.
But if you thought the Test Fest or perhaps the Sauerkraut Festival in Waynesville or even the Buzzards’ Glory Festival in New Vienna were the weirdest summer festivals in the Buckeye state, please consider:
Bowersville Grasshopper Train Festival (June 10-11). This tiny village near Xenia, pop. 260, specializes in living in the past. You see, they don’t have a train. Haven’t had, not for at least three-quarters of a century. No grasshoppers, either, for that matter. Organizer Tom Ayres ticks off what they do have: A parade gets the melee going, and square dancing on the street carries the festivities into the wee hours.
Lock up the women and children, and call out the public safety officer — ah, well, that would be Ayres, the chief of the Jefferson Township Volunteer Fire Department, sponsor of the event. Ayres notes the Grasshopper fest also features a garden tractor pull, a miniature version of the monster truck pull that’s the best thing since the cow chip contest. 937-453-2518.
Dean Martin Festival (June 16-17). Steubenville pays a reverential tribute to all things possibly connected to its native son, with a film festival, Dino impersonations, Catholic masses and, oh yes, lots and lots of booze. That’s amore! “He was born right here, on June 7, 1917, and until he died in 1993 he came back for this festival and to see his family and friends,” notes festival organizer Rose Angelica tearfully. 740-535-1830.
Eldorado Zucchini Festival (July 21-23). They’ve been gathering in Eldorado, 35 miles from Dayton, for almost a decade to celebrate the zucchini in all its glory. Sample the zorn dogs, zice cream and zotton candy. Zzeccch. 937-273-3831.
Grindstone Festival (July 1-4). Up near Cleveland, Berea salutes the grindstone with a parade, festivities and the all-important naming of Miss Grindstone 2000. Keep your eyes open, your hands on your wallet and your nose to the you-know-what. 440-748-8080.
Lilly Pad Festival (May 28). You just missed this one, but fear not, they hold it every year at the end of May in Thornport near Columbus. The frog-jumping contest is renowned among amphib-fans everywhere. 740-246-6658.
Llama Country Rally (June 3). Every summer, the good folks in Galion (between Cleveland and Columbus) gather to prove all the uses of the common American llama: in recreational therapy, for cart driving, as pets, for wool gathering, and more. Llet’s go! 419-946-4549.
Maria Stein Country Fest (June 23-25). This unusual festival found in, where else, Maria Stein, near Columbus, features an aberrant blend: the highwire antics of the Flying Wallendas tossed in with some chain-saw woodcarving, herding and a tractor square dance (don’t ask). 419-925-4151.
Primitive Weapons Fest (June 3). Scary as it might seem, there are people who are experts in the delivery of the “atlatl” as well as darts, tomahawks, boomerangs, slings and other prehistoric weapons. They’ll happily teach you at this Brownsville happening. Tickets are $5 per car, no scalping allowed. 800-600-7174.
Southern Gospel/Amish Festival (June 30-July 3). What demented promoter concocted this idea? A dozen Southern Gospel groups come to Shrocks’ Amish Farm in Berlin (outside of Wooster and Massillon) for a music and cultural festival that blends the best of the Amish and Southern cultures. Try the free-range grits. $12.50 per day. 330-852-3230.
Tiro Testicle Festival (to be scheduled in 2001). Sorry, this year’s event was already held last month. “We had 500 to 1,000 people turn out this year,” notes one worker at the Tiro Tavern, event sponsor, so you’ll want to put this on your planning calendar for next year. You’ll also be thrilled to hear that the ever-popular Tiro Testicle Festival T-shirts are available year-round from the tavern’s proprietor, Al “How They Hanging?” Cramer. 419-347-6922.
Twins Day 2000 (Aug. 4-6). The world’s largest annual gathering of multiples will leave you seeing double. It’s held in Twinsburg, near Cleveland (we don’t even have to tell you what the folks in Winesburg do for fun). Twins Day 2000 boasts lots of food, festivities and DNA testing (no kidding). The event is listed in Guinness Book of World Records for having 18,000 sets of twins attend in a single event. 330-425-7280 or www.twinsday.org.
Whistle Pull Festival (July 1-4). Hundreds gather in Cleveland each year to pull antique nautical whistles. Hundreds need to get a life. $5. 216-574-6262.
Wilmington Banana Split Festival (June 9-10). Some festivals are preposterous if only in their claims. Take Wilmington’s fest, which celebrates what organizers call the birthplace of the Banana Split — Wilmington, Ohio. Yeah, um, right. It’s Hazard’s Restaurant that lays claim to creating the famous ice cream dish in 1907. “The story is there was a dreadful winter storm that came through and trapped everybody in Wilmington,” recalls festival organizer Sherri Krazl. “The owner, Ernest Hazard, was looking for a way to draw everybody to his drug store, so he came up with (the dish). He didn’t care for the name banana split at first, but it stuck.” Buy this, and we’ve got a Brooklyn Bridge Festival to sell ya. 937-382-1965
Wood Stove Festival (Aug. 26-27). Chain-saw carving is just one of the many fascinating aspects at this wood stove festival in Urbana, south of Columbus. See this world map? See that remote island in the Pacific? That’s where the people who care live. 937-484-3456.
Zane Grey Film Festival (Aug. 26). Last, but not least, head to the Zane Grey Museum in Norwich (near Zanesville) at the end of August. You see, the prolific Western author was also a movie producer — he made a number of his works into feature length motion pictures and short subjects in the early days of Hollywood. All those trashy paperbacks, and now there’s a film festival to consider as well. Where’s Steve Ramos when you need him? No charge, but donations accepted. 740-872-3143. ©
This article appears in May 31 – Jun 6, 2000.