We get it. You hate the streetcar. Whether your motivation is overt fiscal conservatism, a general failure to understand mass transit, a disinterest in subsidizing economic development or just run of the mill racism, it’s OK — your voice was not among the majority, but you are still part of this post-streetcar society.
You are important, even though you’re going to continue calling it a trolley until you shuffle off this mortal coil. Although streetcars are set to start shuttling passengers around a bunch of crowded, cool new places next week, you have every right to go to your grave mumbling things about Obama stealing your 401K and promising to only visit OTR if you have a gun.
From your deathbed sounds a heinous yell: “GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD AND DAMN YOU CINCINNATI BELL!”
Still, while you’re here you’re likely to come across a streetcar at some point. Here are five ways you can be amongst the Cincinnati streetcar without fully embracing it.
1. Drive your car downtown, park in a huge parking lot, don’t get on the streetcar. Hey, parking at The Banks is very convenient — big garage, access to restaurants, Reds games, etc. While you’re waiting outside Moerlein Lager House or a giant chain restaurant emanating offensive Pop music outside the front doors, just glance at a passing streetcar and enjoy your superiority. You’re about to spend 50 bucks on dinner. Fuck the streetcar.
2. To hell with downtown — go to your rich people neighborhood farmers market. Findlay Market is one of Cincinnati’s civic gems, but you haven’t been there since 1976, before “those people” ruined Over-the-Rhine. Don’t bother visiting the historic market even though the streetcar will drop you off right in front of a biergarten and dozens of awesome food vendors. There’s a farmers market in Anderson — why should I pay for the streetcar?!?
3. Revel in the fact that the streetcar doesn’t go to Clifton. After you park at The Banks because you haven’t been to Fountain Square since the Reds won the World Series, consider riding the streetcar just this once. In your mind, you already paid your fair share of TAX MONEY, but on this day you’ll have to shell out another buck to get to the route’s northernmost stop, Rhinegeist Brewery. Go inside and you can enjoy all the favorite amenities of a West Side family reunion — beer, cornhole, polo shirts and loud music. Stand outside the brewery’s doors and you can look up the hill where the streetcar would have run if a bad person named Gov. John Kasich didn’t burn the federal funding up like he was trying to impress Rand Paul with a Zippo and a $20 bill. (Burn a hundred you pussy!) Across the street from the brewery you will also find one of the final opportunities to snicker at rundown OTR buildings before they’re renovated into $500,000 condos and sold to your kids.
4. Wear salmon shorts to OTR as a sign of defiance. You’re a streetcar hater — it’s OK to admit that you have a lot of golf clothes. You will be happy to know that there is already a group of activists protesting other things in OTR (good taste, mostly) who wear pastel-colored garments to symbolize the pureness of individualized forms of transportation and Easter eggs. The most dramatic sign one can send to all the goddam hipsters wearing pony tails and $200 rolled-up pants is to wear salmon-colored shorts and saunter about like you own the place. The best area to do so is Vine Street — pull the SUV up to a valet stand and then post up there after dinner so everyone sees how you sprayed your tires with some shit that makes them look blacker. Maybe Brandon Phillips will show up and look at you like you’re an idiot.
5. Park your car in front of a streetcar. Just kidding. DO NOT PARK YOUR CAR IN FRONT OF A STREETCAR. One driver already made an illegal turn in front of a streetcar. Know what happened to this guy? His car was smashed into a light pole and almost damaged one of CityBeat’s newspaper boxes. He’s lucky we can’t figure out which dent his negligence caused, but we’re pretty sure he’s the one who put a “LOCK HER UP” sticker on the box because only an idiot would do either of those things. (Seriously, don’t park on the streetcar tracks.) ©
This article appears in Aug 31 – Sep 7, 2016.
